Blood Orange Periphery

42. Journal Entries Post-Twenty-Seven (Week 7, 8 & 9)

WEEK 7
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Negative Nancy #44 — 09/12/2024

Was trying to figure out if I misremembered something and ended up scrolling through past conversations with him to check... for almost an hour. And it made me so sad.

I think standing at the edge of the ocean, somewhere on the Scottish west coast, bare feet planted on cushiony seaweed, with the breeze blowing through my hair— would heal at least a little piece of me.

He might not have been my Second Miracle. But he might've freed the way for my Second Miracle. The fact that the seed of that possibility has been planted in my head, is a miracle in itself. I trust my intuition irrevocably, and the seed's presence implies that I was wrong about him. A difficult thing to reconcile with.

The most frustrating part about this admirable display of self-awareness and emotional availability, is that no full orchestra has appeared in my bedroom to play Tchaikovsky's Overture 1812, Op. 49, TH 49 from approximately 15:10. No one has shown up at my front door to offer me an exorbitant financial prize, nor am I being regaled by applauding therapists. Disrespectful, offensive and deplorable.

Focusing on work assignments for now.

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Negative Nancy #45 — 10/12/2024

It's such bad, bad business to villainise people as a coping mechanism. I know it's wrong but I just can't help myself. I do not forgive and forget, I hate and I remember. Even if nothing unforgivable has happened. Even if I have no right to hate whatsoever. I hate and remember until I don't, and then I banish them from memory.

I want to hate him, and I've been trying, but I really can't. He's too good. Anyways, I don't care. Don't care about anything at all. Really really really don't care. But I do, I care an awful lot. But I also don't. Never have and never will again. But I also do, I care so much it makes me want to weep. Simultaneously, I don't give a fig OR a rat's ass.

Hope that clears things up xxx

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Negative Nancy #46 — 11/12/2024

My waiting time for the specialised therapy has been cut down by a month! My intake appointment is on the 23rd of December. Couldn't feel more relieved.

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WEEK 8
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Negative Nancy #47 — 16/12/2024

M'lady therapist and I decided to put the job search on hold for the rest of the year. I'll pick it back up in January, once I have a clearer idea of what my weeks will look like, especially with therapy and possibly (maybe, _maybe_) starting driving lessons. Though I'm really not keen on that. I've got a solid routine in place, I'm financially independent, and that's what matters for now.

She said to stop worrying so much, and I was about to argue when she elaborated with: "you _will_ live in Scotland, you _will_ become a published writer. Those things are inevitable," and said it with such conviction, I felt sort of flabbergasted. Towards the end of the session, she also told me something like, "You're so resilient."

Thanks! My options were this or death, and as it turned out, I was too chicken for any preliminary meetings with the ferryman so here we are.

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