An American At Hogwarts: Book Three

Chapter Eighty-Two

I took Cedric's hand without hesitation, nodding and leaning my shoulder into his as we turned and headed around the lake, perfectly in sync. Neither of us spoke as we put some distance between us and the party, a layer of discomfort hovering over this silence, too, although it wasn't quite so bad as we held each other's hands to ground each other.

We stopped under a tree by the water about a quarter of the way around the lake, giving us plenty of privacy to talk. We sat together under the shade of the branches, shoulder to shoulder, our hands still clasped together.

"You look happier and more at peace than you have since N.E.W.T.s started," Cedric said, turning to me with the warm smile I'd fallen in love with so long ago. "I'm glad to see it. I know we have a few things to talk about, but can I ask about whatever news caused this smile first?"

I bit my lip, hard. I wasn't sure Cedric was going to be a fan of the news once he heard what it was. But it's not like I could avoid telling him.

"...I decided to defer enrollment at MIT."

Cedric raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. "I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what that means in terms of muggle university."

I let out a long sigh. "Uh... it means I'm not going to start school there this fall. I'm going to start next year, instead."

"Oh. ...Why?"

I bit my tongue so hard, I knew I'd come close to drawing blood.

"So that I can stay here and help Harry and everyone else fight back against Voldemort. Especially now that the Ministry's finally got their heads out of their asses. And so I can help Jackson investigate some weird shit with his mom."

Cedric just stared at me for a few long moments, like in the Astronomy Tower the other night. But this time, I could see the shock fade quickly, morphing into a different kind of cloudy thoughtfulness as his gaze shifted to our hands still clasped in my lap.

His silence seemed to stretch on forever, but I knew it couldn't have been more than a minute. The sun shone down on us, making the waters of the lake sparkle, and birds were still chirping on the grounds around us. The shouted conversations and continuing celebration could be heard faintly in the distance, but nothing sounded louder than the breath Cedric took as he finally looked up and met my eyes again.

"I love you, Alexa," he said. "So much. You're..."

He stopped short, apparently choking on the words. He squeezed my hands a little tighter, although I wasn't sure he realized he was doing it.

"I will always love you," he continued. "But Alexa, I don't know if I can live with the constant fear of not knowing if you'll come back from the places you rush off to."

A faint ringing started in my ears as the words left his mouth. If I was being honest with myself, I'd known they were coming. But it felt a lot worse to have them actually out there in the world, verbalized, than it had before.

"You're the smartest person I've ever met, and one of the strongest," he said, squeezing my hands again. "You're the reason I'm alive to graduate, Alexa, and I know you can take care of yourself. But sometimes, no matter how good you are, it's not enough. And... I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life worrying about whether this time is the one time that someone manages to sneak something past you. Especially when-"

His voice broke, tears welling in both our eyes. He looked quickly away from me, and it was my turn to squeeze his hands as he took a few deep, steadying breaths. His eyes were still a little wet when he finally looked at me again, but he managed to continue with calmness that I was working hard to feel myself.