Dark and light: The Shadows

Chapter 29

I spent more time fantasizing about how he'd die than studying for my test.

One scenario included watching him walk into an empty lane when suddenly he gets hit by a car. Maybe I sent that car into overdrive. Another was having a hallucination in the middle of class and accidentally grabbing a piece of science equipment that proves its fatality. It just got worse and worse.

"Heyo!" Deven stepped out of the bathroom, squeezing her soaked hair with her towel, then stopped when I narrowed my eyes at her. "Desculpe."

I shook my head and picked my book back up. It was quiet in our dorm for another 30 minutes if you excluded the sound of her putting hair products in and my sighs while flipping the pages. This textbook has little fun facts on the corner of every page, which made me chuckle a bit. 

Human bodies can glow, but we can't see it.
Oxygen is pale blue once you can get it to a cool liquid or frozen state.
A razor blade can dissolve in your stomach.

That last one, I could understand. Hydrochloric acid is one hell of a chemical liquid once it isn't in its proper encasing. I didn't need the book to tell me that. I set the book aside. I wasn't retaining anything currently.

"You know, I was possessed once?" I tilted my head back, eyes closed and exhaled.

"Puppeteered, yeah... do you think you still are?" She looked a bit taken aback when I paid her a second of attention.

"I dunno," I rotated my neck in half circles. "I just think having BPD is like being possessed. The way things switch like you turn on or off a light. It's annoying and scary till it isn't. "

"Wanna explain that last part?" She sounded concerned.

I looked at her again very briefly.

"Well... fifteen-year-old me would cry, thinking about standing up to someone. Now, I pray to everything that anyone who... violates me,  doesn't see me again or it would be the last time they're sane or alive. I have to gather the control from outside of me so I don't do anything once I'm in that state." I looked at my stomach and pursed my lips. "That's the scary part."

She nodded in understanding and opened her arms for a hug which I reluctantly took.

"You've been ok mentally?" she sounded muffled.

"Yeah, I just feel heavy." I rubbed her back.

She pulled back and looked at me, raising her brows.

"Ok, but I can assure you, you're not." She once-overed me again before we heard a knock at the door.

I quickly pulled my sweatshirt down and grabbed my pillow. Anya entered and waved. I sat on my bed and observed her. She had this wide smile, so I anticipated good news.

"Ok, first, did you show Deven the video of Marie babbling, sounding like she said 'mama'? Oh, you MUST see this, Dev." Anya spewed and dragged a chuckling Deven to the bed.

I closed my eyes and focused on shutting the door. It took a while, and back pain followed shortly after. That started last week. I need to book a massage. I rolled my neck again and held the pillow tighter so I could keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.

Thoughts of purging were coming back slowly but surely, but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't wanna relapse into that too... Fuck.
 I fiddled with the safety pin on the necklace as I glanced at the cooing young women. A small smile slithered onto my face remembering how sweet the baby seemed while holding her. Her name "Marie" was after my mom. That was her middle name. I subconsciously ran my hand over my stomach and felt movement. Then I remembered how Storm sounded delivering her child. And that minor anticipation turned into dread again.