RAISING SUMMER

ORPHANS

I sat in the car, Summer sound asleep in her car seat. The rain poured around pattering off the top of the car.

What am I doing? I thought to myself. Guardianship of Summer was mine as listed in Rachel's written will but she didn't even have the chance to ask me officially. This was not how this was supposed to go. I knew nothing about taking care of a newborn baby. I wasn't supposed to be bringing Summer home for the first time. Alone. It had been only a couple days since I had lost Rachel.

I'm numb.

I have only had a couple days to prepare for a child. I pressed my head on the wheel. Summer was quiet. I wasn't sure if she was awake yet but I wasn't ready to find out. I was afraid to wake her seeing as I have not been able to soothe her. She preferred the company of the nurses at the hospital. And now without them I was beside myself with the stress of having to do it all on my own.

I turned off the car engine and stared at Rachel's front door. I don't have time to move everything to my place but I have the spare key to Rachel's. My heart seized. Rachel had everything for Summer. I can take care of her here at least for a little bit. I turned the keys, ceasing the sound of the engine and pulled them out of the ignition. Out of the back seat I unbuckled a sleeping Summer in her car seat. She laid there peacefully with her tiny little lips parted and her rosey colored eyelids closed. I grabbed the heavy car seat careful not to jostle it around too much and I shut the car door behind me.

I struggled with the weight of the carseat as I tried  to carry Summer inside, my panic only increased as I got closer to the front door. I searched for the house key on the keyring as I tried to unlock the door. Overwhelmed by the smell of Rachel's Perfume. I tease her about it. She still wore the same perfume she did in high school. I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut tightly as tears escaped. The struggle of talking about someone as if they are still here alive and well. I scrambled to find a light in the dark house. I ran my hands along the wall, I flipped the light on and examined the house, it was completely different than I remembered. Baby stuff everywhere crib in the hall. I dropped her diaper bag in the chair and set Summer in her car seat on the table. I imagined what would happen when she wakes up and I thought I should get a head start by making a bottle. I searched all the cabinets for the pieces of the bottle until I retrieved them all.

I took out the baby formula in Summer's diaper bag. I heated up the water and started to scoop up the formula. Wait, was it two scoops or three? I asked myself in a panic. Wait a scoop for every two ounces of water. So a scoop and a half? I filled the bottle hesitantly. Summer started to cry and I shook the bottle as quickly as possible.

"I'm coming." I promised, walking towards the car seat sitting on the table and began to unbuckle Summer. She scrunched her legs up. Rachel would have thought that was adorable. I raised her out of the seat and carried her into the living room with her bottle. I sat on the couch and began to feed the bottle to her. Her crying only continued as she refused the bottle. I rocked her gently back and forth.

"It's okay I'm here." I repeated softly patting her back. I looked around the house in a panic. Summer's crying seemed to go on for an hour. I tried to talk to her, check her diaper, feed her, anything at all. I was exhausted and my head pounded with the weight of the last couple of days. I still had to plan the funeral. I collapsed on the couch in tears. This was all too much!

I caught sight of a photo of Rachel and I, her home was littered with photos of us. This one was of us at Mckinley's on karaoke night. In the middle of a song both laughing at each other. I don't think there was ever a picture where Rachel and I weren't laughing. But I knew that there was never going to be one again. I broke down into massive uncontrollable sobs. Summer was completely distracted by my wailing. I don't even know if she understood what I was crying about. Part of me wondered if she was crying for the same reason I was. I cradled her close to soothe her and myself. I placed her on my chest while I cried.

"You were never supposed to have this." I talked to her as if she could comprehend what I was saying. "Your mommy was so excited to meet you. She was so ready for this. You were never supposed to be an orphan." I cried. "Neither was I." I rubbed her back softly as my tears fell onto the back of her tiny little shirt. "I'm sorry you got stuck with me." I apologized. "Guess we have more in common than I thought." I patted her back. "Orphans." I repeated to myself. I wiped my tears away and tried to initiate the bottle again. As her wailing stopped and she took her bottle, I sighed in relief as her eyelids began to drop as she fell back asleep peacefully.

I woke up with Summer still laying on my chest in the recliner of my living room, it was around six at night and I was still exhausted. Words could not describe enough of how emotionally and physically drained I was from the last couple of days. Summer was pretty content but I was pretty sure that was soon to change due to the smell coming from her diaper. I took her into the spare room. Rachel had for me to change her diaper and clothes. It was so unbelievably hard to find stuff around here. Diapers and wipes would be in Rachel's room. I took a deep breath before opening her room. Choking back a sob as I examined her room exactly as she left it. Comforter in disarray, clothes strewn about. It felt wrong to disturb anything. If I closed my eyes I could picture her moving about the room. If I left it this way I can imagine her still being here for a little bit longer. I'm not ready yet.

I closed the door leaning back into it. I can get diapers from her diaper bag. I'll place and order for more later. Along with clothes for Summer. After changing her I set her down in her bassinet. I put cartoons in the living room so I feel less alone and went into the kitchen to make dinner. I decided on mac & cheese because I was too lazy to make anything else that wasn't quick. I made Summer another bottle and waited for the water to boil as I sat in the living room.

It was funny how even though Summer couldn't understand what I was watching, I was still very worried about watching anything else but PG movies and TV shows. I finished making my mac & cheese and I fed Summer and after that she went to sleep but I knew that she wouldn't sleep through the night. We both slept in the living room , Summer in her bouncer and me on the couch. I was too tired to get up and put the rooms and everything together. It was a pretty easy night. I was tired but I was afraid that I wouldn't wake up to Summer's cry so I didn't fall asleep.

I stayed up and watched TV blankly. My eyelids were heavy but my mind was racing with all of the things I had to do tomorrow. Awaiting the most dreadful of all trying to get ahold of Luke. I had called him everyday only to leave a voicemail. I believed he was trying unbelievably hard not to accept my phone calls. Why I didn't know. I imagined the worst possible scenario. Luke once again not answering my calls and him never knowing his niece or showing up or knowing anything about his own sister's funeral. Pained me. Even if that did mean going to extreme lengths to hunt him down eventually. My mind started to slow down and my eyes couldn't stay open. Soon enough I was off into a deep sleep that even my insomnia couldn't interrupt.