Martini Kisses (epistolary) ✔️

305

iMessage
my people
WED | 10:16 AM

Milly:
:(

Neve:
Bakit, be? Anong nangyari?
'Di ba naging okay yung usapan n'yo ni Tita?

Milly:
Not Mom. We haven't talked yet. Tonight pa lang.

Neve:
Bakit sad face? :(
Kinakabahan ka ba?

Milly:
No...
This is about Kai :(

Neve:
Nagkausap na ba kayo ulit?

Milly:
Yes :(

Ran:
:O

Ran:
pinapansin mo na siya ulit??
ansabe??
nakita niya na ba yong song?
para sa kanya yon di ba?

Milly:
:(

Milly:
Yes, he saw it na.

Milly:
:(

Ran:
aw
di niya bet? ansabe? :<

Milly:
He didn't react to the song.
Just asked what it was for.

Milly:
I'm scared.

Milly:
I think I messed up for good.

Neve:
Bakit, be? Ano na ba napag-usapan n'yo? 😥

Milly:
I apologized to him and told him I wanted to talk when I come back...

Ran:
tas ayaw niya?

Milly:
He's willing to talk...
But not right now...
He said he needed to think first...

Neve:
Nabigla lang siguro, be. Tagal niya rin naghintay sa 'yo, e 😥
Siguro dapat bigyan lang natin ng more time and space para makapaghanda rin?

Milly:
I know that...
And I do respect his need for more time.
I'm just...
Fuck, I'm scared...

Milly:
What if I can't fix this anymore?
Kasi when he replied to me, I felt it...
May nagbago na and it's all my fault, I know.

Milly:
I don't know how to start making it up to him.

Milly:
I don't know how to start being better for him when I'm still fighting myself even now. I can't think clearly :/

Ran:
kinakalaban mo sarili mo saan?

Milly:
This.
That this is the right choice.
That coming back to him and asking for another chance is what's good for us.
Ang hirap.
I know this is what I want now and I'm willing to work hard for it.
But it's hard to unlearn and deconstruct bad habits.
For so long, I've been so used to flat out rejecting all thoughts of settling down permanently with anyone, so now that I'm ready to change that and chase after what I really want, it's an uphill battle trying to suppress these voices.
It's one thing to fight against everyone.
But it's another thing if the enemy is yourself.
Every minute of every day, I find myself at war with myself :(
I'm crucifying myself for fucking up our relationship. But I'm also shooting myself for even wanting him when I know it'll cause problems with his family na naman. Lalo na I'm not okay pa rin. I'm still recovering from everything.
I'm so tired.
It's so tiring to live inside this head.