Conflicted Heart (Completed)

Thirty Two

Zane

It's been just five days since Yani had the miscarriage and she isn't doing well at all. She has completely shut down. She won't eat or sleep. She lies in bed and stares out in space all day. It KILLS me to see her like this. My heart breaks more and more every day watching her in the state that she is in. I'm just trying to hold it all together. It's all surreal to me right now. I can't believe that the baby we created is just....gone. Just a week ago, we were so damn happy. We were planning to move into a place together and planning for the new addition to our family. I'm hurting just as bad as Yani, but I am trying to keep it together for her and for Nia. When Nia found out, she cried for hours. She was so hurt that she wouldn't be having a little brother or sister soon like she was planning. Well it's Friday morning and I just dropped Nia off at school. I went to pick up one of Yani's favorite muffins from a café downtown on the way back home. Once I get home, I put the muffin on a plate for Yani and I fix her a bowl of fruit. I also fix her a glass of milk. I put the food on a tray and I take it up to the bedroom. I go in and I see Yani lying down facing the wall as usual. I sigh and I set the tray down next to her.

"Not hungry," Yani said lowly.

"Yani you haven't eaten since you have been in the hospital that isn't healthy. You need to eat."

"I don't care."

"Come on now I have your favorite muffin. Take a bite babe." Yani shakes her head "no" and I sigh as I take a bit of muffin into my hand. I sit next to Yani and I put the piece of muffin to her lips.

"Come on take a bite," I said.

"Zane stop. I'm not hungry," Yani said while pushing my hand away. I sigh as I put the piece of the muffin back on the plate and I rest my hand on Yani's back.

"Baby what you're doing isn't healthy. I know this hurts. I know it does. I know how excited you were for this baby and I was too. I could not wait to have this baby with you, but....it just wasn't our time baby. I know it isn't fair...but we have to deal with this. We have to find a way to get through this."

"...I know all of that Zane. I hate how you have lectured me these past five days, I really don't need that right now."

"I'm trying to help you out Yani. I hate seeing you like this."

"What do you want me to do Zane? Walk around like everything is fine? Huh? Well it's not fine Zane. I'm not fine. Why didn't our baby get to live huh? Why is our baby gone? I don't understand."

"I know it isn't fair but Yani this are the cards we were dealt and we have to make the best of it."

"....How can you be so calm about this? Did you....not even want the baby to begin with?" My eyes widen in shock and then my eyebrows furrow in a bit of anger. She can't be serious right now.

"You're joking right? How the fuck can you say that to me? Huh? You know damn well that I wanted to have this baby with you how could you think any differently? I love you and I was so excited for us to expand our family. I'm trying to keep it together for you. You have broken down completely and I can't do that because someone needs to be strong for you and for Nia. I'm trying to do my best but this shit hurts me too. It hurts my heart. I want to break down too Yani but I can't ok....I just can't," I said as tears filled my eyes. Yani's eyes soften and she tries to grab my hand, but I pull it away before she can. I stand up from the bed and Yani sits up in the bed.

"I'm sorry Zane....I didn't mean what I said," Yani said through a sigh.

"No you did and that's fine Yani," I said slightly angrily. Yani gets out of the bed and walks up behind me. She wraps her arms around me from behind and I sigh as I look up.

"Come on let go Yani," I said while sighing deeply.

"No. I'm sorry Zane. I really can't have you mad at me right now. You're the only one that can help me through this," Yani said softly. I run my left hand down my face and then I turn around in Yani's arms. Yani looks up at me and I sigh. I grip her legs and I pick her up in my arms. I sit on the bed so Yani is in my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist.

"I know I haven't been myself Zane....I was just so excited to have this baby with you. I just really wanted us to expand our family. I have always wanted to be a mom and I feel like that opportunity was just taken from me," Yani said.

"I can understand that. I feel like a part of me was taken away too. That baby was a part a both of us. I hate that this happened because it isn't fair....but we are going to be alright. I'm here for you and I always will be. We can always try to have another baby Yani," I said.

"Why? So I can lose the baby again," Yani said unconfidently.

"Hey I don't want you talking like that Yani. When the time is right....then we will have our baby."

"...You're right." Yani rests her head on my shoulder and I hug her tightly. This isn't going to be an easy recovery for either of us, but I believe in me and Yani's love and I know we are going to be alright.