My eyes had deep circles etched under them. My skin had a gray tint to it, noticeable when you saw me in the sunlight. I was pretty sure I'd lost almost 10 pounds.
Overall, I felt pretty fucking horrible.
And the worst part, no one seemed to care but me.
I mean, I'd never mentioned my appearance to the boys or Margo, but did they even notice or were they just sparing my feelings?
Not even Michael said anything and I was around him the most.
Speaking of Michael, we went on our second date recently. It definitely wasn't as fancy as the last one (we ordered Chinese food and watched Harry Potter), but it was one of the best I'd ever been on.
It didn't end in sex, but it did end in a very heated makeout session on the couch. Luke walked in on us, of course, letting out a scream and shielding his eyes. Calum and him were still teasing us about it.
We didn't mind, though. It felt like our relationship and bond was growing stronger. We acted like a couple, yet we weren't. It was confusing.
Did I like him? Hell yes. But I didn't want to jump into another relationship after mine with Evan's ended not long ago.
We would have to date eventually. But the cutest part is Michael rarely used his bedroom anymore. We always slept in my bed, it was like a routine. I loved it.
Love was another issue. I didn't know if I was capable of loving someone after Evan.
I'm terrified I'll become like him. "The abused becomes the abuser," they say. I'm terrified, I don't want to be like him. I don't want to do the things he did, And I'm so scared I eventually will become like him, whatever I do to prevent it. It's inevitable, and I'm terrified.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt Michael in any way. I'd rather have him hurt me; It would save the pain and guilt.
Pardon if I'm rambling, which I probably am, but I just like him so much. I like him so so much, and I didn't know what to do about it. Do I act on it or do I wait for him to?
I was definitely a 6 year old, because I had a giant crush on Michael Clifford.
Wanting to know if he felt the same way would be difficult. Not to mention it would be way too obvious that I liked him. I would just deal with that problem when it comes up.
Now, done with my feelings and back to the present. My reflection stared back at me in the mirror, the image shifting the longer I looked. You could clearly see my hip bones, and my ribs protruding. Maybe it was good that I was the only one that noticed.
I absolutely hated looking this was. It was the same when I was with Evan after 2 years or so, when he would control what I ate because I was getting 'too fat' when I was only 115 pounds.
It was so hard to stop the eating disorder before it was too late, but I did, and now it was all coming back.
Michael wouldn't want to be with an anorexic girl, right? I mean, who would?
I sighed, pulling myself away from the mirror and exiting the bedroom bathroom.
My phone on the bedside table had almost been nonstop buzzing for 3 days straight, with texts (more like threats) from Evan.
More than once had I considered meeting up with him just to get him off my back, but something deep down warned me of even answering my phone.
Of course I wanted to block him, dear lord knows I would if I could, but I needed to know if he was going to text something risky. Something like "I'm coming over". He hadn't yet, but I was just waiting for the moment he would.
