I've Loved You Before

Chapter 1 - Ashes

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What's left to say? These prayers ain't workin' anymore

Every word, shot down in flames

What's left to do with these broken pieces on the floor?

I'm losin' my voice callin' on you

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With a heavy sigh, Roman slammed the case file closed, and stood up. Bowing his back, he heard several loud cracks, as he stood up from his chair. Thunder cracked outside, and lightning flashed, indicative of his current mood. Glancing up, he saw Taylor McCall standing in the doorway watching him. He'd been avoiding her all day, feeling a draw to her that felt like he was being unfaithful to Marlena. He spent so much time at work, that he and Taylor had grown close. Possibly, too close. He needed to pull back from that. He needed to focus on his marriage to Marlena.

Ten months. It had been ten months since they'd returned from Mexico. He was still adjusting. Marlena was still adjusting, and as much as it troubled him, the kids were still adjusting. He fought with Carrie almost daily. The twins still refused to call him dad. In fact, they didn't call him anything at all. They started sentences with, um, I was wondering and excuse me, could we. But they didn't call him anything. His frustration grew daily. He felt like Marlena wasn't supporting him. Instead of helping him in his arguments with Carrie, she empathized with her, reminding him that he didn't raise her. Like it was his fault. He was back now. Everything should have fallen into place, but it hadn't. When Marlena mentioned his time away, and John's role in their family, his ire and his rage at John Black was at the forefront of his mind yet again.

The marvelous John Black. Fabulous, kind, generous, and loving John Black. Perfect father and husband, until Roman Brady came home. Finding out that his wife had taken another man into their bed, believing it was him, was a hard thing to come home to. She'd lain with John, she'd allowed him to make love to her, and the whole time she'd called out his name... Roman. Dealing with it had initially seemed as if it would be easy. It was anything but easy. After Mexico, Roman came home with his wife, to his house, his children, and his job. He was smug. He knew he was. He'd won the battle, and yet he found himself wondering sometimes if he hadn't actually lost.

In his absence, Marlena had become a woman he barely recognized. The woman he'd left behind had deferred to him in all decisions. She'd laughed at his bossy, brash nature, and she'd allowed him to lead their marriage without complaint. Even when she'd disagreed with him, she'd still gone with whatever he'd decided. This new version of her confused him. She made demands. She was independent. She didn't back down, and she was endlessly frustrating. He still found her sexy as hell, but more often than not he found her argumentative. So he worked. He worked a lot. It was easier than facing the problems in their marriage.

His job was demanding. It always had been. She'd married him knowing that there would be late nights, missed dinners, and sometimes he might make promises that he wouldn't be able to follow through with. She had been happy and content with that life. Until John. With John she found a version of Roman that balanced detective work and family life like he'd been doing it his whole life. She expected that now. She expected Roman to be her version of John. Roman felt like he hadn't changed, but Marlena's expectations had. She had changed. He wanted the soft woman back. The one who depended on him and needed him. The one who might disagree with him, but went along with what he wanted because she loved him. He wanted that woman back.