My Life, My Choice

I healed without you

November 27, 2024

She was crying so hard this time. She said, "Sis Millie, about the work that you gave me, I felt that it was not my passion. Something's missing that's why I didn't excel and I started feeling that I can't do it." 

I cut her, "Why did you just say that now? It took my a month to train you then you're gonna tell me now that you didn't like it? Why didn't you tell me that time so that I have stopped teaching you. You wasted my time and effort for believing you that you need the job and you want it."

"I tried. I really tried falling for that work. I'm really sorry for not telling you earlier." She said while wiping her tears.

I was also crying, "You knew that I never lack and I treated you greatly." 

She also opened up what she did to our Ka Amy, "Ka Amy also had the same experience as you, I bothered her. I felt guilty. That's why I also left her. I was scared that I might be the burden. Also, I had a pile of problems. For instance, I haven't been talking to my parents for a long time. I was having a hard time with them too. Everything was just problem. My school, my life, my family..."

I advised her, "You know what, I'm not convinced. Sorry but I don't believe that. I was the same as you when I was a teen ager. I also used my life drama, problems, challenges to persuade other people to help me. And you know what after they helped me, I left them just like what you're doing to us. You know why? It's not because of my parents or opinion of others but because I don't want to feel like I need to reciprocate. I want to only receive, receive and receive. But I never wanted to give and give. You know, when someone helped you, you need to reciprocate. I didn't like that when I was in my young age. And you know what, I also blame my parents, my problems and my life. I used to be doing what you're doing. That's why, I advised you to be honest and true to me, okay?"

She nodded and I continued, "If you don't like something just say no. Don't lie or make excuse because it's not a good attitude. What you did to me is the same pattern as what you did to Ka Amy. You know what, I was so mad at you that I left this church branch because I really don't wanna see your face. I was so hurt, broken... But the reason why I'm so calm, telling all these things, all these hurtful memories I've had because of you? It's because, I have recovered. I healed without you. I am able to go back to myself because I stood. I cried many times. I did. I was so depressed. I was miserable." 

She cried harder then a tear from my eye came out. 

"I healed alone, without anyone else with me. Without you and our group."