I've Loved You Before

Chapter 16 - Gravity

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Something always brings me back to you

It never takes to long

No matter what I say or do

I'll still feel you here till the moment I'm gone

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Roman sat next to Marlena's hospital bed and stared down at her as she slept. According to Mike she could have died. She was bleeding internally, and only John's quick action saved her. He stared at her hand lying limply at her side. He hadn't yet touched her. He couldn't bring himself to do it. He hadn't physically touched her in weeks. Guilt controlled his every action. He looked down at his own hands, thinking about how only a few hours earlier they had been all over Taylor's naked body. They'd been buried in her. He closed his eyes as he remembered the feel of them slipping through her slick folds. He choked on his own breath as his chest squeezed like a vice. Standing up, he pushed the stool back roughly, and stumbled towards the sink. He started scrubbing his hands, and he stared at them almost as if they belonged to someone else. His mind was assaulted by visions of sliding his hands over her breasts, and remembering the way he'd held onto the soft flesh of her hips - Roman gagged. Taylor would have marks on her body for the next week. He rushed into the bathroom, hanging his head over the toilet, and vomited up the contents of his stomach. His breath came raggedly, and when he finally glanced up, he didn't recognize the man staring back at him. He stared at himself with self-loathing. He had fucked up his life, and his marriage, and he wasn't sure if there was any way to salvage what was left.

After rinsing his mouth out with water, he gave himself one last once over before he walked out of the bathroom. He didn't deserve Marlena. Not after what he'd done with Taylor. He had spent the last few weeks saying it was nothing more than flirtation, but once he'd had sex with someone other than his wife, there was no taking that back. He exited the bathroom, and stood in the middle of the room, watching Marlena's prone body on the bed. What he'd done to her, the way he'd been treating her - he knew he had to change, but he was so angry.

For seven years Stefano had attacked him. Physically with torture, sleep deprivation, and periodic starvation; however, the assault on his mind nearly destroyed him. It was the videos of his wife in bed with another man. It was her wedding... her wedding night. It was the photos of his children growing older with someone else playing daddy. His gut clenched. It was his family accepting John into the fold and calling him Roman. He had so much anger inside himself that he felt it constantly vibrating. He couldn't escape it, and he'd tried. He'd tried to connect with Marlena, and the children. He'd tried to forgive his family, but he struggled to look at them and understand how they could have so easily believed that John was him. How could he get past it when Sami and Eric still called John, papa? How could he get past it when his family still treated John like part of the family? He glanced at Marlena, and mumbled, "When my wife still considers John one of her closest friends?"

Marlena had suggested therapy so many times he'd lost count, and he'd refused so many times she'd stopped asking. The subject had been dropped, but that didn't make him feel any better. In fact, recently, it felt like she'd given up on them altogether. The distance between them was wider than the Grand Canyon, and he wasn't sure where to start, or how to even begin to breach it. And now, he'd done more to hurt them than her emotional distance had ever done.

She laid immobile in her bed. She wasn't sure why she was feigning sleep. Recently her interactions with Roman had grown so exhaustive and overwhelming, she avoided him entirely. She was avoiding him then. The constant arguing, the tension, and the animosity were all too much, and yet she couldn't bring herself to leave him. She wasn't sure if it was because she loved him, or if she pitied him. Whatever reason it was, she stayed married to him, when she was the lowest she'd ever been. After seven years with Stefano, Roman would never be the man he was. Although, in truth, much of Roman's personality was intact. His anger was destroying them. It was in his snide comments about John, or the way he narrowed his eyes when the twins called John, papa. It was in the way he would excuse himself from the room if a family member remembered a funny story or a memory of John when he was Roman. How could they ever get past Roman's anger, if Roman refused to even acknowledge it? He wouldn't face it, and Marlena would almost welcome it if he would just explode and blame her for everything. That would be more honest than how they were currently living.