just pretend.

49.

Jisung pulled away from Seungmin, his body trembling with the weight of his anger. He had tried, but he couldn’t contain the swirling storm inside him, though at least he managed to stop himself from causing more harm. Not even the alcohol in his veins could dampen his feelings. His shaky legs carried him into Felix’s room, his mind barely registering why he had chosen to go there. Maybe it was because Felix's familiar scent reminded him of better times – times before everything fell apart. Their brief fling had bloomed into an unexpected friendship, something that Jisung had come to rely on. And now, in the midst of his spiraling emotions, that small piece of comfort was enough to steady his frayed nerves. He left Seungmin and Minho behind in the hallway, shutting out their protests and hurried explanations. He didn’t want to hear it. Not right now. His world had already collapsed with his father’s life sentence, the final blow that shattered whatever illusion of stability he had left. Now, it felt like he had lost everything but his brother. His father would rot in jail, a man who was once his pillar, now broken beyond repair. His mother was gone. Minho, too, was slipping away from him – wrapped up in feelings for Seungmin that Jisung should have been more aware of. And with Minho, he feared he would lose the friends that had been his safe haven in all this chaos. The thought alone made his chest tighten painfully. The door to Felix’s room creaked open slightly, and Jisung instinctively turned, a glare forming as he prepared to ward off whoever dared to disturb him. But when his eyes landed on Felix’s worried face, his anger evaporated like mist under the sun. “Lix”, Jisung let out, his voice barely even a whisper, the fight leaving his body. He didn’t want to take his frustration out on Felix, someone who had nothing to do with the mess unraveling inside him. Felix, ever so gentle, fully opened the door and slipped inside, his presence alone offering Jisung a moment of peace. “What happened?”, Felix asked quietly, his voice soothing as he watched Jisung sit on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped in defeat. Jisung took a deep breath, shaking his head as he closed his eyes, letting the weight of everything press down on him for a moment. “It’s because of their kiss in the courtroom, isn’t it?”, Felix’s voice was soft, yet it cut through the air like a blade, the accuracy of his observation striking deep. Damn you Felix and your talent for reading people. Jisung nodded slowly, his posture crumbling as he bent forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and hiding his face behind the palms of his hands. Felix crossed the room, moving with quiet purpose, and sat beside him on the bed. His presence was grounding. “Violence won’t fix anything, Ji”, Felix said, his voice low and soothing, a tone that had always sent shivers down Jisung’s spine. But now, instead of sparking the arousal it used to, it had a calming effect, easing the tension that gripped his heart. Jisung nodded again, slower this time, leaning into Felix’s embrace the moment he felt the warmth of his arm wrapping around his torso. It was an instinctive response – seeking comfort, seeking Felix. The steady rhythm of Felix’s breathing against him was enough to quiet the storm in his mind, if only for a little while. “You should talk to them. To both of them”, Felix said gently, his words a quiet nudge towards the confrontation Jisung knew he couldn’t avoid forever. But just the thought of facing them – Minho and Seungmin – filled him with dread and uncertainty. What if Minho had changed his mind? What if he’d already decided to leave him behind, choosing Seungmin instead? Jisung’s heart clenched painfully at the thought. Would Minho walk away from him again, leaving him in the wake of another breakup? Or was Jisung holding onto something that was already gone, something that was never really his to begin with? As Felix held him close, the weight of those unanswered questions settled heavily in Jisung’s chest, threatening to crush him. He didn’t know if he had the strength to face the truth, but deep down, he knew he couldn’t keep running from it either.

