Magical Girl?! But I Was a Dude!

Chapter 4: I Didn't Sign Up for Villain Subscriptions

Chapter 4: I Didn’t Sign Up for Villain Subscriptions

I thought defeating the sparkly vacuum-cleaner-sounding general would buy me some peace. Maybe, just maybe, I'd get to enjoy the pigeon feast—yes, I had lowered my standards that far—and figure out how to get out of this magical girl nonsense. But apparently, being a hero came with its own set of problems.

As I lay on the ground, clutching the ridiculous medallion they'd given me, I was just about to ask for a normal meal when the mustached village leader came rushing over again, looking way too excited for my liking.

"O, Great Magical Girl," he panted, "there is yet another threat approaching the village!"

I stared at him, then looked around at the now defeated threat lying face down in the dirt. "You’ve got to be kidding me."

Fluffbuns fluttered by, puffing out its chest. "Well, this is a magical world. Enemies are kind of part of the deal."

I groaned, dragging myself up to my feet. "I didn’t realize I signed up for the villain of the week package."

"Oh no, no, no," the leader said, shaking his head vigorously. "This is not just any villain. This is Sir Growlar, the dreaded werewolf with enchanted fur!"

"Enchanted fur?" I deadpanned. "Does it sparkle too?"

"Why, yes!" the leader nodded earnestly, not realizing I was being sarcastic. "His fur reflects the moonlight, making him nearly impossible to defeat!"

I stared into the distance. "Of course it does."

Before I could protest, the ground began to shake. Again. I was beginning to wonder if this world had constant earthquakes or if it was just cursed with bad timing. From the forest, a giant shadow emerged, and sure enough, there was a massive werewolf lumbering toward us. His fur shimmered with a sort of magical glow that I really didn’t appreciate.

"Sir Growlar!" he roared, flexing his muscles and—because apparently, it wasn’t enough to be sparkly—howling dramatically at the sky.

"Of course, his name is Sir Growlar," I muttered. "This world has the subtlety of a brick."

Fluffbuns nudged me. "You know the drill! Just blast him with your magic and save the village—again!"

I sighed, gripping my staff. "Is this what my life is now? Just fighting a parade of sparkly monsters? Do I at least get hazard pay?"

But before I could start my reluctant magical girl routine, Sir Growlar made a beeline straight for me. His howl echoed through the village as he bounded forward with surprising speed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I yelled, scrambling backward. "Can I at least get a head start?!"

Apparently not. I barely managed to dodge as Sir Growlar swiped at me with claws that looked sharp enough to slice through a full buffet of pigeon soup. I stumbled to the side, feeling the weight of my frilly skirt dragging me down.

Fluffbuns flew beside me, cheerfully unbothered. "Come on, just hit him with something big! You already defeated the general!"

"Yeah, well, he didn’t have enchanted fur!" I snapped, ducking under another swipe from the werewolf. "Why does everything have to sparkle?!"

Sir Growlar growled—because obviously—and lunged at me again, his shimmering fur blinding me for a second. I lifted my staff, more out of desperation than strategy, and shouted the first thing that came to mind.

"GLITTER FURY!"

To my surprise, the staff responded, shooting out a barrage of glowing projectiles. But instead of hitting Sir Growlar directly, the attack ricocheted off his sparkling fur like a disco ball gone rogue, bouncing all over the village square.

"Are you kidding me?!" I yelled, narrowly dodging one of my own attacks as it ping-ponged past me and exploded into a tree.

Fluffbuns grimaced. "Okay, so maybe the enchanted fur thing is a bigger problem than I thought."

"No kidding!" I ducked behind a barrel, trying to figure out what to do next while the werewolf continued his sparkling rampage through the village.

The villagers, instead of running for their lives, started gathering around to watch, whispering things like, "Ooh, so sparkly!" and "Such grace!"

This was officially the worst day of my life.

"Okay, think," I muttered to myself, watching Sir Growlar flex his way toward me. "How do I beat a glitter-proof werewolf?"

Fluffbuns landed on my shoulder, looking thoughtful. "Maybe… maybe you need to attack him with something he can’t reflect?"

"And what exactly would that be? An existential crisis?"

"No, silly!" Fluffbuns shook its head. "You need a spell that’s dull—something with no sparkle or shine!"

I stared at the little fluffball, my brain short-circuiting. "A dull spell? That’s a thing?"

"Of course! Every magical girl has a basic, non-flashy attack for situations like this."

"Great," I said, rolling my eyes. "Why didn’t you tell me that before I almost got glittered to death?"

Fluffbuns shrugged. "I figured you’d want to start with the cool spells. Now just give it a try!"

Reluctantly, I stood up from behind the barrel, facing the glittering werewolf. Sir Growlar snarled, clearly unimpressed with my hiding. I raised my staff, feeling less like a magical girl and more like a very confused office worker with a poorly named weapon.

"Alright," I muttered. "Let’s see if this works… DULL BEAM!"

To my shock, a beam of totally unremarkable, gray light shot from the staff and hit Sir Growlar square in the chest. He blinked in confusion, staring down at the patch of fur that had lost all its magical shimmer.

It actually worked.

Sir Growlar let out a pitiful howl, his body losing its sparkle and collapsing onto the ground in defeat. The once glittering werewolf was now just… a very large, normal-looking dog.

The villagers, of course, started clapping and cheering.

I stood there, still holding my staff, completely stunned by what had just happened.

"Well," I muttered, "I guess even in a world full of glitter, sometimes you just need a little dullness."

Fluffbuns burst into laughter. "See? I knew you’d figure it out! You’re getting the hang of this magical girl thing!"

I glared at the floating furball. "I’m not proud of this. Not even a little bit."

The mustached village leader rushed over once again, holding yet another shiny medallion. "O, Great Magical Girl, you have saved us once more! Please accept this additional token of our gratitude!"

I stared at the medallion. "Does this one come with fries?"

The leader blinked. "Fries?"

I sighed. "Never mind. I’ll just take the pigeon."

This magical girl gig was definitely not what I signed up for.