My Understandings [ON HOLD/EDITING]

My Understandings: Part 20

So the song in the sidebar is just so you know what song is playing while all of this is going on. Decided to try and let the music set the mood of this chapter. Enjoy :) 

-Edith's P.O.V.-

I roll over on my side and grab my iPod off the ground and change the song . I had been laying on the floor with Alan for a few hours now, just listening to music. We used to do this all the time last summer. We both loved it. Just sitting there allowing ourselves to think, not caring about anything else.

I roll back over onto my back and stare out Alan's window. I listen to the music and close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Edith." Mumbles Alan. I open my eyes and look over to him but his eyes are still closed. "I'm sorry." He says. He opens his eyes and looks over at me. I see the sadness in them and it breaks my heart.

"Why? Nothing that has happened to me has been your fault." I say. I scoot closer and place my hand on his shoulder, trying to tell him that I'm ok. But I'm really not. I don't even know if I can handle being here anymore. I know people care about me but the pain inside my chest makes it hard to breath and I'm ready to let go. Alan grabs my hand and looks back up at his ceiling. He sighs and closes his eyes, I can tell he's not happy with what he said, but I'm only telling him to the truth.

"I'm fine." I lie with a fake smile. Alan jerks his head and looks at me with so much pain. He squeezes my hand and I look down, holding back the tears in my eyes. I can't stand it when my stupid life makes Alan upset. He deserves nothing but happiness and I can't seem to let him have that.

"Don't lie to me like that Edith. I know you're not ok. I want you to be happy. I'll.... I'll do anything as long as you promise...." He says with tears welling up in his eyes. Deathbeds from Bring Me The Horizon starts to play and only makes me want to cry more. 

"As long as I promise what?" I say. My voice cracks which causes Alan to look away in sadness. The song plays on.

"Eyes like a car crash

I know I shouldn't look but I can't turn away.

Body like a whiplash, salt my wounds but I can't heal the way"

"F-for..." He mumbles. A single tear runs down his cheek.

"I feel about you."

"Alan?" I say, letting a tear roll down my cheek he looks over to me and all I can see is sadness, pain, regret.... hopelessness. 

"I watch you like a hawk

I watch you like I'm gonna tear you limb from limb

Will the hunger ever stop?

Can we simply starve this sin?"

"Please don't ever try and kill yourself again." He chokes out as he turns and wraps his arm around me. I can feel him shaking, trying to stay strong, but I can also hear him crying. My heart breaks, is it sad that I've been thinking of killing myself? I feel worthless but... Alan, Kat, Austin, and everyone else have been making me feel differently. The music comforts me as I cry with Alan.

"That little kiss you stole

It held my heart and soul

And like a deer in the headlights I meet my fate

Don't try to fight the storm

You'll tumble overboard 

Tides will bring me back to you"

Alan squeezes my hand and pulls me closer, I can tell he doesn't want to let go, neither do I. Never have I ever had a friend who cared as much as him... It surprises me. After we broke up I thought we would never talk again, but look at us now.

"Alan. I promise I- I'll never leave. I'll always be here." I cry out. My tears flow harder than they ever have before, I can't make him feel like this again. When I tried to kill myself he stayed in his room until I got out of therapy. He blocked out everyone else and his feelings caused him to be empty, all because of me.

"And on my deathbed, all I'll see is you

The life may leave my lungs

But my heart will stay with you"

I can't let Alan feel this way again. No. It's just no fair, why can't I just disappear without anyone getting hurt? I wish Alan would find someone else to be close to so I won't hurt him someday. I know I'm to weak, I will break someday, and when that day comes, I don't want to disappoint anyone. Alan runs his fingers through my hair and takes a deep breath.

"Thank you." His voice shakes.

"The waves will pull us under...

Tides will bring me back to you...

The waves will pull us under...

Tides will bring me back to you..."

Alan loosens his grip on me and I lean back to see him wiping his tears away. He looks to me and wipes my cheeks of all the tears I've shed. It feels nice to know he cares, so much. I curl up into a ball and scoot close to Alan. He rests an arm around me and I drift off to sleep.

"That little kiss you stole

It held my heart and soul

And like a deer in the headlights I meet my fate"

I finally feel like people care. Austin showed it today, Alan showed it... now all I need is to find my friends. I can't stop thinking about what could be happening. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go find them, if it's the last thing I do. Alan holds me tighter and I drift off to sleep.

"Don't try to fight the storm

You'll tumble overboard

Tides will bring me back to you"

[Authors Note]

Sorry this chapters so short! I have much more planned but there will be another short chapter. I will update quickly! I promise

Helen <3