My Big Man Baby

Gawin

I could feel the warmth of my blood trickling down my arm, but everything else felt distant, almost numb. Thanat was standing there, the penknife trembling in his grip like he didn't know what to do with it. His eyes were wide, panic taking over his features as he looked down at me, at my bleeding wrist, and then back at the knife in his hand. I wasn't sure what was worse—the pain in my wrist or the look of utter shock in his eyes. I could see the guilt eating away at him, his expression crumpling with every passing second.

When Auntie and Ohm burst through the door, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of relief. They were here. I wasn't alone. Auntie was the first to move, her hands instinctively reaching for me, while Ohm just stood there, frozen in place for a heartbeat, before his eyes went to Thanat.

"What the hell is going on?" Ohm's voice was sharp, his worry quickly turning into concern as he took in the scene before him. "Gawin, are you okay?" His gaze darted from me to Thanat, who still hadn't moved, the knife still dangling from his limp fingers.

I tried to steady myself, but the pain in my wrist was unbearable. "I'm fine," I muttered, gritting my teeth. The bleeding was bad, but I could handle it. What I couldn't handle was the uncertainty hanging in the air. I needed to make sense of what had just happened.

Ma was the first to speak, her voice softer now, trying to calm the situation. "Thanat," she called gently, her hand reaching out to him. "What happened? Talk to me."

Thanat blinked rapidly, still in a daze, as if he couldn't comprehend what had just taken place. He shook his head slowly, almost like he was trying to wake up from a nightmare.

"I... I didn't mean to. I didn't want to..." His voice broke, and he dropped the knife to the floor with a clatter, falling to his knees beside me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I looked down at him, at his shaking hands, and despite the pain coursing through me, I could feel a wave of understanding sweep over me. This wasn't about me, not really. Something had pushed him to the edge, something deeper than just a momentary lapse of judgment.

"Thanat, it's okay," I said as best as I could, trying to ease the panic in his eyes. "You didn't hurt me. I'm fine."

But Ma wasn't as easily reassured. She gently placed her hand on my wrist to stop the bleeding, glancing back at Thanat with a hard expression. "You scared him, Thanat. You scared all of us."

Thanat flinched, his eyes brimming with unshed tears as he looked at her. "I didn't mean to..." he whispered again, his voice barely audible.

I couldn't help but feel a tightness in my chest as I watched him crumble before me. "It's okay," I repeated, more firmly this time. "We'll figure this out. Together."

Auntie's hands were steady as she worked to dress the wound on my wrist, the cool pressure of her fingers helping to ease some of the chaos in my head. Ohm stood nearby, watching intently, his expression a mixture of disbelief and concern. His focus kept shifting between me and Thanat, who was still sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, eyes wide and distant, like he wasn't fully present in the room.

Once Auntie had cleaned up the cut and wrapped it as best she could, she gave me a reassuring nod. "You'll be okay," she murmured softly, but I could feel the weight of her worry. Thanat's eyes never left me, and for a moment, neither of us spoke. The tension in the room was palpable—too many unspoken words, too many raw emotions swirling around us.

It was Thanat who finally broke the silence, his voice trembling. "I... I didn't want to do it," he whispered, barely audible. "But it was like I couldn't stop myself."

I shifted on the bed, trying to sit up a little straighter, my wrist throbbing. "Thanat... what are you talking about?" The confusion was evident in my voice, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear the truth.

His eyes shifted between me and Ma, and he swallowed hard before speaking again. "The knife... it wasn't for you, Gawin," he said, his voice cracking with the weight of what he was admitting. "It was for me."

Ma's expression faltered for a moment, and she turned her gaze to Ohm, who hadn't spoken yet, his brow furrowed in concern. He took a step closer to Thanat but didn't say anything, as if waiting for Thanat to continue.

Thanat's voice grew softer, his hands shaking as he wiped his face with the back of one of them. "I've been... struggling. Ever since I got that diagnosis, I've just felt... lost. Like nothing matters anymore. I thought it was just me being weak, but... I couldn't fight it. I wanted it to stop.  I was so close to just ending it. But then you... you stopped me." He glanced at me then, his eyes full of a mixture of gratitude and regret. "You stopped me just in time, Gawin."

A heavy silence filled the room. I could barely breathe as I processed his words. My mind spun with the realization—Thanat had been so far gone in his depression that he'd been ready to take his own life. And I'd been the one to stop him.

I couldn't find the words at first. All I could do was watch him, seeing the raw vulnerability on his face, the depth of the pain he had been carrying in silence.

"I didn't know," I finally whispered, my voice thick with emotion. "I didn't know you were feeling like that, Thanat. I had no idea."

He lowered his head, his shoulders shaking as if the weight of it all was finally too much to bear. "I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to burden anyone... but it's been eating me alive. I felt like I was losing everything. My friends, my family... myself."

Ma kneeled beside him, pulling him into her arms, her voice soft but firm as she spoke. "You're not alone, Thanat. We're here for you, every step of the way. We'll get through this together, okay?"

Thanat nodded against her chest, the tears he had been holding back finally falling freely. I watched them for a long moment, feeling a wave of helplessness wash over me. I didn't know how to fix this, how to make him feel better, but I knew one thing for certain: Thanat needed help, and we were all going to be there for him, regardless.