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Dear Jermaine,
That's what I wrote down first to my father.
I just- Why call someone dad who hasn't been a dad and hasn't been around?
He left when I was 14. And never seen him again.
I've been putting this off for months, not really sure what to say to him or how to come off. But now I was ready to face it, and write him back.
I received your letter, and it made me feel a multitude of ways. I'm not really sure how to put it into words. You say you love me but you left. So how is that equivalent to loving somebody? The abandonment issues I have because of your absence is huge, but I'm learning to not let my past dictate my future. I want a bright future. So I don't know if you'd be included in that at this point. I made peace without you around. I appreciate the apology though, but sometimes we need action behind the apology. However, I hope you've been okay all this time, and I hope you've been keeping your head up. Thanks for the condolences for my uncle Lari. My mother's doing okay, just taking things a day at a time. So everything's fine. Thanks for asking. I'll see you around one day, maybe.
-Janet
I sighed as I finished writing my letter back to my dad, hoping I don't sound too harsh.
I don't mean to come off harsh but it's like I don't know what he expects me to say or do at this point in time.
All I could do was be open and honest in this short letter, and I feel like I was. And very straight to the point.
Which is why I don't have much to say because I didn't word my way around nothing, I was just straight forward about how I felt.
I don't even know if I'll ever be open to having a relationship with my dad at this point.
I forgive him but I'll never forget what he's done. And that's what makes it hard.
I kinda feel like... What if he leaves again?
Then what?
I have kids involved this time. If he leaves again, and leaves my kids too? We gone have a problem. Don't give them the issues you gave me.
"You aight baby?" Trevante asked as he stepped out the shower, with a towel around his waist and he grabbed his lotion.
"Oh- Yeah. Just in my thoughts" I said.
"The kids sleep?" He asked me.
"Mhm." I said.
"What's wrong? Why you in your thoughts?" He asked.
"Nothing really it's just- I finally got around to writing my dad back and it's just making me think." I said.
"I understand.." He said as he started lotioning up.
"He wants a relationship now but I feel like, why should I want one just because he's ready to be a dad now? I'm grown. When I needed him, he wasn't there. You feel me? And now I got abandonment issues cause of him. If he comes back around then decides he wants to leave again, not only is he leaving just me this time around, it'll be Ivory and Jr too. And I'm not having that. I wanna protect my kids and myself." I said.
"Look, if you wanna talk to him again, I'm wit you. And if you don't, I'm wit you on that too. I support whatever decision you make. Because I trust that you know what's best for yourself." Trevante said as he started putting on his sweats.
"Thank you baby." I said. "I really appreciate it." I added.
"Of course. You just let me know what you need me to do as yo husband to make this a bit easier on you" Trevante said.
"Oh just keep loving me like you do baby, that's all I need" I said with a smile and he smiled too.
"Loving you is the easiest." He said, and I blushed.
"Have you told yo mama that he sent you a letter?" He asked.
"Yeah I did. She doesn't think I should write back but... For some reason I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. You know?" I said.
"Then you do what's best for Janet." Trevante said and I looked at him, nodding my head.
"I know." I said with a smile, and he leaned in giving me a kiss, before getting in bed with me.
"Now let's play some partynextdoor and make love" He said, and we both laughed.
"That actually does sound like a vibe" I said laughing.
"On me" Trevante said laughing too.
"Plus he just dropped that new album with Drake and I heard a couple of baby making songs on there okaaay" I said.
"Aight then go for what chu know then mamas" Trevante said, and I smiled before getting on top of him, leaning down. I kissed him, and he kissed me back immediately. We slowly began making out and I pulled away saying "Wait"
"What?" He said rubbing his hands all over me.
"We gotta play the music" I said and we both laughed.
"True, get the speaker" He said and I laughed hopping off of him, and I went to get the speaker and connect my phone to it.
-
The next day
I stepped outside in my little robe to go to the P.O. Box and mail off this letter to my dad.
I was actually very nervous about mailing this off. This will start off whatever type of relationship with my dad.
I put the stamp on the envelope, then dropped it in the box for the mailman to get when he comes here. I took a deep breath and walked back in the house, closing the door behind me.
I walked in the kitchen and grabbed the cereal box, pouring some captain crunch in a bowl for me to eat.
Everyone was still sleep, so I was just having this time to myself till they woke up.
As I was eating, Trevante walked into the kitchen, saying "Goodmorning my baby"
"Good morning" I said with a smile as he gave me a kiss.
"I want lucky charms" He said and I made a face.
"Eww. We don't have that. Only fruity pebbles and captain crunch" I said.
"Why you talking bout some eww? Lucky charms fire" He said.
"Tuh, lie again" I said and he laughed saying "Whatever" grabbing the captain crunch.
"I mailed the letter off" I said and he looked over at me and said "For real?"
"Mhm, just a few minutes ago" I said, he nodded his head and said "I'm proud of you baby"
"Thank you honey. We'll just see where it goes from here." I said.
