It's stupid to mourn a thing that isn't dead, but these days, all I feel is grief. The life has been sucked out of the world, and all I can think about is death. That's so emo and melodramatic for me to say, but I mean it. I feel like ass. Just as I do every year.
Jack said he thinks I care about people more than they can care about me, which was kind of nice to hear, because I feel that way a lot. But it's also terrible. He mentioned how he thinks that Julian is being "unsympathetic" to my situation because he kept complaining about me sleeping on his couch. Fair, I guess. No, actually, not fair. He fucking offered to let me sleep in his house. And the thought of him being in any way unsympathetic to my shit when I have been one of the most tireless sympathizers to his shit of all time just makes me want to sock him in the fucking face. You have no God damn right to look down on me, if that's what this is (he said nothing of the sort). You don't just clean up your act and then look down at the others who haven't done the same as quickly. You were like me far longer than you ever were like people whose shit was more together than mine, and I'm not going to let you fucking forget it. You are like me, little man! That's why we are fucking friends. The thought of this just enraged me when I was told this, and I'm not a very angry person.
I guess I just feel sad that a time in my life I really enjoyed is coming to an end.
I don't know what comes next, less so than when I started. I might completely change directions. All bets are off with this depression.
Ewan and Sarah could move in together, Jack might move to the UK, Rindra across the country or to Philadelphia to do their PhDs. Kaiden and Natalie will do whatever, everyone else I know. Etc., etc.
I love you guys a lot. I hope you feel I've been good to you. People talk about how true love is like a rare once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. I feel like I found something just as special in you all. I'm so scared of losing you, although, I know this has to end. We can't all just hang out at Dewey's forever. Nothing's forever, dude. I just, I don't know. I don't know what to do.
How do I live the rest of my life?
Sometimes, I feel like the extent to which I care about other people is neurotic and obsessive. Like, I'm somehow defective for caring this much, which sounds like such a bullshit humble brag. Especially as a man. I feel like such a wuss. But that's what people say is good about me. Whenever I feel really bummed out, like, unbearable terrible about this, I read either your DMs or this message Natalie wrote to me when I moved to Edmonton. She told me I was a rare person, that I see the world in a really special way, and that everyone loves and respects me deeply, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes. It was basically a big thank you for all the nights I stayed up with her, talking her through all that was going on at the time. Her mom used to thank me for making her feel like she belonged somewhere. When she used to tell me that, I felt like I had done the ancient, perennial job I have been divinely ordained to do: go around the world in search of its weirdos and fight loneliness. Sometimes, every couple of months, I feel like I have done this. The last time, it was when I interviewed Nicole Boychuk, and I stared at the ceiling of Dewey's with a sleeve of Sea Change Blonde in my hand, feeling like I had scaled a mountain.
I'm writing this because I feel like such shit and I need to remind myself that people like me.
I hardly address you in these anymore, Madison. These things are meant for you to read, even though it's fully transitioned to my public diary. I really love you. You are my best friend.
Ryan (the bi one I used to make fun of, which I give myself too much shit for doing) is about to go through the kind of death in the family that's complicated because his relationship with said terminal family member is complicated, which breaks my fucking heart. That's the kind of thing that casts this enormous, unavoidable shadow in your life forever. It never goes away, and Ryan knows definitively that it's coming. Jack and I today talked about what we would do if we were in that position. I don't know. It stresses me out. I would be losing it. Knowing Ryan, he has to be losing it. I can only imagine the thickest, most unceasing darkness in his future. It makes me so sad. How the fuck do we go on living? How to live? That's the question. If this is it, if this is what we have to contend with, then how do we live? What to live for? That's my question.
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Things to do, so I don't fucking losing my mind:
-Finish unfinished schoolwork. Deal with consequences in a manner that is honest, fair, and self-compassionate.
-Sleep 8 hours a night. No all-nighters. You can't handle your sleep deprivation. You got to give yourself a fighting chance.
-Your friends care so much about you, and you aren't losing any of them. Take every text message, phone call, dinner, and breakfast they've sent or given you as a testament to that. Take that as an absolute value in your life.
-Be kind to yourself. Shit is getting fucked, sure, and please take responsibility for it, but don't write yourself off as a dumb asshole. You are going through something that is very serious. It is something that can be managed, and it doesn't take away your dignity. You care a lot about others, but you need to care about yourself more. What do *you* want? Focus on that.
-Keep being fair to others. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, which you have, but don't turn that into you dumping your problems onto them (which you're not).
-Be honest. Express when you've fucked up, take ownership. Keep moving.
-Eat 2-3 times a day.
-Wash your face every night.
-Journal as you have, and write about problems with the intention to fix them, just like this.
-Look into seeing a doctor by Wednesday. Ask Blaze and your mom for the connect. For real. You don't get to blow so much time on this and not deal with it. It's not weak to look into this. You are taking responsibility for yourself here.
-See a cool movie, read a cool book, listen to a cool record at the end of the week. It'll make you feel better about the world.
-Stop reading about Israel-Palestine for now.
-Maintain abstinence from alcohol and marijuana. You are on the year's best streak. Maintain it. They are the last things you need right now.
-Also, lay off the porno. You know my emboldening libertarianism, and I get why you watch it, but too much of anything isn't great for you. Especially this thing. No matter your libertarianism, it's not great for your sex life. Yes, you do not have one at the moment, but for the sake of your well-being, do things that help it out.
-Don't feel like you have to save people like Enid or Julian. They can save themselves. Save yourself. You're just a fellow traveler. Keep your distance. Try not to talk to them so much.
-This can get better with some hard work and a little help from your friends and family. You will be better for having truly dealt with this. Remember that you have a future.
-You are still so young.
-You are smart, curious, kind, and strong. Cling to those things right now. You must believe in yourself. These units are the foundation of your fight against the Flatness, which is what this is. A fight. I hope you didn't forget that. Keep fighting. I believe in you.
-Get one thing done a day.
-You are good.
-Get through the week. This is definitively your last difficult one. Get through it! You will be with your friends and family in no time.
-Grieve this time in your life, sure, but think about it differently than it being a straight grief. This time in your life that you enjoyed so much is ending, but a time where you can be better is starting. Imagine: being with all your friends, who are perhaps scattered all around the world, but as a better version of you. And you can have that! Just keep working. Stick to the plan.
