White Lies

Regret

"Hindi ko alam artista din pala ako?"

"Yeah. We actually did two movies together." Lea chuckled.

It was a lazy Sunday morning. Aga has been discharged from the hospital and now recovering at home. He still undergo therapy from time time.

Lea handed him a freshly squeezed juice as Aga protested upon seeing Lea holding a coffee on her other hand.

"Sorry sweetheart. No coffee for you. Your meds doesn't go with that. Tiis ka muna." Lea smiled.

"May magagawa pa ba ako? Pinagapaguran mong gawin to, syempre iinumin ko." Aga winked.

Lea smiled as she stares at him. Sometimes he has actions that somehow near to his past self.

"Wow... That was one hot kiss."

"What?" Lea was confused.

Aga's eyes were wide and showed his phone to Lea. It was a video of a kissing scene of their past movie together.

Lea shook her head as she drinks her coffee.

"Oh believe me. We've done more than that Aga." Lea chuckled.

Aga agaped at her and she realised what she just said.

Lea cleared her throat.

"Well, privately of course."

"Y-you mean.. We-" Aga stuttered.

"You were my first Ags. My God, I can't believe I am feeding your brain with this stuffs." Lea hid her face with her hands.

"Putcha.." Aga exasperated.

Lea peeked and finally put down her hands.

"Bakit hindi ko maalala." Aga said as he raked his gaze into Lea's body.

"Manyak." Lea chuckled again as she threw a tissue on him.

"Aga. Stop staring as if I am naked." Lea bit her lip.

"Nakakainis kasi, hindi ko maalala." Aga gave Lea that naughty smile.

"Totoo, hindi mo maalala?" Lea teased.

"Hindi talaga. Paalala mo nga." Aga teased back.

"Manyak mo pa rin Ags. Ewan ko sayo." Lea dismissed.

Aga smile faltered as she stares at Lea.

“Lea…why do you still love me?”

Lea looks up at that and the sheer shock and hurt on her face makes Aga recoil. He means no harm by the question, but it nags at him whenever he's not being buffeted by migraines.

"Aga, " she murmurs, voice sticking in her throat.

Lea looks small – smaller than usual, Aga thinks briefly – as she sits, shoulders drawn up, and hands fiddling nervously with her coffee.

It makes something rise up in Aga instinctively. It makes him want to hug Lea. Hold her hand.

"I'm sorry, " Aga says quickly. "I just thought…I don’t know what I thought. I wanted to know, I guess. I’ve been thinking about it."

"You have?" Lea asks, hope colouring her tone. "Does that mean-"

“-It means that I’m trying,” Aga stresses. He draws his jacket around his shoulders further, averting his eyes. He can’t imagine staring into Lea’s eyes and not feeling like he’s about to burst into tears at any moment.

Lea is quiet for a moment. Then, she takes a deep breath.

"I love you because I can’t imagine anything else, Ags."

It’s so quiet that Aga almost misses it.

"Lea," he says quietly.

"I love you because you make everything better. You make everything feel like it finally makes sense." Lea inhales shakily. "I just…realized all those years ago when we first worked together, you were just pulling me into your orbit and I haven’t regretted anything about it.” Lea starts to cry in earnest. “I haven’t regretted falling in love with you. I haven’t regretted anything about dating you, loving you, and planning a future with you. I just regret that we didn’t have enough time.”

Emotions flare up inside Aga at that moment. He feels sympathy, passion, love, adoration, but also-

Anger.

It melds frustratingly with the lingering pain in his head – the on and off flares of agony that he gets because he just can’t…fucking…remember.

He doesn’t get to feel these things because he doesn’t even remember meeting Lea. He doesn’t remember how Lea changed his life.

He’s angry because Lea is alone in this … this relationship. Are they even still a thing?

He’s angry at everything that has brought them to this point. Why does Lea get to hurt so much? Especially when all Aga feels are remnants of what he imagines their relationship could have been.

Whenever he looks at Lea and sees the sheer pain he’s putting her through, all Aga feels is guilt that weighs down on him.

“I love you for everything that makes you who you are, Aga,” Lea says in an infuriatingly gentle and soft voice. “I love you because you’re you and I’m me and this is just how it always has been.”

Aga isn’t sure whether he wants to scream or cry to himself, or maybe even at Lea to go away or beg for her forgiveness. He wants to kiss her or - or ask her to hold him for awhile and hope it will all finally feel as right as she deserves.

The dam breaks.

“I don’t even know who…” he says, choking on a sob. “Who am I?”

“It’s okay,” Lea tells him, eyes shining with more unshed tears. Aga thinks irrationally that Lea somehow still looks beautiful.

Aga’s thoughts stutter and he lands somewhere between I’m so sorry and I want to be better…for you.

Lea is still speaking. Aga tunes back in.

“You’re Aga Muhlach. And I will always love you and whatever it means to be Aga…for you.”

---

😢

"WhiteLies