My Understandings [ON HOLD/EDITING]

My Understandings: Part 11

"Why were you at my house Kat?" I ask. Her blue eyes look out to the window as she tries to remember what exactly happened. I squeeze her hand tight and she looks back at me. "Kat... tell me." She sighs and looks at Alan then me. Austin walks in and stands in the doorway looking at the ground.

"Phil and I got in a fight because I was thinking about going to a different college than what we planned... I felt alone and scared so I ran to your house because I wanted to talk to you. I climbed up the ladder to your room and you're dad was at the window. He dragged me into your bathroom and locked me in there and then lit the fire. I tried yelling for you but the smoke was choking me... The next thing I remember is waking up in here today... and the doctors telling me that I'm going to die..." She says. She starts to cry and puts her face in her hands. "I'm so stupid... I'm so sorry..." 

I climb up into the hospital bed and begin to cry with my dying best friend. I'm so dumb. If I would have stayed home I would have been at the window to greet her and not my dad. If I would have heard her while my dad was going crazy by the fire. She was a small 10 feet behind me in the bathroom but I didn't hear her. It wasn't my dad thrashing around... It was Kat... and I ran out on her. I could have saved her life but I just didn't hear her.

Time passes as we hold each other while crying. I hear Alan and Austin talking but I can't tell what they're saying over the sobs of Kat.  I hear footsteps running down the hall and Tino yelling.

"PHIL! Slow down!" I hear Tino yell. Phil bursts into the room, Tino following. I slide out of the hospital bed and turn to see Phil collapsed on the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Baby I'm so s-sorry!" He shouts. He gets up and lays beside Kat.

"I'm sorry too Phil... I should've never left..." She cries out. 

"No, I should have let you do what you wanted to. Please don't die on me Kat, I love you so much I can't do this without you..." He says. He runs his hand down her arm and their fingers intertwine for what seems like the last time...

I start to cry again and lean my head on Austins chest and begin to sob, louder than I expected but that doesn't matter to me right now. My best friend is dying, what else am I supposed to do? Austin pulls me into a tight hug, with one arm he rubs my back and with the other he runs his fingers through my hair. I don't even know what to do about this situation anymore. It's completely out of my hands and all my fault.

"Why was she even there?" asks Tino. I cry even harder into Austin's shirt as he rubs my back.

"Her and Phil got into a fight and she went to Edith's house and go stuck in the bathroom. I don't know what else happened." Alan explains. Tino sighs and looks at the ground.

"I knew they were in a fight. That's why she wouldn't answer him. He was really worried about her because he felt like shit. He came over and just sat in my room and stared at the wall... I understand now..." says Tino.

"Baby where are your parents?" Phil asks Kat. Kat closes her eyes and begins to cry more. 

"My parents are in Detroit right now trying to get a flight back but the doctors don't think I have time. They're doing all they can but they can't keep me alive for much longer... my wounds are infected and the antibiotics don't seem to be doing anything..." She mumbles out. She's getting weaker. I can tell by the look in her eyes and it scared me. It's not positive that she will die but it's about a 50/50 chance. It scares me to know I'm gonna lose someone so close and I can't stop crying.

I feel so bad for Phil. Some of his last moments with a girl he loved were spent yelling at each other mixed with tears and pain. This is the worst for me and him, considering we're the closest to her. I have high hope she won't die but when I look down the hallway

"Why?!" I hear Phil shout out as I hear a nurse begin to walk into our room. She looks distressed and sad and is holding a phone. She walks over to Kat and hands it to her.

"Hello?" She says. "Mom? Dad? I'm so sorry.... I love you too... I wish you could be here with me right now. I love you guys so much. I don't want to say goodbye... I'm so sorry mom. Tell everyone else I love them so much also. Ok.... Goodbye Mom. Goodbye Dad.... I love you too... Bye..." She clicks the end button and the nurse takes the phone.

"I'm so sorry dear.... but you don't have much time left...I'll step outside and let you kids be alone." The nurse says. My heart stops, this is it, this is the moment I have to say goodbye to my best friend. This is the end, this is goodbye. Kat sobs into Phil's chest but not as hard because she's getting weaker by the minute. I've only been here about an hour and it's time to say goodbye to someone... forever.

I never imagined anyone close to me dying... or at least not for a long time. I don't know what to say to her, I feel lost. Who is supposed to go shopping with me? Talk about boys with me? I'm about to lose someone who means the world to me.

Kat looks up at me from across the room and motions for me to come over to her. Austin releases his grip on me and I quickly walk over to Kat and kneel beside the bed.

"I'm so fucking sorry Kat. I never wanted any of this to happen and if I could go back I would have me be the one lying here. You had so much going for you and I fucked it all up. I'm so fucking sorry Kat. I love you so much. " I say in between sobs. Kat runs a hand through my hair.

"I'm so sorry too baby. I love you so much too.... I'm so sorry I was immature about the fight... I wish it never happened..." Phil whispers. Tears are still running down his cheeks.

"Hey. It's ok you guys. I will be happy as long as I get to die" She grabs my hand and Phil's hand "holding the hands of the ones I love most." She gives us a weak smile and my heart crumbles into a million pieces. I will never be able to live this down. I should just kill myself... I feel so terrible about everything I've done to everyone.

"Kat..." I mumble. The nurse walks over and places a hand on Kat's shoulder and nods, with a very depressed look on her face.

"No... no no no." Phil starts to mumble. He pulls Kat into one final kiss and squeezes her hand. I squeeze her hand as tight as I can as I hear her heart monitor slow down to less and less heartbeats.

"Hey. It's gonna be ok alright guys?" She manages to get out. She flashes us a weak smile, showing off her perfect teeth, the smile that always warmed my heart.

Her heart monitor slows down even more and her smile turns to worry. I can tell she's scared to die. I know she can't accept that she's dying, neither can any of us... but here we are, in a hospital, watching the life drain out of her body right before our eyes...

Kat looks at me, she's very pale except for her burns. Her burns still don't hide how beautiful she is, and how beautiful she always will be.I can hear Alan, Austin, and Tino sniffling behind us and my vision starts to blur but not from tears.

Kat's look on her face turns from a beautiful smile to worry as she begins to say her last words. Her heartbeat can barely be found now...

"I don't want to die... I love you guys." She says. 

I start to get tunnel vision and everything in the room is blurry, besides Kat's beautiful face that I'll never see again. I can't handle this.... I can't do this. I manage to shout something as I hear a flat line.

"NO!" I scream. I feel myself collapsing to the floor and my vision is completely dark now. Everything fades to black as I hear Phil screaming, the boys trying to get me up, and someone urgently bursting through the door.