Outside the lines

Part 22 - Zoey

The bell rung, lunch is over.

I try to hold my breath and stop myself from crying as I run across the corridor - passing by students and teachers walking into class. I break into the bathroom and lock myself into a stall before falling to the ground. I place my back against the wall and I throw my hands over my face, trying to sob quietly.

My whole body feels like its being weighed down as thoughts race through my head. I hug my knees against my chest, but its not even been a few minutes before the door to the bathroom opens again and someone walks in, they're footsteps fast and worried.

- Zoey?

Rowan. I can tell by her voice.

Her footsteps stop in front of the stall door. I can hear her place a hand on the door.

- Zoey? she asks again.

I get up and unlock the door, meeting Rowan's slightly red and puffy worried eyes. She seems out of breath and concerned - I can barely look her in the eye so i just look down, expecting for her to be angry, i got us caught after all, she has every right to lecture me.

Suddenly, Rowan steps forward and throws her arms around me, gripping me tightly against her.

For a second I just freeze there, shocked because I didn't expect her to do this - but eventually I wrap my arms over her shoulders and dig my head in the space close to her neck. The bathroom is silent for a moment before Rowan pulls away, keeping her hands on my shoulders. 

- I'm sorry, its my fault Dana found us. If I hadn't asked to-

- What are you talking about Zoey? Its not your fault you know, we both wanted to-

- I always ask you to kiss me though, I'm sure your sick of it - I'm sure your sick of me.

Rowan held eye contact, her eyelids seemed heavy and her brows were furrowed but her eyes were still wide and her iris seemed darker than usual, like they seemed occupied.

- Why on earth would I ever be sick of you?

I look down again and pull away from Rowan, I pace around the bathroom before walking back up to her again.

- I've been causing so much trouble for you, I've been making you run around for me and I haven't given you your answer yet.

- Answer to what? Rowan looks just as worried.

- i know that you don't want to keep us a secret, but i have no idea how I'm going to tell my parents, my friends - it all just seems so overwhelming. I still haven't even figured myself out yet.

Rowan steps closer and places her hands on my shoulders again.

- There's no rush Zoey, I'm fine with this-

- You're not, I know that.

I walk over to the bathroom stall and sit down, I bring my knees back up to my chin. It feels good to have talked about it, to have talked about how scared all of this makes me feel. Rowan sits down beside me and lets me place my head on her shoulder.

- I know its going to be difficult - figuring out my sexuality, coming out to my parents and my friends, but even if this whole process is going to be a world of trouble, having you by my side makes it all so much easier.

Rowan smiles, i can feel her heart warm up, like my words touched a special place in her heart. She places her hand on my cheek and kisses my forehead. 

- I'll be with you every step of the way Zoey.

***

I come home, holding my cheerleading bag by my side. The house smells clean and fresh, the carpets been vacuumed and the wooden floors have been moped. Mom looks up from the counter where she was cleaning the dishes, "Hi Zoey, how was school?" she asks.

- It was good, practice went well too.

Mom smiles, "That's good to hear".

I smile back at her before taking off my shoes and walking over to the stairs and up to my room. Once I enter, I crash onto my bed and close my eyes, it felt good to have talked to Rowan about what was going on, about how guilty, confused and scared I felt. Even if I know this can only be the start, I could at least say things weren't too bad for now.

I think I'm going to ask Rowan out soon, but I don't exactly know when, i still have to figure out my sexuality and figure out how on earth I'm going to tell my parents; i don't even know what they'll think.

Suddenly, there's a knock on my door, its my older sister, Olivia. 

Liv is only 2 years older than me, she's eight teen, she has a job and a car she can drive around, everyone she knows would describe her as the golden child of our family - and i guess if she's all golden that means I'm just silver.

- Can i come in? she asks through the crack of my bedroom door.

- Yes, come in.

Liv peeps into my room before entering and closing the door behind her, she walks over to me and sits onto my bed.

- How's everything going? You've got a big game to attend in a couple of days.

i forgot about that.

- Oh, yeah. I'm ready for it, so is the rest of the cheerleading team.

- Cool, mom and dad will be there to see you.

I sigh and lay onto my back.

- They always say that but they never show up. They only come see your games.

Liv falls onto her back beside me.

- Don't say that, your games are important too, Z.

Olivia gets up and opens the door to leave.

- Even if they don't come to see you, I'll be there.

She smiles at me before leaving and closing the door behind her.

Once she's gone, I sigh and sit up on my bed. Even if Liv is a great and supportive sister, i cant help but feel like I'm always living in her shadow, she living and thriving in this golden air and I'm just a few feet behind her, trapped in a dark mist.