Watership down: a horror story

Chapter 15

(Warning: strong language and cartoon violence)

Hazel: bigwig! Let's find a way to fight woundwort if he comes
Bigwig: he is here!
Hazel: then I'll shall talk to him.
Bigwig: WHAT?! Are you fucking serious?
Hazel: he has gone far. I'm taking over.
Bigwig: are you sure? What if he-
Hazel: bigwig! No. I got this.
Bigwig: oh man...I'm one dead rabbit...
General woundwort squinted his eyes
General woundwort: what the-
General woundwort: hang on, you're the ones in the riverbank! You're his emotional dealer! Did he send you?
Hazel: well yes.
Hazel: I am a friend-
Fiver bumped into his shoulder
Hazel: we had a difficult relationship.
General woundwort: uh huh...
General woundwort: I see, listen um...
Hazel: Hazel.
General woundwort: oh. Right.
General woundwort: now listen Hazel, what is left unfinished on the riverbank must be finished now!
Hazel: it would be better for the both of us if we could come to terms and end this.
General woundwort: terms? Very well, these are my terms.
He shows his terms on paper
Bluebell: what are you talking about? It's just a dopey drawing of yours!
General woundwort: oh, there's more.
Bluebell: more?
Bluebell went through the pages until he screamed
Bluebell: WHAT THE HELL?!
Hazel: wait. Let me see.
Hazel: 😨
Hazel: vore? You devour our people alive?!
General woundwort: no, I only devour our dead people!
Bluebell, Hazel, fiver: EWW!
Fiver: why?!
General woundwort: when the first execution was born,
Flashback:
General woundwort: I was about to kill a poor buck of mine until...
~Gggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrooooooooooowwwwwwwllllll~
Buck: ?
General woundwort: what was that?
Orchis, campion, vervain: ...
General woundwort: well?
Orchis: sir. It's you.
General woundwort: what are you talking about?
General woundwort: ~grrrrr~
General woundwort: huh?
Vervain: that was your stomach. It means you're hungry.
General woundwort: oh yeah. You're right. I forgot to be there at the field.
Campion: I know. You were so busy in your office, doing work.
Buck: well at least you won't kill me right?
General woundwort: 💡
General woundwort: actually...yeah...I do
Buck: huh?
General woundwort: my favorite captains Orchis, vervain, and campion watch me kill the buck brutally and then v word came in
Orchis vervain and campion: oh my god!
Orchis: no don't!
Vervain: please! Come on!
Campion: don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! Ew! You did it anyway! Great!
Present:
Hazel: you doing this so you can eat us?
General woundwort: no. I only do it for the ones I hate.
Fiver: ew! That's disgusting!
General woundwort: I know.
Hazel: you call these terms? They don't look like terms!
General woundwort: those are my real terms.
Hazel: no.
General woundwort: no hand over the deserters immediately or...
He snatched fiver and brought out his knife closer to fivers neck
General woundwort: or bye bye fiver!
Fiver: aah! Don't please! Hazel! Don't do it!
Hazel: ...
General woundwort: make your choice...
Fiver: please! Don't! I beg you! Don't! Wait what are you doing?
General woundwort starts making a cut on fiver's arm
Fiver: AAAAH!
Hazel: 😰
Hazel gave the deserters to him.
Hazel: here you go! Please! don't hurt my brother.
General woundwort let fiver go and gave bluebell a tight hug.
Bluebell: don't worry kid. I got you.
Hazel: you got what you want. Now leave us alone.
General woundwort: there's one more thing...
General woundwort: now I need to go and kill you next...
Hazel: I'm afraid we won't agree with that. But I can suggest something even better. For the both of us.
General woundwort: you are not in the position of bargaining!
Fiver: but we're not bargaining!
Hazel: please, we shouldn't fight each other.
Hazel: we both have enough enemies as it is. Perhaps we can join. Join free. Independent Warrens.
General woundwort: ah, I see...let me think about that...
General woundwort: THATS SOME FUCKING NONSENSE YOU HAVE THERE! Hazel bitch!
Hazel: what did you just call me?
General woundwort: I don't have enough time for this nonsense!
Captain 2: shall I kill him sir?
General woundwort: no...💡 I have an idea.
General woundwort: alright Hazel...let me make you a favor. You can have your terms back.
Hazel: oh, thank you.
General woundwort: but...here's the favor...
General woundwort: tell bigwig that if he and Hyzenthlay and you guys and the does come outside when I come back to the Warren, I'll tear out the throats of every MOTHER FUCKER IN THE PLACE!
Fiver: um...yeah, that must be a serious joke. I mean he's kidding right?
General woundwort: I FUCKING MEAN IT ASSHOLE!
Fiver: he's not kidding.
Hazel: you can't just do that to us. What did I do to you.
General woundwort: you work with him!
Hazel: oh yeah. Why not ask fiver?
Fiver: me?
General woundwort: then it's official Hazel...
Hazel: but I won't let you hurt our Warren...
General woundwort: *chuckles* well then...
General woundwort: game on...alien...
