I've Loved You Before

Chapter 17 - Can You Die of a Broken Heart

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The flowers in my hallway died two weeks ago

And just like you, I didn't have the heart to see them go

I know it sounds pathetic, I guess it kind of is

Emotions burn in different lights, and now it's just what it is

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John entered his silent house just after two o'clock in the morning. He shouldn't have kissed Marlena, although it wasn't more than a perfunctory goodbye kiss, even if he did linger a few seconds too long. But he knew he'd felt more in the moment than simply saying goodbye. He hadn't even realized that he'd needed the reassurance she was offering him, until she offered it. I don't regret my life with you. He could still hear her soft voice. He would never regret his life with her. He rubbed his palms over his face, and walked towards the cabinet over the sink. He pulled out the whiskey bottle, and grabbed a glass from where he kept them. Pouring himself the equivalent of at least four shots, he stared at the glass.

Walking out onto his back porch, he glanced out over the large expanse of lawn. It opened up into a wide open field. There were other houses further away, but John had always loved the privacy of this property. He set his glass down on the table and walked towards the fireplace, throwing in a log, and then crouched down to get the fire started. He wouldn't be able to sleep for a while, and thankfully he'd canceled any meetings he had for the rest of the week.

He sank into the sofa, and stared into the flickering flames as they grew. Isabella would have loved this house. They could have raised Brady there, and fixed it up together. He sighed, leaning back and swirling his drink, watching the amber liquid slosh around. "Fuck, Izzy-B," he said softly, staring up at the night sky. "I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what to do... or give me some direction. I feel so lost without you here."

He took a sip of the whiskey, appreciating the warmth and the burn as it went down. "I kissed Doc tonight. I shouldn't have, but she looked so lost, you know. There's a sadness in her eyes that seems to grow every time I see her. Maybe it was comfort... maybe, I've been wanting to do it since Mexico. Fuck... I don't know."

Another sip, and he closed his eyes. The flames in the hearth had started heating the space around him, and he felt himself start to relax. He thought about his recent attraction to Hailey, and his reemerging attraction to Marlena. It was just because he was lonely. That was all. He couldn't allow himself to believe it was anything else. "If you were here... things wouldn't be so complicated," he said, but then he felt immediately guilty. He didn't want to admit that having Isabella in his life had been a buffer for the feelings he would always harbor for Marlena. He'd loved Isabella, she meant more to him than that. Smiling to himself, he could almost hear his wife beside him laughing. "Okay, you're right. My life has always been complicated. Who am I kidding?"

Warmth flowed through his veins, and he tipped his glass back, taking in the rest of the whiskey. He wanted more, but he refused to get up and get it. Besides, he didn't want to be drunk. The amount he'd had was enough to loosen his muscles, and his thoughts. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see Hailey standing in front of him. He smiled, reaching for her as if she were part of a dream, "C'mere."

Her heart was racing as she placed her small hand inside his larger one. She allowed him to pull her closer. With concern she asked him, "John? Are you okay?" He'd been talking to his wife again. He did that sometimes, and every time she heard him, it broke her heart.