I know you didn't want me to have your number. So I won't message you or call you other than this message unless you answer me back. I'm praying that this comes out right because I been thinking for 4 yrs what I'm going to say to you when I got the
chance.
Coconut,
I miss you more than words can explain. I could say I'm sorry a million times, but it's not enough. It's crazy out here in this world.
I really want to see you and Matt. I know you guys hate me because I hurt you, and I don't blame you. I hate me too even though I try really hard not to hate myself.
I've always been a addict of some sort. I have some deep issues, and they make me who I am. I know that you put up with me for years as a alcoholic. You should know I don't drink anymore. I smoke weed to deal with stress and anxiety. I never imagined I could be so wrong again. I feel alone in this world. I never imagined I would live a day without with my sons.. I know u guys put up with an unimaginable amount of pain because of me. I've caused you much pain and anger, as well as weak ass excuses from me. I don't have an excuse for staying gone. I don't have an excuse why I lost myself. I don't think you guys will ever forgive me. I dont even deserve it. You gùys deserved a mom, and I struggle with moving on from all the childhood trauma i suffered and survived. Until you forgive me, I won't forgive me, and that makes me really sick in my mind. It's not healthy to be sad and sick. I have so much deep rooted issues that I fall apart all the time, just trying to accept what I have done to my life and what I laid out for me. I realize I did these things to myself. I have no one to blame but me. And I hate myself more than anyone else. In fact, I don't hate anyone other than myself. How does a mom live without her kids? She can't. She may exist, but she surely won't live.
I think about you guys every single day. It seems like I am already dead.
I just want to make it right. So many people have died,
and if something happens to me, I would never rest in peace knowing I died without telling you how much you mean to me..
We hurt the ones we love the most sometimes. I don't know why it's that way. I never wanted my choices to alter your life. I wasn't thinking clearly, and it's so much easier when you can't feel.
I miss you, and it's been almost impossible to live life without you. Love, that is. I want to be ok...I want to be happy with myself. I want peace in my heart and the war to stop so I can live a semi- normal, healthy life. It's impossible for me to ever get peace in my head if I don't have you guys. It's unbearable for me anymore. It's not a choice anymore Jacob. I won't be able to forgive myself. And i I want peace in my crazy soul. I've hurt long enough. And I want to fill that void in your life. The past is the past. But until you're ready, I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I never asked you guys for anything before. But I'm asking now, even if you hate me. Please Jacob, I'm begging you with everything I got in me to please see me
If you don't, I understand.
And I'll leave you alone. But you're my son. And I can't do this without you. Please don't tell me no.
Give me another chance..
Don't hang on to hate it makes us bitter and unlovable. We hurt people who love us when we hang on to hate and anger. But truly, Jacob, we hurt ourselves more.
There is nothing worse than hating yourself. If you don't forgive me them I deserve it.
And that's OK.
I need you. Your part of who I am. And a big issue for me to work out. How can I work on me and fix me if I can fix the most important part.
