RAISING SUMMER

NEVER

I had just drifted off when I woke to the sound of distant crashing. I got up instantly and prayed to God that the sound was Luke. He left the house after the funeral but I haven't seen him in the last couple of days. The sound came from Rachel's room. I walked in slowly. Peering around the corner with a baseball bat I saw Luke. He threw picture frames and vases on the floor, he pulled down paintings. "Luke?"

"I never..." He shouted as he continued the destruction of his deceased sister's room.

"Luke! What are you doing?" I carefully approached him. He didn't answer though he was fueled by his grief "Luke stop!" I yelled.

"I never..." He stammered he was drinking again.

"Calm down and talk to me to quit throwing things. Never what?"

"I never..... I never got to say goodbye." I wrapped my arms around him as he squirmed. He collapsed on the glass littered floor. I bent down beside him and pulled him into my chest.

"I know." I cried.

"I never got to say goodbye to my little sister, If I had just answered the phone when you called." He chokes back a sob.

I've seen him hurt beforehand and know what it was like myself but this was different. Raw. I've seen it before.

I wish I could stop it. Wish I didn't feel it either. It was crippling and debilitating.
"I'm sorry." I sobbed while still squeezing him. "I'm so sorry."

We stayed there for what seemed like forever before we started picking up the broken pieces left behind.

I examined my knees that were attacked by the glass littering the floor.

"You're bleeding." Luke stated.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"I'll go get the first aid kit." He explained, I looked at my battered legs in confusion, why wasn't I in pain. Luke walked into the room with bandages, alcohol and hydrogen peroxide. He sat on the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Give me your leg." I set my leg on his tentatively as he started to clean my leg.

"Remember when we were kids and how I fell while riding my bike at the park?" I chuckled softly.

"Yeah I helped walk you home and I cleaned your knee up." He looked at my knee and smiled. "You still have the scar." He laughed and pointed to the fifteen year old scar that I got when I was seven.

"You always did end up fixing me." He smiled softly with guilt.

"I'm sorry." He stared back down at my knee. "For tonight. "

"You know I've been wanting to do the same thing." I told him.

"I was drunk, angry and I was completely out of control tonight." His voice cracked. "I just know how to live without her."

"I understand more than you know." I smiled weakly.

"I could have hurt you or Summer. I mean, I did hurt you." He looked at the floor. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you Luke." I explained to him. "People grieve in different ways." I shrugged.

"How do you do it?" He looks into my eyes searching for the answer.

"Do what?" I knew what he was asking but not how to answer.

"Cope. You make it look so easy. How do you get over it?" His hand rested gently on my knee.

"I don't, I don't think I've ever coped with losing my parents. I shut my mind down and tried to focus on what I can control but it doesn't work. It always bubbles to the surface at the worst times like..." I tried to search for the words.

"The funeral when you had a panic attack?" He explained. I never told anyone about them except for Rachel. She found out about them during graduation. I couldn't bear to see all the family congratulating their children when I had no one there for me. I lost it. Rachel hides me through it, holding my hand the entire way up the podium her family cheered me on. It was bittersweet. I nodded. "How often do you get them?" He asked softly.

"I couldn't even tell you." I weakly sighed. "People used to tell me that it gets easier, I don't think it does. I lost everyone I love at once. I lived while the rest of my family died. I cry myself to sleep each night only to be woken up from reliving reality in my sleep." My voice cracked as I played with the edge of my T-shirt.

"I'm sorry I asked." He apologized.

"It's okay. I hope it will be different for you." I have to believe that for my sanity.

"Look at us, I'm not sure about you but I know that I certainly know nothing about taking care of children." He leaned back.

"Me neither, Rachel was the sister I never had. She was my rock when I lost everything. It will be hard but I can do this for her." I smiled.

"I heard what you said the other day about being there for Summer. I'd like to be more involved if you're okay with that." He stammered.

"Of course I am." I softly looked at him as he smiled weakly. I don't know how we will do it but it will work itself out I'm sure. Luke finished cleaning up my wounds gently. Helping me up. Rested his arm on my shoulder to steady me. His eyes darted to my lips quickly before taking a step back.

"I'll clean this mess up." He turned away from me.

"Are you sure? I don't mind helping."

"Yeah I need to do this."