Felix pulled Jisung to his feet with a firm tug, pushing him towards Minho’s door. Jisung’s legs felt like lead, but he was powerless to stop what was happening. He watched helplessly as Felix knocked on the door with determination. Jisung parted his lips to protest, his mind scrambling for an excuse to delay this, but before he could speak, Felix swung the door open and shoved him inside with a firm push. Jisung stumbled awkwardly into the room, the sudden shift in atmosphere making his heart pound. The weight of Minho’s and Seungmin’s gazes fell upon him like a spotlight, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. His stomach churned with nerves, his mouth dry, and for a moment he contemplated turning back. But before he could make a move, Felix’s sharp voice cut through the tension. “Now talk, for fuck’s sake”, Felix snapped, his patience worn thin, before throwing the door shut with a loud thud, sealing Jisung inside the room. Jisung stood frozen in place, his pulse racing as he glanced around. There was nowhere to run, no escape from this confrontation. He had to face it. Turning slowly, he swallowed hard, bracing himself as he finally met their eyes. The room felt unbearably small, the walls closing in on him as emotions he had been suppressing for so long threatened to spill over. He was broken, lost, and on the verge of collapse, the weight of everything crushing him from the inside out. If one more thing went wrong, he felt like he might completely fall apart. Minho rose from his bed, his expression raw, eyes swollen and red from crying. The sight alone made Jisung’s breath hitch. He hadn’t expected to see Minho like this – vulnerable, hurting. The tension in the room thickened, but before Jisung could find the words to speak, Minho crossed the distance between them and wrapped him in a hug. “I’m sorry”, Minho mumbled softly, his voice filled with emotion. The words broke something in Jisung, and before he knew it, he melted into Minho’s embrace. His arms slipped around Minho’s waist, and he rested his cheek against his collarbone, clinging to the warmth and familiarity of him. For a moment, they simply held each other, allowing the silence to communicate what words couldn’t. As they pulled away, Jisung met Seungmin’s gaze from across the room. The younger one sat tensely in Minho’s chair, arms crossed defensively over his chest. There was an unmistakable wariness in his posture, a hesitation that mirrored Jisung’s own uncertainty. They hadn’t spoken yet, but Jisung knew this confrontation was unavoidable. “We should talk”, Jisung said, his voice quiet but strained, the burden of the situation pressing down on all of them. Seungmin gave a small, reluctant nod, the exhaustion visible in every bone in his body. He stood up, crossing the room with slow, deliberate steps. The air between them was thick with unsaid things, and Jisung could feel Minho watching them, waiting for the next move. “I’ll wait in the living room”, Minho offered, his voice low and filled with weariness. He looked at Jisung, his expression tired, uncertain, and full of a kind of quiet pain that tugged at Jisung’s heart. Jisung nodded, watching as Minho slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. Jisung’s attention turned back to Seungmin, who stood in front of him, waiting. “Jisung..”, Seungmin began, his voice hesitant, but Jisung’s mind was racing, the alcohol in his system making everything feel distant and blurry. He should have known he drank too much to have a conversation like this – he could feel his control slipping away. His legs felt clumsy as he stumbled forward, his body moving before his mind could catch up. Seungmin’s eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and caution, and Jisung could see the younger one tense up, his guard going up. But Jisung didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t even know how to put into words what he was feeling. His heart pounded erratically, each beat matching the frantic swirl of thoughts in his head. This whole time, he thought he hated Seungmin – for being close to Minho, for making Minho love him in ways Jisung wished to be loved. But as he stumbled into Seungmin’s arms, almost tripping over his own feet, the realization hit him like a freight train. It wasn’t hate. It was jealousy. Pure, raw jealousy. And yet, he didn’t know what he was jealous about the most. Was it the way Minho looked at Seungmin? Or was it the way Seungmin looked at Minho? Without thinking, without fully processing the gravity of what he was doing, Jisung wrapped his hands around Seungmin’s neck, gripping him tightly as though holding onto the last piece of solid ground in a crumbling world. His body trembled, and his thoughts blurred together into one chaotic mess. Before he could second-guess himself, he leaned in and pressed his lips against Seungmin’s. The kiss was desperate, impulsive, and filled with all the confusion and longing that had been festering inside Jisung for far too long. It was as if he needed this moment, this touch, to make sense of the tangled emotions he could no longer ignore.