Hazel: *laughs* alright then...
~Hells greatest dad playing~
Hazel: ah ha!
Hazel: *singing* Looks like you could use some help, From the big boss of London himself; Check out hazel's glowing reviews on Yelp (Five stars! Flawless! Greater than great!)
Hazel: *singing* Oh, with the punch of a pentagram. I wap-bam-boom, alakazam! Usually, I charge a sacrificial lamb but you get the family rate
Fiver: thanks Hazel!
Hazel: *singing* Who needs a busboy, now that you've got the chef? (wow) Michelin-tasting menu, free à la carte. I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref! Champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that's just a start!
General woundwort: *singing* Who's been here since day one? Who's been faithful as a nun? Who makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun?Your executive producer?
Fiver: That's true!
General woundwort: I'm your guy, your day-to-day. Your chum, your steadfast hotelier. Remember when I fixed that clog today?
Doe: I was stuck, thank you sir!
Fiver: Oh you!
General woundwort: *singing* I'm truly honored that we've built such a bond
Fiver: aw
General woundwort: *singing* You're like the sibling that I wish that I had
Hazel: uh, what?
General woundwort: *singing* I care for you, just like a brother I spawned
Hazel: hold on now!
General woundwort: *singing* It's a little funny, you could almost call me mate!
Hazel: *plays a violin*
General woundwort: *plays a piano*
Hazel: *plays a accordion*
General woundwort: *singing* They say, when you're looking for assistance. It's smart to pick the path of least resistance
Hazel: *singing* Others say, that in your needy hour. There's no substitute for pure angelic power!
Fiver: 😍
Hazel: *singing* Who just happens to also be your blood!
General woundwort: *singing* Sadly, there are times a birth sibling is a dud
General woundwort: *singing* They say the family you choose is better-
Hazel: what a bunch of losers!
General woundwort: Can you butt out of my song?
Hazel: Your song? I started this!
General woundwort: I'm singing it, I'll finish it!
Hazel: Oh, you tacky piece of–
Dandelion: *singing* It's me, yes it's me! I know you were all waiting for me! I'm here, what a gas. Took a while, but I'm present at last! It's me, it's me: DANDY!
All: ...
General woundwort: Who?
Bigwig: get back here!
General woundwort: come on kiddo. Make your choice.
Fiver: I...uh...
General woundwort: will it be me? Or will it be that terrible motherfucker?!
Hazel: fiver, don't listen to what this manic has to say, he hasn't done anything to you.
General woundwort: not another word from you Hazel! Fiver will Choose-
Fiver: Hazel. I choose Hazel.
General woundwort: WHAT?!
Hazel: what?
Fiver: you're innocent Hazel. And a brother to me. And I wouldn't wanna be able to make this man my true guardian! My real guardian is you, Hazel rah.
Hazel: thank you fiver.
Fiver: *hugs his brother*
Hazel: I'm sorry general woundwort. He made his decision...a permanent decision.
General woundwort: ...
General woundwort: fine! Have him. I don't even him anymore...
General woundwort leaves angrily
Fiver: wait. Where are you going?
General woundwort: what's it look like I'm doing? I'm heading home.
Fiver: yeah! Go back to where you came from.
General woundwort: oh I will go back, as long as you-
Fiver: 🖕FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH!!!
All: *gasps*
Fiver: oh my good. What did I just say?
Bluebell: okay. Sorry about that. We'll be ready.
The trio left
Hazel: hello? What was that?
Fiver: I'm sorry Hazel. It just came out of me!
Hazel: what your anger?
Fiver: ...
Fiver: yeah. I had to say it.
Bigwig: not gonna lie fiver, that was pretty so cool.
Blackavar: are you seriously encouraging him this shit?
Bigwig: no. I'm just saying he did a great job.
Bigwig: BlackBerry, I told orchis and campion to sneak on him tonight.
BlackBerry: tonight? Isn't it dangerous?
Dandelion: a night scouting! Oh yeah! I'm going!
Bigwig: no. Absolutely not.
Dandelion: aww.
Back in their Warren, orchis and campion with flashlights were nervous.
Campion: I...I don't know about this...what if we get killed?
Hawkbit: campion. Listen to me, you'll be fine. No matter if you die, you'll be fine watching over us over the plan.
Hawkbit: You know, Campion, I might not say it often—actually, I probably never say it—but you're not half bad for a son. Don't let it go to your head, though. Still gotta keep those ears sharp.
Campion: Thanks... I think.
Hawkbit: Yeah, yeah. Just... don't do anything reckless, alright? Someone's gotta keep you out of trouble, and apparently, that someone's me.
Campion: thank you.
Orchis: alright!
Blackavar: if we ever fall apart or die, you and me, see you in heaven
Orchis and campion full of pride left back to efrafra.
Blackavar: seriously, two rabbits are going to fight efrafa for us and what if they get killed by the general? Ha! I mean they're just going to use mini guns and daggers... what's the worse thing that could happen?