My Understandings [ON HOLD/EDITING]

My Understandings: Part 21

-Alan's P.O.V.-

I wait a few seconds for the next song to start playing, hoping that it will help me get to sleep, but nothing plays. The playlist is over and I'm forced to sit here wide awake with only the silence. Fuck. Edith fell asleep about three hours ago and I just can't seem to do the same. I can't stop thinking about that day in 10th grade. How I almost lost her because some asshole who I warned her about cheated on her.

This is all way worse than what happened then, and I know she's stronger now but... I just want to keep her safe. I can tell she and Austin have a thing going on but don't want to tell me about it. Austin's nice and all but honestly if anything bad happened between them I don't know what Edith would do.

I'm not saying I don't want her to have a boyfriend, I mean if she's happy I'm happy. I just want her to be safe. I feel Edith snuggle closer to me and I rub her back. I like it like this, I know that she's safe here. When she's here with me I can be sure that nothing can hurt her, that she'll maybe be happy for once.

That's all I've ever wanted...

I can't take this anymore, if I can't sleep I might as well do what I always do when this happens. I move slowly, making sure not to wake up Edith and walk over to my bed to grab a blanket. I drop it over Edith and walk over to my window and open it. It's colder than I expected so I grab a sweatshirt and hop out onto my roof. I walk over to the corner and sit. I scoot down and sprawl out and look up at the stars.

"Why?" I ask out loud, almost inaudible, while closing my eyes. All I can hear is the sound of the wind blowing through the trees and I close my eyes. Honestly I would do anything for this to all be over. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just walked to the edge of my roof and jumped.

This is all so terrible and the fact that someone like Edith has to go through it is awful. So much has been going on and I know my mom and dad are worried about me. My dad seems to be distancing himself, I wouldn't blame him. I'm a screw up of a son anyways who fucks everything up. All I can do is play guitar. What am I good for? My mom even told me yesterday that she doesn't know who I am anymore. Funny, neither do I.

I open my eyes and all I see is stars, it's so dark out I can't even see the trees in my backyard. I put my hands in my pockets and feel my phone. I pull it out and sigh as I see my background picture as one from the night of my party. It was a picture of Kat, Tino, Edith and I all around the fire. I enter in my pass code and open up my messages.

The last person I texted was Phil, I was just telling him how we got Austin out of jail and that the cops knew it was Edith's dad. I scroll down to see Tino's name, we were talking about getting everyone back together for another party. I see Aaron's name and the conversation is tied around how much we want to help Edith. I scroll down to see Devon's name, the only text I ever sent her was telling her where Aaron was. I scroll and see Kat's name and I tap on our conversation and scroll up and up and up. I look and see one of the first few texts that I ever sent when I got this phone. The text is followed by a few phone calls that were made when I had cried the hardest in my life. I read the text over and over and hope to god I will never have to sent this again.

Come to the hospital now. Edith tried to kill herself. I can't be here alone.

All of these people are missing, and I'm here sitting on my roof being a pussy. Worthless. I wonder where they are and what happened to them. My heart starts beating faster as I get more consumed in worry.

What if they're getting beaten or hurt right now? What if Edith's dad decides to beat the living shit out of Aaron, Phil and Tino? What if the girls get locked up and get beaten till they can't take it anymore? What if .... he kills them?

I drop my phone and snap back into reality. My phone slides down the slanted surface of my roof and I scramble to get it before it slides down. I see it slip over the edge and hear a Thunk! Lucky for me it got stuck in the gutter. I crawl over to the edge of my roof and grab my phone out of the gutter.

"Nasty...:" I say as I wipe off all the gunk off my screen. I slide my phone back into my pocket and start crawling back up my roof, but I'm stopped by the sight of looking over the edge of my roof. I crawl closer to the edge and look over even more. If only... I think to myself as I turn around and climb back up to the corner.

I just wish I could leave without hurting anybody close to me. I don't do anything to help out with the current situation, without me everything would be the same, I make no difference. I just want everyone to be happy and good with their lives but I feel like I drag some of them down. I should just leave and never come back. Disappear from the existence of this shitty town and go somewhere else and ruin someone else's life.

I sit and and climb back into my room. I still can't sleep so I'm going to do something else. I grab my earbuds off my desk and plug them into my phone. I tip toe down my creaky stairs and slip out my front door without a sound. I hear towards Bear Park which is a few blocks down the street. I used to go there as a kid until creepy kids started to hang out there. Now it's a deserted wasteland covered in graffiti and littered with cigarette buds, smoked by 15-16 year olds.

I put my phone on shuffle, I don't give a shit what plays I just need background noise. I walk passed all the deserted houses near the park and finally see the big blue sign. "Be r P rk" The letters had been ripped off and many drawings had covered their old spots. I jog to the old look out towers base and begin to climb what I used to climb everyday as a kid. I get up to the top and lay on the floor of the tower and close my eyes.

I let out a deep breath and turn up my music even louder. I just need to get away for awhile, escape what I call "life". I can't help but think about my friends and where they could be. I look over to the restrooms at the park. They could be in there for all I know, or they could all just be out and no one knew. They could be perfectly fine and I wouldn't even know. I still have no idea how my mom found out about my friends, I guess the police called or something but it seems strange. I feel like someone else made the call.

I look over to the forest and look at the trees and rocks that surround this wasteland. It all looks peaceful until I see a shadow move. I groan, not this again. I quickly climb down from the lookout tower and start to speed walk towards my house. I take out my earbuds so I know if they're coming for me. I quick glance back and see that yes, the man is following me.

I just need to make it to my house and everything will be ok. I walk faster and almost feel like jogging a little bit. A quick glance lets me know that he's still following me and it appears he is now jogging. My house is about a few minutes away walking, but running I could make it there in one minute if I wanted to. I start to jog a little bit until I hear his footsteps increase and I do the same.

My heart starts to beat faster as I realize I'm going to have to sprint pretty soon and this is not turning out like I wanted it to. I hear the man breathing and his footsteps grow closer to I decide to go on a full out sprint. I feel myself almost flying to my house, pure fear pushing every step. I turn and see him gaining on me, if I fall I am screwed, dead.

I run as fast as I ever have and see my street sign in sight. The man is slowing down and his breathing gets heavier but I can tell he's still gaining on me. I run fast through my neighbors yards as I turn onto my street. I see my front door and a wave of relief washes over me. I quick grab the door handle, turn it and run inside my house trying to be as quiet as possible. I lock the doors behind me and run as quiet as I can up the stairs.

I let out a sigh and take off my sweatshirt and hang it on my doorknob. That was a close call. I put my headphones back on my desk and plug my phone into my charger. I think I can sleep now. I lay back on the floor and pull some of the blanket I gave to Edith over me. My heart calms down and my mind finally clears enough for me to fall asleep. Edith scoots closer to me and mumbles something to me that I can't hear. I nod and groan and continue to drift off into sleep.

[Authors Note]

Hey guys sorry this took me awhile to write. But I just wanted to say that you guys so go check out my friend Amanda's profile! She's an amazing writer and I started writing because of her

http://www.wattpad.com/user/colorfultearss

Helen :)

P.S. wattpad is being really dumb right now so sorry if things look weird