A Bloody Smile In The Dark

The waves crash in, the tide rolls out. I stand before my weakness now

I am miserable. I don't feel unhappiness, just lack of life coming in and out of me. Layers upon layers of resignation and nothingness. Although I chose long ago to stay behind this invisible shell made of unknown human love and tenderness i never had, I don't want to be just a nothing made out of the very nothing inside of me; a sick blank withdrawal into the deepest of misery forever. It doesn't have a name. I just want something that isn't the emptiness I've carried around all my life.

It plunges you into an entirely different world. It's almost as if you're caged like a prisoner behind a sheet of sharp glass. You can see other people thriving, living, laughing. You can hear the world functioning and gleaming with life. But you're detached. You're trapped in this labyrinth that exists only in your mind. You don't feel like a person. You wonder if you have emotions at all because what you're feeling is so foreign and terrifying. You hate it with all your broken bones and it consumes you awfully because there's nothing worse than trying to pick yourself up or what's left of it and, like someone said, not knowing who you are without your sadness. There's no way out. It's hopeless.

I read a metaphor once that hit the right spot: " I am pieces of quotes from my favorite books stitched together by song lyrics"; that's me in a nutshell. I hang on conversations after dark and bittersweet midnight munchies, have this tendency to fall apart suddenly, without a warning whatsoever. I need someone to somehow be okay with this because I only survive out of what remains of the brave souls who have dared to gather my tattered pieces and put me back together before giving me up once and for all. And oh God how I would love to be whole again.

Right now I don't feel much like living, but I don't want to be dead either. This depression saga is like a washing machine in a sense: clothes go in, they're shaken round and round, up and down, stop once or twice, spin again fast and it's over. Until you have to do laundry again, that is.

I'm always on the edge of being but never really am.

I tried to get help. It's safe to assume it didn't work. Not the psychologists, psychiatrists, pills, drops, therapy groups. Nothing ever struck me or awoke me from my snooze. It was all a bunch of self proclaimed heroes writing down a sentence or two about my story, claiming to know me based on the few lies i told, and sweetening my tea with beautiful condescending quips on my poetic loneliness. After eight years of that crap, i finally decided i was happy with being sad forever. All my friends dropped like flies and my family slowly stepped further away from me too.

Believe it or not, i don't mind.

The only thing i'm missing terribly at the moment is my dog. It didn't feel right leaving her alone with my parents but i couldn't do otherwise. I hope they won't let their anger out on her.

I am not alone; not beaten down just yet. I am not afraid of the voices in my head

Misery loves my company. And that of many others judging by the number of songs quoting it.

After so much wandering i finally got lost. And no, i'm not babbling about some other metaphor. I literally got lost in Miami. Eh. Where are the street signs when you need them? This is not like the picture perfect scenes i saw on tv. It's funny. Somehow this is awesomely amusing. I'm standing in front of an empty skateboard pit with the ocean right ahead. The city's only starting to wake up, it shows. The few people strolling around look peaceful and carefree; it's a joy. I wonder if they have any idea of what went down last night, Hell, maybe i'm not even in that area anymore. Screw them, I have no idea of what i am doing. Not now, not in general. I think i'll take a peak at the waves for now.

This is exactly one of those moments you wish never had to end. I'm alone sitting on a beach sewed straight out of heaven. The sky's cloudy promising rain but the sand is quite warm and soft nonetheless. A calm wind kisses my face ever so gently; I'm relaxed like never before. A bomb could drop next to me and i wouldn't bother to move. Yeah if i died now i'd go with a smile on my face. Death is the end of the road only if you assume you're the protagonist and sole character of the story. Life goes on all around you. We're but leaves on trees. As our cycle closes there's no force in the universe that could keep us on that branch. Some fall sooner, others take longer, but overall we all play our part to maintain the cosmic balance we got the chance to play with for some time. Taking a look at the big picture, we don't really matter. We are made of matter; the one necessary to allow earth to survive. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, we go back to ashes; that's why it's terribly stupid for man to believe he's leaving an impactful mark during his stay. He's not. It's all a big scam. Once again, self illusion is endlessly funny. It creates monsters.

With a rare single tear rolling down my cheek, i can freely and gladly say i won't be going back home Wednesday.

I want you to know that, honestly, I'm fine now. Not because time has passed or I'm moving on with my life. Not even because I've finally found out who I'm supposed to be by picking up the pieces you shattered. I'm ok now because I've accepted that it won't ever be easy or magically get better. It's okay really. I accept that there will always be a hollow space inside of me growing bigger and deeper where life used to be. Because i know there used to be something, however imperceptible. I'm accepting it. All of it. No matter how much I convince myself that I forgive you and in time i may forget you as well, I won't, not entirely. Because you will always be a part of me like i'll always be a part of you. You fought so hard to achieve something you thought you wanted so bad, but in reality only served as a means to show your little world you were normal and could do it too. You didn't want this and trust me, i wanted it even less. A whole lot less. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm finally fine with that. And you should be too. No tears; no regrets. It's alright.

I press send and close my eyes. I didn't lie this time. It's alright. I'm alright.

Who will fix me now? Dive in when i'm down. Save me from myself, don't let me drown

Whether it's magnetic pull or magic, i can't move my feet. I don't want to leave, partly because i have no idea what street possibly take as the water calls me. It's cold and the greatest reminder i'm still alive for now. I notice some dirty glares my way, making me realize i'm still covered in blood and what not and my hair's a knotty mess. I must've been zooming around town like a freaking zombie.

Asking someone for directions would be the easy way to go, but do i approach them like this? It'd be tough enough in normal conditions so go figure now that i look like a freshly out of asylum murderer.

How big could Miami be? I have hours on my side, i can do it.

If i'm not mistaken, the viewing pleasure jogging by the shore is mr. puppy eyes, which means i've wasted serious time spacing out if he managed to go home, rest and head back out already. All i know is i would still be in bed if i were him, but hey we let stuff out differently so kudos to him.

I decided to avoid the main street not to cross too many people and am now in the middle of a desolated road between a small grove and a humongous white villa. The sign says "A Lost Opportunity - community center". I like the name. Too bad it doesn't specify what they do all hidden this side of town.

Whoa. Now THAT was a shriek worthy of the best horror flicks. Maybe they slaughter virgins in there.

"I don't wanna die here!"

"You will if you don't calm down!"

"Get back in! Seriously!"

Neat. A young girl is trying to escape and three women are chasing her. To my surprise the fourth lady stepping out is a face i remember very well. It's good to see her again.

So beautiful and so annoyed. She's locked eyes with me and, for a second, i felt my soul being dragged out of my body, like some strange force wanted me to go to her. Anyways, the tormented girl's been taken back inside, and with nothing left to see i could reluctantly walk on with her piercing eyes tattooed in the back of my skull.

"Lady? Ms? Excuse me? Are you okay? Do you need help?"

Don't ask me how, but i apparently made it back to the hotel and the poor receptionist looks like she's just seen a ghost. She's leaning towards me tilting her head left and right the way dogs do when you promise them treats. Her chest is talking to me, i swear. Those speakers could reach the deaf.

"Um hey. Good morning. May i have the keys to my room please? It's Reddi"

"Oh yes, sure! Will you be fine?" - I bet she's praying it's ketchup on my sweater.

"I...will. Thank you"