Sorry ( Killugon )

My Selfish Desires

Kurapika asked mito that it's okay if he went to gon's room and did something. Surprisingly, mito gave permission of it. She was okay with it. So kurapika went to gon's room.

When he entered gon's room, the first thing that caught his eyes was two photo frames, one of Killua, Gon, Leorio, and him, and another is of Gon, killua, and Alluka.

He took the two frames in his hand and caressed them. After a bit of time, he put them where it was and started to find the main thing, a diary. He has also asked mito that if, by any chance, Gon had a hobby of writing a diary, and luckily, Gon had one. He just have to find it. He noticed a book type of something under the frame but brushed it off because it had to be a diary.

He searched for hours. Except for the frames, every bit of thing was covered in dust and cobweb. He searched the book shelf, drawers, under the bed, under the bed sheet, in random boxes, but there was not a single diary.

He became tired. He had a habit of reading books, so he picked up that book under the frames, and luckily, he found the diary. The book was the diary. In the front of the book, it was written " My selfish Desires ". There was also a type of letter under that frame.

Kurapika thought about reading the letter first but changed his mind when he saw the " Only for killua " title on the letter.

He safely put it on his pockets and turned the cover page of the diary. As expected, Gon has written all of his pent-up emotions on it. Kurapika started reading.
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To be honest, I never had friends growing up, so I never knew what a friend was or even a best friend was like. When I was in the Hunter Exam, I found some friends. Among them, Killua Zoldyck was my first best friend. We completed the first phase together. We completed the second phase. We completed the fourth phase. When we were on our way in the airship for the 3th phase, we played with netero a game, and we played together, me and killua. I can perfectly remember when we were in the 3rd phase of the exam, I spent so much time with killua, teaching him how to use fishing pole, learning how to use skating board. Eventually, we slept together.

In the Hunter Exam, when I found out the only person who failed was killua and why he failed, my blood literally boiled. I was so much angry that I broke illumi's arm. When we, I, leorio, and kurapika found where killua was gone, went there, trained there for days and we're successful to open the testing gate, I was so much happy.

When we played the coin game with the butlers, I refused to lose, I wanted to see killua so badly that I couldn't even explain what I was going through.

When I finally met killua, again, I felt something, an un-describable feeling which was not just only a feeling for a friend, it was something more. But I didn't understand it, so I brushed it off.

After that, when me and killua went to the Heaven's arena to make money and became powerful at the same time, we met with zushi and Mr. Wing. From him, we learnt how to use nen, which was best if we never learnt about nen. I remember when I first booked a fight above 150th floor, I was severally injured, broken leg, broken hand, broken ribs, some physical wounds. I remember Mr. wing slapped me, and killua added some more spice.

Though, killua stayed by my side the whole time. I also remember that time, I felt so itchy that I requested killua to bathe me, and surprisingly, he did help me in the bath. I felt so naughty about doing something, but for the fact, I can't use both of my hands, and I didn't knew about Killua, how he would feel that's why I did nothing.

I remember it, too. When I was fighting with Zed and under his control, hurting myself, killua helped me to come back to myself, and just for him, I was successful to defeat Zed.

I also remember, when we were in yorknew, we somehow was captured bt phantom troupe. There was a member called faitan who was about to break my arms. Killua was so stubborn that he wanted to save me and yes, I didn't get hurt though.

After that, we were locked in a room with another member named Nobunaga. Killua was so desperate to save myself that he was ready to sacrifice himself. That day, I realised what is pain, for about to loose a very important person. We somehow, escaped from there but killua's words was hunting me down.

Did killua hurted me then? No..... actually, I hurted killua. For my recklessness, killua was about to die.

That day I told killua that I never had someone growing up. It's was killua, him who was my first friend. I'm so dependent on him. Sometime, it hurts to say that we have different goals. And also I told him something selfish but killua understand it.

I said, " You are the only person, who I can rely on. You are the only person who can deal with my pointless emotions, to stop them or lay them bare. You are the only person. So, you know, I beg of you. Never say that it's okay for you to die, not even in jokes ".

But I didn't bluffed, I mean it. From that day, killua never talked about dying.

When we were playing ' The Greed Island ' game, I hurted killua for the second time, this time physically. I said " It have to be killua who have to hold the ball. Only then I can use my full power ". I sounded selfish but though I told the same. I knew that killua was afraid of losing me and I was the same, afraid to loose him.
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