Little broken birds {ed sheeran & One direction fanfiction}

Chapter 21

(Izzy’s POV)

I knew they thought that this would make me better again. That they thought I would return to normal. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t that simple.

Sure, this whole drama with Ed had probably brought on this problem more, but it had always been there. I’d just gotten good at acting like everything was okay.

Just with everything that was happening, I hadn’t had the energy to pretend, but I do now.

I saw the way Harry looked at me. He knew.

I think Cloe had been suspecting it recently, but I just couldn’t admit it to her. Hell, I couldn’t even completely admit it to myself!

Sigh.

Wait did I just sigh in my head? Weird.

Maybe Ed can help me, that’s what Harry and Niall think anyway.

I have to say, since I cleared everything up with Ed, I have felt a bit better. But then that could just be because Cloe convinced me to start taking my pills again. I hate taking the medication, it makes me feel so tired all the time and it makes it seem like other people think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am though.

I was under CAMHS until I decided to stop showing up. But now that I was living with Cloe, they had no way of tracking me, so I’d gotten away with it so far.

Children & Adolescence Mental Health Service.

I remember when nobody would tell me what it meant for months on end. They were scared at how I would react to it. How I would react to being told I had a mental illness.

Let’s just say I reacted worse than they thought.

Knowing that I was mental certainly didn’t help towards the self-loathing anyway. It just added to my long list of reasons as to why I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Everyone thinks I’m better now. Well, the only people who knew about my past, and present I guess, are Cloe and Niall. I want to tell Harry, I’ve gotten a lot closer to him lately; he’s like a brother to me now. But I don’t know how he’ll react. Sure, I’d really love to be able to talk to him, but if I tell him and he wants nothing to do with me anymore? I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.

And then there’s Ed.

Sweet, beautiful, charming, amazing Ed.

If he finds out….

He’d leave me if he realised how broken and messed up I am.

As soon as he finds out he’ll leave me. He’s ED SHEERAN. He couldn’t be with someone like me, the media would go crazy, the fans would hate me, Ed would hate his fans, which would make them hate me more.

I would ruin his career.

I can’t do that.

As soon as he found out, he’d dump me, cause he certainly doesn’t want to ruin his own career.

I can’t do this.

He’s gonna end up breaking up with me.

I should never have kissed him….

I shouldn’t have kissed him again….

I’m just gonna end up with my heart even more broken.

Which I didn’t think was possible.

But I’ve fallen for him.

If I lose him, my heart will be shattered, shredded, in tatters.

If I wait, it could be months by the time he finds out.

I’ll be so in love with him by then, and he might have started to like me to.

It will hurt so much more for both of us if I wait.

Better to get it out the way right?

Better to not open up, not let down my barriers.

Than to let him in, and let him literally kill me once he realises.

Yeah.

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. But it’s better for both of us, so it’s not selfish, not completely.

He probably doesn’t even like me that much anyway.

This will hurt me more than him.

But it will be better in the long run.

I have to do it.

I have to tell him that I don’t like him in that way.

I have to break up with Ed Sheeran, before he has a chance to break me first.

Break up with the man I love more than anything or anyone else in this world.

And it’s going to hurt like hell.

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and that is all you are getting until I update tomorrow.

My friend suggested that I set a goal, like 'I wont update till I hit 150 reads' or some shit like that. but I'm not mean.

hopefully i'll update tomorrow. just warning you though, the next few parts are very short :/ sorry

lots of love

laura :) xx