I've Loved You Before

Chapter 4 - Somewhere Only We Know

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I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

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Marlena glanced over at Roman warily as he knocked on John's loft door. She knew he was unhappy to be there. They'd argued about it before they left the house, and he'd been silent on the drive over. When John had canceled their plans for the art benefit, she'd seen the relief in Roman's eyes. He'd been relieved, while Marlena had felt sadness so profound she was almost ill. She was driven to help John, and she couldn't, specifically say why. Roman wanted John as far away from them personally as possible. He had been less than pleased when Marlena insisted they go to the loft, and encourage John to reconsider a night out. She took a deep breath. She couldn't back away from this. John had been cooped up in the loft for nearly a week, and she had left him alone, honoring his request for space. His phone call had changed everything. She refused to allow him to continue isolating himself. It wasn't healthy.

Roman wasn't sure what to do. If he pushed her to leave John alone she became angry and defensive, but if he allowed it to continue he would always find himself at John's doorstep looking like a fool while his wife pandered to her ex-husband. John was a grown man. His wife had died. He was mourning, but Marlena needed to leave him alone and allow him to grieve. He tried to convince himself it was because that's what John wanted, but it was a lie. It was because that's what Roman wanted. He wanted John somewhere else entirely, because every time he saw the man's face he was reminded of what Stefano had done to him, what his family had done to him, and what his wife had done to him.

John stared at the television screen with Isabella's smiling face frozen in place. Laying the remote control down on the couch beside him, he glanced behind him at the door. Even without opening it, he had a strong feeling about who was on the other side. He wiped at his tears, surprising himself with the fact that he'd been crying. He thought he had been emotionally wrung out. He stood up, wiping his palms on his jeans, and he stared blankly at the television again, lost in his own grief. Another knock sounded on the door, and as he approached it he heard Roman say in frustration, "Doc, maybe the guy just wants to be alone."

Marlena tried be quiet as she replied, "Roman, we've been over this, I just want to–"

John took a deep breath as he rested his hand on the handle. Letting it out slowly, he schooled his features, prepared to try, and lie to Marlena. He wasn't worried about Roman. Roman could eat rocks. Roman would believe anything John told him, and turn on his heel to leave, because ultimately that's what he'd want to do. John could give him that reason, but then Marlena would study him. She would watch him, and she would know immediately that he was lying. Pulling the door open, he eyes landed on them. Roman in his tuxedo, with his curls a wild mass on his head, and Marlena looking like a fucking angel dressed in white. He wanted nothing more than to reach for her, and sob his grief into her, but instead he clenched his fist at his side. As much as he needed his best friend right then, he refused to show his vulnerability to Roman Brady. Trying to sound casual, he said, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be at the benefit?"

Roman started to apologize, but Marlena started speaking, cutting him off. She wasn't going to allow John to hole himself up in the loft any longer. He would sink deeper and deeper into a depression. Facing his wife's death was the only way he could move forward. He needed to face it to be a father to Brady. With a breezy smile, she told him, "Well, we thought we'd come by, and see if we could talk to you–" She stopped short, glancing over John's shoulder towards the television set. Isabella's beautiful smiling face was frozen in place. She didn't look sick. She didn't look sad. Marlena glanced over at John, noting the red tinge around his eyes, and the slightly swollen lids. He'd been crying, and her heart broke just a little more.