Tim Drake oneshots

The Spleen Agreement

Title: The Spleen Agreement

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Tim Drake had been in some bizarre situations before, but sitting across the negotiation table from Ra's al Ghul to discuss the terms of their "divorce" had to be among the weirdest. The ancient warlord’s gaze was as intense as ever, and the room crackled with tension that not even centuries of diplomatic experience could diffuse. It didn’t help that Ra’s was still wearing his battle robes, bloodstains and all, as if he’d walked straight off the battlefield and into a legal dispute.

Tim cleared his throat. "Hey, I know this is a bad time right now," he began cautiously, "but you owe me $32,000 in legal fees."

Ra’s al Ghul’s eyes narrowed, the slightest twitch of his brow signaling his confusion. "What?"

Tim didn’t flinch. "The divorce settlement. You agreed to cover my legal expenses, but the payment never came through." He folded his arms across his chest, his expression firm despite the absurdity of the situation.

A tense silence followed as Ra’s regarded him, the air between them seeming to grow colder. The Demon’s Head wasn’t used to being confronted over something as mundane as paperwork, especially not from a former protégé who’d once been at his side (albeit against his will).

Ra’s finally spoke, his voice as smooth and dark as a Lazarus Pit. "I have not yet agreed to such terms, Detective. And as you are aware, there is the matter of… visitation."

Tim arched an eyebrow. "Visitation?"

"Yes," Ra’s continued, unperturbed. "Visitation rights. For your spleen."

Tim blinked. "My… spleen?"

Ra’s eyes flashed with determination, as if he were petitioning for something of utmost importance. "It was damaged during our last encounter, and the restorative treatment used a small amount of Lazarus Pit serum. Thus, I have a vested interest in its well-being."

Tim stared at Ra's, utterly baffled. "You want visitation rights for my spleen?"

"Indeed." Ra’s folded his hands neatly on the table, as if they were discussing shared custody of a child rather than a vital organ. "Once every six months for monitoring. It is only fair, given the… investment."

Tim ran a hand through his hair, trying to process this new layer of madness. "Ra’s, I don’t think you understand how custody works. You can’t get visitation rights for someone’s spleen."

Ra’s expression remained unyielding. "On the contrary, Detective. The contract clearly states that all subjects benefiting from the Lazarus Pit may be monitored for potential side effects. Your spleen is no exception."

Tim leaned back in his chair, feeling a headache coming on. "Fine," he muttered, "I’ll let my lawyer know about your… visitation request. But the legal fees still stand."

Ra’s waved a hand dismissively. "If you concede to the spleen terms, I shall consider the matter of your legal fees settled."

"Deal," Tim sighed, knowing full well that he’d just signed off on the strangest agreement of his life.

As Ra’s rose from his seat, preparing to leave, he gave Tim one final, satisfied nod. "Good day, Detective. I shall see your spleen in six months."

Tim watched Ra’s stride out of the room with the air of a man who had just secured a significant victory, leaving Tim to wonder how he always ended up in situations that made even the craziest nights in Gotham seem mundane.

"Only in my life," Tim muttered to himself. "Only in my life does my spleen have scheduled visitation rights."