RAISING SUMMER

SNUFFLEBUGS

Things were going well with our new arrangement already 5 months in. It was time to come to terms with my living situation. I've been so torn on the idea of if I should sell my family home or keep it. I was settled and comfortable at Rachel's but part of me didn't want to let go. I grew up here. Every last memory of my parents were here and on top of it all I don't ever even think I've changed a single room aside from my own since they passed. Irregardless I have decided that for now I should pack up and clean up the place.

Starting in my room first I packed up all my belongings, clothes, photos, knickknacks, everything. I saved a few items I didn't want in storage. Photos of my parents, Rachel and I, and her family. I left the furniture so the movers could handle that part. Packed up, the kitchen kept out some of my moms favorite dishes. Living room saved my Dad's favorite napping blanket and some photos. I tried to concentrate on everything I had to do rather than what I was packing. It was the only way I could get through this. Until the only rooms left were the rooms I hadn't gone in since.

My parents room and the Nursery. I swallowed torn where to start first. In reality I wanted to do neither, it was too painful but would I trust anyone else to do it? No. I gathered my courage before opening the nursery door. My heart plummeted. Frozen in Parker's room he was only a few months old. Five months, exactly as old as Summer is now. My heart squeezed in pain. I remember how tiny his casket was. I instantly felt sick. Think of something else, I screamed to myself. Even if it crushes me. Don't think about how I lost them. My arms wrapped around myself instinctively. Think about his giggle. It was different from Summer continuous until he got the hiccups. Where I came up with his nickname.

My fingers pinched the fabric of his baby blanket, the mess that it was. I made it when Mrs. Allen taught Rachel and I how to crochet. To say it was a blanket was a stretch considering it was lopsided and I tried to fix it by adding a border and it was entirely too big. To Parker's credit it never left his hands ever. I was worried he would have problems when he started walking, dragging that heavy, too big blanket everywhere he went but unfortunately I would never see that day. Clutching the blanket to my chest I hugged the blanket. My body shook with the force to hold in the tears daring to break free. You have to keep going, I told myself.

I pulled the boxes in the room, gathering all the items, the clothes, the baby shoes and everything just in case I was not ready to let go of him. I only had the joy of being a big sister for 5 months before Parker was ripped from me. He was the last one to leave. Flashes of me begging and pleading with the universe. Planning on how I would make things work if the universe had only let me keep him. I was 18 and I hadn't graduated yet but I was willing to drop out and get a job and take care of him if only he could stay. Anger and sorrow burned in my veins. I bit the inside of my cheek. As the tears broke free. Only one box.  His 5 months of life in one box.

I pulled out his teddy,  He had only 2, that he really loved anyway. Maybe Summer would enjoy one. They were still in good condition not like Snufflebugs my toy bunny. My mom had to do quite a bit of surgery of Snufflebugs throughout the years. He was worn, tired, exhausted but he was alive. Much like me. Where as Parker's teddy's looked new, Parker never got the chance to take them out to play. His toys will never look like Snufflebugs and it devastated me.

I closed the door and there was only one room left. I took a deep breath after opening my parents' door. The sweet smell of gardenia mixed with sandalwood. It's been years but this room smells like they were just here. My heart slowed to a stall. The room was just like they left it neat and pristine.  I choked back a sob. Focus on what you can control. I recited what my therapist told me. I forced myself mechanically to do what I needed to finish. I started packing their clothes, keeping a few out for my own comfort. My dads flannels, my moms sweater and cardigans. Some of her jewelry. I was nearly done with the room finishing up in the closet. I tried to reach for a shoebox at the top of the closet. My fingers barely brushed the box multiple times before it finally fell over the edge and something smacked me in the head.

Scratching my head in solidarity I looked for the item and found an envelope on the floor along with a smaller box that rolled under the bed. I sat on the bed exhausted flipping over the envelope.

Janey,

I opened up the letter. My fingers are trembling.

Our darling girl, we can't believe you're graduating high school already and as a Valedictorian too!Your father and I were just talking about when we brought you home from the hospital. It's a bittersweet watching your babies grow up. I feel like I blinked and here we are. It truly goes by faster than I imagined. Your father and I were just young parents figuring it out all on our own, not knowing a single clue but doing our best.  Look at the amazing young woman and sister you've become. Your dad and I are so unbelievably proud of everything you've accomplished. We can't wait to be screaming from the rooftop in the stands for you. We have and always will be your biggest cheerleaders. Just remember no matter how old you get you will always be our beautiful baby girl. No matter where life takes you Janey Rae we will always be right beside you.

- Always and Forever Mom, Dad and Parker

I sniffled softly tracing my moms beautiful cursive handwriting. They never got to see me graduate and I barely made it on stage. As for my Valedictorian speech. I never performed it. It was with Rachel's help that I gained the courage to get my diploma otherwise, well I don't even know what I would have done. I picked up the box that came with the letter opening it. A gold cuff engraved with the words Always + Forever on the front in my dads handwriting. I let loose a strange foreign cry.

Laying on the bed I clutched the letter close to my heart hollow except for the tears that racked my body. Surrounded by the smell of my parents, maybe I could just lay here and pretend for a while that I had a nightmare and they snuggled me in bed just like they used to. Maybe I could imagine that I got to perform my speech I had worked on my dad with, and the raucous cheers from my parents could be heard over all the others. That I was able to run up and embrace them after all was said and done. What I would do for one last hug from them for one last word or look at them. I can pretend for a moment that they are here with me. I can allow myself this lucid dream, if only for a short time.