RAISING SUMMER

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT

I walk numbly into the house. Devoid of all emotion carrying the box of keepsake I gathered at my place. I don't know where my feet were taking me. To my room, I think.

"There's Auntie!" Luke cheered, bouncing with Summer, I turned. One look was all it took, he was next to me in an instant. "What's wrong?" He asked, his hand rubbed my arm. For once his touch didn't pose any questions. I felt nothing. Luke peeked in the box and froze.

"Oh." His face dropped. "Are you okay? Why didn't you tell me, I would have come with you." He asked softly.

"It's fine, I took care of it." I said hoarsely moving to the garage I placed the box on the ground.

"What do you need? What can I do?" He asked, setting Summer down.

"I'm fine, I just need a shower and sleep." I explained. It took me a second to realize I still had the teddy in my hands. I went to Summer sitting on the ground with her.

"Hi baby girl!" I smiled weakly. Wrapping my arms around her snugly in my lap. "This is Teddy. I want you to take good care of him, okay." She grabbed Teddy, her pacifier still in the mouth and leaned her head against my chest. I closed my eyes tightly. Placing a long kiss to the top of her head. Before I went to clean myself up.

Luke knocked on my bedroom door. As I got up to open it I rubbed my swollen eyes.

"Katy's here to watch Summer. Can you come with me for a drive? I need help with something?" He asked.

"Oh sure." I opened the door wider, sliding my slippers on.

"Might want to wear real shoes and longer pants." He glanced down at my bare legs. I put on long pajama pants and my red rain boots. Turning to Luke he looked like he wanted to comment on my outfit but seemed to think better of it. I was too deep in thought to recognize where we were going until we arrived.

The bar? Couldn't this wait? I bit the inside of my cheek Luke and I had made a lot of progress over the past couple of months.  We went from tolerating each other to maybe friends. Did I really want to throw it all away for a snide comment and a brief release in the anger and despair pulling me down. Not really. He led me through the bar flipping on the lights. He led me to a room surrounded with garbage, old cabinets, leftover items left behind by the Pizzaria.

"You brought me here to clean?" I asked, trying to calm myself. Also why was this room the only one littered who knows. The front of the bar was all ready for paint and furniture, the bar and stage already built, the kitchens as well.

"No." He answered leaving the room returning with safety glasses, gloves and sledgehammer.

"Luke I..." He placed the glasses gently on my head, gesturing to hold out my hands for the gloves before giving me the sledgehammer.

"Before you say no, just for a second stop thinking." He put on his safety glasses and gloves. Telling me to stop thinking was like telling me to stop breathing. My brain never shuts off, not even to sleep. "Everything in this room is fair game." He waited a moment looking at me for the first sign but I just looked at the sledge hammer. "Alright, suit yourself more for me. " He aimed at a cabinet on the floor and went to town, the wood splintering about. My fingers tightened around the hammer before I turned away from him, finding a big ceramic pot on the ground. Pulling the sledgehammer over my head I threw my whole weight into it, only breaking a piece. "I think you can do better than that!" Luke taunted putting on some metal music to fit the vibe. I tried again and only half of the pot was gone. Getting frustrated I kicked the pot over and started hitting it vigorously until it was shattered.

"There you go!" He cheered, I started on the cabinets as Luke and I took turns demolishing everything in the room. "You're doing me a huge favor by doing this with me. I had to take this all to the dumpster out back and hardly had any room." I could hardly hear him over the ringing in my ears. My face grew warm and drenched with sweat. My dark curls caked to my face. I tore apart everything in sight. This wasn't doing anything to improve my mood and my frustration was mounting. Wasn't this supposed to be cathartic, ease my pain or at the very least give way to some of my anger.  I felt everything, every memory raced through my mind at full speed making me lose myself in my thoughts. Tried to imagine the man that was the result of me being alone. Tried to imagine him when I was demolishing everything in sight but it didn't make me feel any better, just made the anger and despair worse. Drinking and driving, I never understood it, never understood why a man couldn't just put the bottle down, why he had to drive. He was the reason my family was left mauled on the side of Hawkins Drive and while he was put away his life virtually over, it would never be enough. The reason why I will never be able to make Parker giggle again, be able to sing him Happy Birthday, watch him take his first steps, or say his first words. The reason why I'll never get to ask my dad for advice, or hear his ridiculous jokes. He's why I'll never hear my mother sing to me, talk to me or laugh with me for hours on end. He's why I'll never hold them, kiss them or see them ever again. It's different for Rachel there's no one to blame except a cruel sadistic universe but I had someone to blame for them. Even though there was someone to blame and punish, it never eased the pain soothed the ache I felt every day or the rage that seemed quiet sometimes but could get loud and over stimulating at the worst moments. Sometimes the pain felt like a dull throb like a headache, other times like now the pain was all encompassing I wanted to pull my hair to feel anything else. God it hurts so bad. Nothing would stop the fact that I will never be whole again. Like a glass you can always be put together with the right pieces but the cracks will remain. I will always leak, I will never hold water again. I wanted to be whole again.

I used to wish there was someone, anyone who understood how dark and endless my life felt. Knowing what I did now, that Luke is the only one I can relate to, I want to scream at myself for how stupid and naive I was to wish for a thing like that. They always say to be careful what you wish for and I wasn't careful enough.

Strong arms grab me from behind, pinning my arm to my sides, releasing the hammer weakly I fell to the floor. Luke held me tightly on the floor with him. His hands tangled in my messy curls. my face was all wet, I was crying hysterically. Feral noises came from my body as he cradled me like a child. His chin resting on my head.

"I know." He whispered. I shook my head, I didn't want him to know. He shouldn't know.

Nobody should know.