Damn Ms Jimenez Is Finee (GXG)

30)

Tw: dark thoughts/self h@rm

Jasmine:

So many thoughts run into my head as I head out the classroom. Wondering what I did wrong for asking questions.

Wondering if it's my fault for asking questions. Or even her trying to say she didn't want to talk about it or if something I said had hit a nerve on her.

Even if I'm right or wrong or any of my guesses. why couldn't the conversation go smoothly and just heat up the situation quickly?

I couldn't even stay in the building where Ms Jimenez's class was so I ran out.

Running and running eyes tight from anger and the tears begging to come out. My mind wouldn't let it. The thoughts of don't let others see you cry they'll think you're weak.

Didn't let my tears come out knowing it's just a warrior cry. I just couldn't let it out.

I ran and ran till I found my spot which felt like forever trying to find it. Since it's at the back of the school I found it after maybe like five minutes. Which felt like forever since the school is pretty massive in my opinion.

When I made it to the spot I automatically sat down out of instinct. The routine of going to this spot, the similar feelings and emotions I shared with this spot.

This spot being there for me whenever I need to vent.

Many emotions hitting me at once. Anger, sadness, frustration, and embarrassment?
Why am I embarrassed? I have no idea, too many emotions colliding into me like a train where I can barely think correctly.

Meanwhile I'm sitting I try to catch my breath gasping in each breath. Hand on my chest trying to ground myself.

I keep trying to inhale and exhale but they come in heavy and short, but out just fine. In short how probably because I have tears running down my face.

I try to comfort myself. Telling myself I'm alone and the problem is done with. Before I get an anxiety attack.

I close my eyes and just inhale not bothering to observe my environment. I exhale slowly and just continue doing that till I calm down.

As I became grounded the anxiety died down. Just tears pouring down and the anger rising back again.

I started hitting, whatever was around me. Trash, trash cans, broken branches from the trees, and soo much more. I could throw or punch anything. Something I can just take my anger out on instead of people.

I began punching the trees because of my love for punching by just taking out my anger on the damn tree.

I rather hurt myself than other people. Or rather hurt items and things than people or even my family I won't be able to have that type of blame if I accidentally—

I can't think about that now- no- that's awful stop it.

I just continue punching the tree till i eventually feel the blood. Dripping from my knuckles and stinging even. Feeling satisfied that I didn't hurt anybody and rather cause pain for myself than others.

"Ahh fuck" I let out. From the pain shooting up from my knuckles.

I shook my knuckles from the pain to at least ease it. I inhaled and exhaled trying to calm myself down but the pain and the current feelings right now overpowering me.