Dark and light: The Shadows

Chapter 32

I looked at Mum's hands. Holding mine, occasionally lifting a hand to wipe away tears, finally holding and consoling me the way I haven't allowed others to in these past months.

'I just want to be fine again.'

She stroked my hair and gently rocked me as we sat on the grass. The sound of the river would've fooled me into thinking this was real life.

'You will be... Honey?' she paused petting my head.

'Yes?' I felt my eyes prick with tears again. I could feel the dream ending and I would rather remain in her embrace forever.

'In all your sadness, pain, whatever you're feeling, I'm right there. Hold up your left palm and I'll bring a wave of comfort.'  I choked another sob as I nodded, yearning for her to pet my head again. 'She'll yearn for knowing you. Even if you're afraid of her right now... Just like her mom. You must love her, you knew you could've terminated and still you kept her. You contained. You're as precious as she is.'

'I can't take care of her.'

'Ayala does it well;' A clock began to chime. 'I love you. All.'

'Wait, no, I can't do this without you.' I sat up and soaked in the beautiful dress she was wearing. 'I love you.'

'What did I say?' She looked me in the eyes with a slight smile, and I met hers, nodding. 'come here.'

she hugged me and I memorized her perfume.

It travelled outside of the dream realm as I slowly woke up. The feeling of her hug faded, then the perfume and I could feel the warm tears run down my face. Then, it felt cold.

Sabrina carefully rubbed her hand over my arm, covering it with the blanket. I let her hug me as I pressed my head into her chest. 

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My report card would make some parents flag me with a belt and spend a summer on a village ranch, but I was just glad I could complete this semester's subject. I was as focused as I could be for the remainder of this semester and that's all that mattered. 

"So, are there any questions? Is there anything we can do to make sure all is better next time?" my advisor asked, and I slowly shook my head, ready to exit this chat room. "Okay, well, if you have any questions, especially for Neurophysiology 2, please let me know. "

I nodded and muttered 'Bye' as she finally closed the call. I sat silently on the bed, eventually staring at the closet. The figure wasn't there, it hadn't been for a few days. I chalked it up to PPD hallucination. I also had a new injury that I wasn't conscious to receive. I wasn't going to bring that up at any of my sessions. I was taking half of my antidepressants, I didn't need antipsychotics.

Eventually, I got up and grabbed my sketchpad. I HAD to draw out the dress I saw Mum wear. It had to be my inevitable wedding dress style so that I could hold onto her somehow; in a physical transcription. It took time, but it was done before dinner time, with a few check-ins and me keeping my sketch concealed as best as possible. Once I scanned it, took a picture of it, saved it on a flash drive, and used whatever backup I needed, I was satisfied for the day. If I could get a personalized perfume scent as well, then I would.

Then I remembered it was almost dinner time, and I hadn't helped decorate or prepare anything with anyone. So much for pre-Thanksgiving. 

I got downstairs and saw three people busy in the kitchen and my sister busy in the hall. I prepared myself to ask her how I could help, but with her back still facing me, I could see she was holding Marie. I bit my lips together and backed up as quietly and quickly as possible.