Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf: The Full Story

Chapter 1: How I Became A Cannibal

Hi, my name is Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf, but you can call me Actual Cannibal, Cannibal, Shia LaBeouf, or Shia for short. I got my name cus I'm a cannibal. I like to eat people, and, frankly (mmmmmmm frankforts...), I am hungry right now. Hold on, let me just go check at my bear trap. Oh Bullocks. Someone's nawwwwwwwed their leg off and got away, I can tell cus there's teeth marks on the leg that in my bear trap. It's about an hour old, so if I was out here even 45 minutes earlier.... Den I woulda had a full perso for dina 2night. Gosh darn. Mummy hates it when I swear, so I won't swear. She also hates it when I eat people too, but i cannot help.

Anyways, I only became a cannibal a day ago. I ate my first human a day ago, and now I just gotta constantly eat people. Today, all I've had is an arm from someone who's my friend. Now they wanna sue me for my arms, but then I'll just cannibally eat the lawyer and judge and whoever else is in a courts arms and then I'll eat her other arm. Her names armless, cause now she has no arms cus I ate them. Her name used to be armfull.

So dis is how I became a carnibal: I was wondron through da bush, until yestadai me name was Actual Wondron Shia LaBeouf, cus I used to wander a lot, and I came across dis weird room fing, den I went in. I stepped inside and der was dis lil girl who had short white hair and was dressed in a skin coloured leotard, that matched her skin colah. When I got in der, dis big cage fing just dropped down over da top of me and I was trapped inside de cage. My heart turned into elastics. I fought I wouldn't have any food for weeks, even do I was only in der for 10 minits by da time i was In der, so I tried to eat da lil girl cus I was a lil bit hungry. When I went into da bush I was actually tryina find food. So, i started chasing her round to try to eat her, but she just wouldn't let me eat her. Couple times I nearly got her, but not quite. She could slip in and out of da cage, but, even tho I could obviously could fit frew de cage like her, I wanted to make it seem like I couldn't. I was runnin all over da cage, and den I saw dis camera and it said "to upload it to YouTube", so I fought dat I had better turn dis off or uddah wise de whole wurld wood see me be a cannibal. So, once I turned off dat, which I today found dat dey did upload to YouTube and called it "Elastic Hearts" den I went and tricked her and slipped frew de cage and firstly ate her head cus den she would die quicker cus she would have no brain and so I was being noice.

Afta I ate her, den I was hungry for more humans. Cus dey taste nomnomnomnomnom. And now, I am a canibaalle.