just pretend.

14.

“Who’s Minho?”, Changbin asked, his confusion palpable. Felix had left over an hour ago, leaving everyone in a state of shock and disarray. “My ex”, Jisung whispered, feeling his head spin and his chest ache with the weight of the revelation. Changbin’s face shifted as realization dawned on him, rubbing his face with his palm. “And he was Felix’s roommate at the hospital”, Changbin said, piecing it together. Jisung, overwhelmed and disoriented, groaned and began searching for his pants. He slipped out of the sweatpants he’d borrowed, folding them neatly before placing them on the couch. He hastily pulled on his own pants, his mind racing. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this mess”, he said quickly, rushing toward the door without waiting for a response. He fled down the stairs, his hands trembling as he fumbled with the keys to his apartment. The door slammed shut behind him, and he was greeted by Jeongin’s voice. “Wow, what are you so angry about?” Jisung let out a frustrated groan. “I fucked up, Innie. Fuck, I messed up so bad”, he said, crossing the hallway and pacing through the living room. “What did you do? Where have you been?”, Jeongin asked, his brow furrowed in concern. Jisung shook his head in disbelief, unable to find the words. “I was with Changbin”, he finally managed, turning to face Jeongin. He opened his mouth to say more but closed it again, his thoughts a jumbled mess. He ran a hand through his messy hair and collapsed onto the couch, burying his face in his hands. “What did you do, Jisung?”, Jeongin’s voice was filled with worry. “I slept with Minho’s roommate. His best friend out of all people”, Jisung choked out, feeling Jeongin’s sharp intake of breath beside him. “What? I thought you were with Changbin?”, Jeongin’s surprise was visible. Jisung gave a bitter laugh and sank further into the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I was with Changbin. And with the other guy”, he explained, watching Jeongin’s expression shift to one of understanding. Jeongin’s mouth formed a surprised “oh.” Jisung closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the whirlwind of guilt, embarrassment, shame, and an inexplicable desire to do it again threatening to overwhelm him. “I mean”, Jeongin began, breaking the silence. Jisung glanced at him, waiting for what he would say next. “Minho broke up with you and you don’t owe him anything. He probably won’t even find out”, Jeongin said with a shrug. For the first time in their friendship, Jeongin’s words didn’t offer comfort. Jisung nodded slowly, feeling the walls of suffocation closing in on him. “Did you know before you slept with him? I mean, did you know it was his roommate?”, Jeongin asked, raising an eyebrow. Jisung shook his head, prompting Jeongin to make a face Jisung knew all too well. “Then it’s not your fault. Shit like this can happen. Don’t beat yourself up”, Jeongin said matter-of-factly. The topic seemed to be closed, but Jisung was left to wrestle with his own emotions.

Jisung spent the rest of his midday curled up under his blanket, the weight of his choices pressing heavily on him. The soft rustling of the fabric was the only sound in his quiet room as he stared at the course book on his bed. Pages open but untouched, a reminder of his growing disinterest in management and accounting. He felt the pull of a different path, one he had always dreamt of; psychology or sociology. The idea of helping others, of understanding and supporting them, had become more urgent in the wake of recent events. Seeing Minho being dragged out of their driveway, his face contorted in pain after destroying their car, and later finding him sedated in a hospital bed had changed Jisung’s perspective. The sight of Minho’s broken state had underscored the futility of his current studies in the face of real human suffering. He wanted to make a difference, to be part of something that mattered, and he knew that staying on his current path would not fulfill that need. With a heavy sigh, he crammed the course book into his bag and left his room, the decision about his future still unresolved. As he walked down the hallway, he heard soft, muffled voices coming from the living room. His heart sank when he saw Felix on the couch, his red teary eyes and trembling lips a clear sign of distress. Jeongin sat beside him, a concerned expression on his face, trying to offer some comfort. Jisung approached them, feeling a wave of empathy for Felix’s visible pain. “Felix, are you okay?”, he asked softly, his voice full of concern as he took a seat next to him. Felix’s sorrowful gaze met his, and Jisung could see the depth of his struggle. Felix’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as he spoke, his voice cracking under the strain. “I didn’t know where to go.”