just pretend.

10.

Minho let his eyes wander over the facade of the small light blue two-story house on the quiet street where he had spent so many of his childhood summers. The house, with its white shutters and overgrown garden, felt both familiar and foreign. His own car was parked in the driveway. He took a moment to absorb the sight, realizing how much time had passed since he had last been here. He decided to buy flowers for his aunt before visiting her to collect his cats, a small gesture of thanks that felt inadequate considering everything she had done for him. She had taken care of the house, his car, and his cats while he was gone; responsibilities he should have handled himself. But as grateful as he was, being here again brought back memories that made his chest tighten. “Are you alright?”, Felix’s voice broke through his thoughts, and Minho nodded slightly, though he knew it was far from the truth. His heart was racing, and he felt as if he was on the verge of breaking apart. The memories of what had happened here, the emotions he had buried, all threatened to resurface now that he was back. Felix glanced at him, concern etched on his face. “Did your aunt say if the house got deep cleaned?”, he asked, trying to ease Minho’s anxiety with small talk. But Minho didn’t answer. His ears were ringing, a sharp, high-pitched sound that drowned out Felix’s words. Panic began to claw at his chest, and he turned around, pressing the palms of his hands over his ears in a desperate attempt to block out the noise. He squeezed his eyes shut, a grimace twisting his features as he struggled to keep himself together. The pressure was too much. He could feel the panic attack building, the familiar sensation of losing control, of drowning in his own fear. Felix noticed immediately, and without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around Minho, holding him tightly as he softly rocked him back and forth. “It’s okay, it’s okay”, Felix whispered, beginning to hum Minho’s favorite song, a calming ritual they had developed over time. Felix had noticed that Minho would listen to that song on repeat whenever he was about to have a panic attack, and it always seemed to help. Now, Felix hummed it softly, hoping to bring Minho back from the edge. “Give me the keys,” Felix said gently, holding out his hand. “I’ll go in first.”

Minho’s hands were trembling so much that it took him a moment to fish the keys out of his pocket. His fingers fumbled as he tried to grasp them, but finally, he managed to place them in Felix’s open palm. “Just sit on the stairs until I call you, alright?”, Felix said softly, his voice firm but kind. Minho nodded, his legs shaky as he moved to the stairs leading up to the porch. He sat down heavily, burying his face in his hands as he tried to regulate his breathing. The world around him felt too loud, too bright, and he focused on the lyrics repeating in his head. Felix squeezed Minho’s shoulder reassuringly before turning toward the house. Minho listened to the sound of the keys jangling as Felix unlocked the door and stepped inside, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Each breath was a struggle, but he focused on the simple act of inhaling and exhaling, trying to drown out the memories and the overwhelming wave of emotion that threatened to pull him under. He knew he had to go in, but for now, he just needed a moment to collect himself, to remind himself that he wasn’t alone. Felix was there, and he would help him through this, just like he always did. Felix returned a few minutes later, gently placing his hand on Minho’s shoulder. “It looks fine, Min”, he mumbled and Minho nodded, letting Felix help him get up. They got some folded boxes out of the trunk and carried them inside. Minho tried his hardest to ignore the tight feeling in his chest and rushed up the stairs to his room. “What do you wanna pack?”, Felix asked and folded one of the boxes, pulling out tape from his backpack. He fixed the box and ripped the tape with his teeth. For some reason that looked insanely attractive to Minho and he had to push that thought aside. He blinked, letting his eyes wander over his room. “I could use the suitcases in the basement for all my clothes”, he started and opened the small white closet in the corner. Felix nodded and folded another box. “You can put my books in the boxes for now, I got them from my parents”, he whispered, feeling a lump in his throat. Felix started packing his books while he walked down the stairs, getting the remaining suitcases from the basement. He pressed the button for the lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling and started looking for the suitcases, finding boxes of photo albums and decoration for different holidays. He teared up and shook his head, reaching out for the suitcases next to the boxes, deciding to let Felix take the boxes some other day.