Caution to danger (manxman)

Self doubting (31)

Orion holds the door open for me as we enter the small cafe that Kendall always raves about. Claiming that they have the best pastries in the city. I smile at him in thanks before we walk to the counter to order our drinks. I decided to get a hot chocolate and an egg sandwich since the cereal o had earlier did nothing to soothe my hunger. Orion insisted on paying, making me feel slightly bad. After getting our orders we walk to a table located on the corner of the small space.
"So, what has your mood so good today?" He asks as he stirs on milk and creamer into his coffee. I blow on my hot chocolate, thinking of how I should respond to his question.
"I went to my lawyers yesterday, he's going to build up a case for me. I'm hoping that this will help prove that he's guilty. On the way out of his office I bumped into Darren. He over heard me saying that I wouldn't anybody to experience what I did. We made up, and he's coming to my apartment later and we are going to talk about it." I explain. Still feeling the same anxiety as earlier. He's silent for a moment, his eyes glancing over my face.
"What are you going to say?" He asks. Taking a sip of hi coffee before placing it down on the table. Wrapping his hands around the cup.
"I don't know. Maybe what I told the lawyer?" I say, not sure about how I'm going to explain to the man who I have feelings for the traumatic experience. What if I anger him? What if he leaves me?
"You don't have to give him a play by play." Orion says. "When I told my... Significant other about what happened. I told him too much, it caused me to go into a severe depression. Reliving that day will do you no good." He finishes. His eyes filled with the sadness that's always there when this topic comes up.
"Okay. What if he gets angry?" I ask him, a frown on my face. He looks at my with sincerity in his eyes.
"He won't, not at you. He's likely to be angry that it happened and that he wasn't able to prevent it. That's both the boyfriend and Dom in him. So don't be surprised if that happens." He says.
"I'm anxious." I whisper. Tears building up behind my eyes. He reaches over and grabs my hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze.
"That's normal Derek. Opening up is a part of the process." He says. Removing his hand to unwrap my sandwich. "Now eat, you look like you haven't been eating well."
I follow his instructions and slowly eat my food. He smiles at me softly, continuing sipping on his coffee.
I sit back in my seat once I'm done eating.
"Do you have a ride to school?" He asks as we stand up and walk towards the door. I toss out my garbage.
"Yeah, I have my truck." I respond. Thanking him when he holds the door open for me.
"Okay good, well I'm parked down the street. I'll see you later." He promises with a tight hug. I wrap my arms around his waist, laying my head on his shoulder. His hands rub my back soothingly.
"It will be fine." He whispers into my ear. Before pulling back and smiling down at me. His eyes filled with sincerity and empathy.
"What if it isn't though? What if I lose him?" I voice. He pulls me into his arms again.
"Then I'll be here for you, you have Kendall and Monroe. You have a support system." He rebuts. I nod and take a step back out of his arms.
"Thank you." I sigh, smiling at him weakly.
"Call me if you need me, I'll be there in seconds." He vows. After that we both part.
Walking back to my truck I think to myself that I feel slightly better than before. The doubt is still there, but knowing that I have a safety net to fall back onto puts it slightly at ease.
If I felt like I could go to someone at the beginning I believe that I wouldn't be like this right now. So untrustworthy and self doubting. I'd be more open with myself and others. I would have gotten professional help.
That's another thing that Monroe brought up, seeking professional help. I'm not opposed to the idea, I just find it stressful. Going from hiding it away, to telling people about it and about my feelings. I would usually just hide it behind a smile, and a few sensible jokes. Now, I find it hard to even smile. Things have changed, for the better? I don't know.