Only You....

Fractured Bonds

It had been four years since that day—four long years since Arushi was born. Yes, I am a mother now, the mother of a beautiful four-year-old daughter, Arushi.

After her birth, I was going through a few complications, but I survived. A few Dr. and nurses told me it was a miracle that both I and my daughter were alive. I also got to know from them that my husband chose my life, but that didn't affect me much. Maybe my mind had built so much resentment toward him that even knowing he chose me didn't bring any comfort. The fact that he picked me over our child didn't feel like a positive point in his favor. It didn't erase the years of hurt or change how I felt about him. My mind was still thinking he had to think about choosing me, and that was enough to resist him. Since then, anxiety has become a constant companion in my life. I often felt a tight knot in my chest, the kind that made it hard to breathe. Panic attacks would grip me unexpectedly, leaving me gasping for air. I don't like tension and worry.

Arnav, however, was overjoyed when Arushi was born. I still remember how he cried, hugged her tightly, and then turned to me with tears in his eyes. He kissed my forehead and said, 'From now on, no one can say I'm alone. I have you and our daughter. I finally have a family.' he said as if everything between us could be forgotten. But it couldn't.

Many things had changed in the past four years, but the wounds and the distance between Arnav and me remained the same. We lived under the same roof but in separate worlds, barely exchanging words unless we had to. I moved back with Arnav because I didn't want to give him any reason to use our daughter or my mother against me, like he used during our marriage. I was also afraid that he might ask for Arushi's custody. So, I decided to move back in his house. My anxiety issue's didn't let me take a chance. My heart became weak, I bacame a weak person, I accept that.

I try to keep Arushi away from Arnav as much as I can, but the bond between a father and daughter is something I can't control. Every day when Arnav comes home, the first thing he does is look for Arushi. He hugs her like he hasn't seen her in ages, and she lights up with excitement. Arushi tells him all her little demands—new clothes, toys, chocolate, ice cream—everything she wants, she asks from her father. I scold her often, telling her not to bother him with such things, but it doesn't stop them. They're partners in crime, always sneaking around behind my back. To Arushi, her Papa means the world, and no matter what I say, I can't seem to come between them.

The bond they shared scared me, I feared someday he might break my little daughter's  heart just like he broke mine. Arnav treat Arushi like she was the center of his world. He listened to her every word, treating her like she was the most special person in his life. The way he laughed with her and made her smile reminded me of how I used to feel cherished by him. It terrified me to think that someday Arushi could feel same heartbreak , just as I had. I didn't want her to experience that kind of love, only to have it fade away and leave her feeling hurt and confused. I remembered the pain Arnav had caused me many, many times. How could I forget the hurt he had tried to impose on me through my father. The idea of Arushi facing that kind of sadness made me desperate to keep her away from him, to protect her from the potential heartache that could come from loving her father too deeply. 

............

As I walked down the hall, I heard Arushi's laughter coming out from the kitchen. My heart tightened in my chest; I already knew what I would find. Taking small steps I went to the kitchen and saw Arushi sitting next to Arnav at the counter, with a big smile as he scooped her favorite mint ice cream into a bowl. Like father, like daughter, their test in food is weird.

My heart warmed at Arushi's happiness, but the sight of Arnav sneaking these moments with her behind my back made my anger flare up like a fire, I told him once not to give Arushi, any ice cream or chocolates behind my back, but he never listen. As if via this he is trying to make a statement that he has equal rights on her.