just pretend.

PROLOGUE

another pain that you hide behind the smile on your face
and not a day goes by where i don't think i feel the same

Ꮺ

He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. The permanent pulsating that seemed to get stronger and louder every single time he thought about what Jisung's family did to him. The nausea that followed after the spiraling thoughts and the headache he wouldn't get rid of turned it into constant suffering. His panic attacks took over more than once a day and at night it seemed like he was falling into a deep hole without a chance of escaping. "Jisung's parents", he mumbled towards the ceiling of his bedroom. Sleep wouldn't come, he already had given up on it, as usual. He was running on two hours of sleep every day, if he slept at all. His eyes were swollen from all the hours he spent on his laptop searching for evidence, he gave up on covering the dark circles under his long eyelashes and he hasn't eaten a proper meal in over a week. "Enough!", he yelled and his upper body shot up. He had to fight a wave of dizziness and every inch of his body was tickling. Sweat was running down his temple and his hands were shaking. "Enough is enough", he mumbled and slowly got up. His heart was pounding again, he felt it jump against the cage of ribs underneath his own flesh and inhaled deeply to clear his mind at least a little. Weak and unsure steps, but he was getting there - he was getting down the stairs and stopped in front of his father's office. The door was locked and it took a toll on him to even reach out for the key and turn it in its lock. "You can do it! You have to do it!"

He swallowed hard and turned the key, throwing the door open before he changed his mind again. His heavy legs were taking him across the room and around the big wooden desk with files, a whiskey bottle and a glass on it, still used from the night that changed his life. He hasn't been in the office since his parents got buried and he swore to himself that he wouldn't go in any of their rooms ever again. But here he was, reaching for his father's golf equipment. His heart was threatening to jump out of his throat as he shouldered the bag and rushed out of the door. The car keys slipped out of his shaky hand, falling to the ground with a clink that echoed through the entire street as soon as he fished them out of his pocket and he had to take a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down a little. He bent down and picked up the keys, hearing thunder roll over the clouds. It was way past midnight and he was aware that most people would be sleeping, which made it easier for him to go through with his plan. The car unlocked and he slid onto the driver's seat, hearing another loud thunder echo through the dark night. He threw the bag onto the passenger's seat with a loud thud, started the engine and put his foot on the gas pedal, speeding through the streets as if his life depended on it. Rain had started to come down and his clothes were halfway soaked as soon as he got out of the car, grabbed one of his father's golf clubs and walked up the driveway to Jisung's house. He dragged the golf club behind him and the scratching of the metal on the concrete in the driveway was hurting his ears, sending a shiver down his spine, making his arm hairs stand up. The thoughts in his head were spinning once again and he wanted to silence them, one way or another. He didn't care if he died tonight, he just wanted peace. The rain was blurring his vision and he had trouble getting a hold onto the car in the driveway. A black jeep he used to make out with Jisung in when they went to highschool together. His heart ached at that thought and he clenched his teeth, pushing the thoughts aside. He put his right foot onto a wheel and pulled himself onto the engine hood with all the strength he had left. The surface was slippery but the rain lessened and he found a hold on top of the roof. The golf club reflected the faint light coming from a lantern next to the garden entrance and he tilted his head to take in the beauty of it. "What a shame", he muttered, wrapped both his hands around the handle, raised the golf club above his head and watched the big, round end of it go down on the windshield of the car. The loud noise of the breaking glass and the alarm that immediately came from the jeep echoed through the quiet night. He saw a light being turned on in the first floor of the house and raised his arms again, letting the golf club come down again and again, smashing the windshield entirely. The golf club shattered the windows and side mirrors and the alarm tore his ears apart. He grunted and screamed, letting out his frustration, sadness and grief every time the golf club hit the cold surface of the car. Not once did he cry - not when he found his parents in the living room after they got murdered, not during the investigation or during their funeral. He didn't even notice that his tears had mixed with raindrops and Jisung was yelling at him to stop from the entrance of his warm, cozy house. "Minho! What the hell are you doing?", he heard him yell through the ringing of his ears and lifted his head to finally look at Jisung. Rain was dripping from his soaked brown hair and his eyes darted through the night, landing on Jisung's face. Time seemed to stand still and the rain was falling in slow motion as he kept staring at the boy he once loved more than anything in this whole world. His chest was aching every time he inhaled, making his lungs hurt as if someone pushed his head under water and his heart was racing as if he ran a marathon. "What?", he whispered and watched Jisung's parents walk out of the door. Jisung's father was yelling into his phone, something he wasn't able to understand through the alarm and his ringing ears. Tears and raindrops were making their way down his heated and reddened cheeks. Jisung rushed towards him and he watched his parents call after their son, worry, anger and fear written all over their faces. He blinked a couple times, watching Jisung struggle to climb onto the destroyed car, internally hoping for him not to get hurt. "Idiot", he scolded himself and raised the golf club, pointing with the round end at Jisung. "Don't come closer", he said between clenched teeth and glared at him. "Minho, you have to stop", Jisung pleaded and he watched him raise his hands in defense. "I don't want to fight, okay? But my dad called the cops and you're going to be shot if you don't get off the car, please!" Minho shook his head vividly. "I don't care", he cried and squeezed his eyes, slightly looking up to the sky, feeling the raindrops on his skin. "Isn't that what your family wanted?" He turned to Jisung's parents. "Seeing my family dead, isn't that what you bastards wanted?", he yelled and pointed at them with the golf club. "This is your chance! Fucking kill me like you killed my parents!"