Tim Drake oneshots

Hypothetical Divorce

Tim Drake x Original Male Character implied

Title: The Hypothetical Divorce

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It was a slow day in the Batcave.

Tim sat at the massive computer terminal, sifting through data for Bruce’s latest case.

Jason, on the other hand, had been idly flipping a Batarang for what felt like an hour before he suddenly sat up with a deep, overdramatic sigh.

Jason:
I think we should get a divorce.

Tim, not even looking away from the screen, sighed heavily.

Tim:
(annoyed) What are you doing?

Jason:
(leaning back, serious) Just practicing.

Tim’s fingers paused over the keyboard, and he finally turned his head to give Jason a baffled look.

Tim:
Why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce? You don’t even have a girlfriend or boyfriend. You are the definition of single.

Jason:
(shrugging) I don’t know, man. I’m getting old. I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. (beat) Hypothetically divorce me.

Tim leaned back in his chair, already exasperated, but he decided to humor Jason.

Tim:
Okay, fine. Then I’m hypothetically taking half your assets.

Jason smirked, clearly prepared for this.

Jason:
Well, too bad, because you didn’t sign the hypothetical prenup.

Jason turned his head towards Duke, who had just entered, snacking on some chips.

Jason, to Duke:
It’s called a prenup, right?

Duke:
(nodding) Yeah, it’s a prenup. And you did hypothetically sign one.

Tim frowned, glaring at Duke as he casually ate his chips.

Tim:
(confused) Who the hell is this guy?

Duke:
(grinning) I’m his hypothetical lawyer in this hypothetical divorce case.

Tim shook his head but wasn’t about to back down.

Tim:
Well, in that case, I’m hypothetically taking the kids.

Tim glanced over at Sebastian, who had been sitting quietly in the corner of the Batcave, reading a thick law textbook.

Sebastian was one of Bruce's forensic specialists, but today, it seemed, he was ready to get pulled into the nonsense.

Tim, to Sebastian:
Right? We can get those, right?

Sebastian adjusted his glasses, clearly enjoying the absurdity of the situation.

Sebastian:
(nodding) Yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids. Don’t worry about it.

Jason, standing up now, gestured wildly in frustration.

Jason:
(yelling) Who the hell is this hypothetical fucking idiot? A hella fucking nerd idiot!

Sebastian didn’t even flinch, continuing to look calm and collected behind his glasses.

Sebastian:
(dryly) Wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. I’ll need to keep these on for continuity because, well, I look like the other lawyer.

Tim grinned and crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair with satisfaction.

Tim:
(smug) This is my hypothetical lawyer, and we’ve been hypothetically sleeping with each other.

Jason gasped, clutching his chest in faux-betrayal.

Jason:
(dramatically) How could you hypothetically do this to me, Tim?!

Tim shrugged, completely unbothered.

Tim:
(calmly) Because you’re hypothetically an alcoholic.

Jason threw his hands up in the air, pacing around the Batcave like he was about to lose his mind.

---

Bruce chose that exact moment to walk into the cave.

He paused for a moment, taking in the sight of Tim, Jason, Duke, and Sebastian, all engaged in what appeared to be an intense, yet nonsensical, legal battle.

Bruce:
(sighing) What now?

Duke:
Jason’s hypothetically divorcing Tim.

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly done with whatever was happening.

Bruce:
(deadpan) I’m too tired for this. Figure out your hypothetical problems yourselves.

He turned on his heel and left the room, leaving the group in silence.

After a moment, Jason collapsed back onto the couch, groaning.

Jason:
(defeated) Hypothetically, this is the worst day of my life.