FTRS One-Shots

The Thing About Anna

Dear Hal and Eva Cobbler,

After the tragic death of your daughter, we found many pieces of writing hidden in the drawer of her bedside table. This is one in particular I would like you to see.

Best regards,

Pete

Journal Entry #17 2/11/18

Look, I know a lot of people don't like me. I'm not stupid, it's kind of obvious. I knew it as an eleven year old, and I know it know. They stare and glare and whisper and to be honest, I kind of deserve it. One could argue that I was just a stupid child, which I tried to do at first, but I think I always knew deep inside that a stupid kid wouldn't try to end the world. And all of this for what? To run a shoe shop when I'm older? To get the praise that Gilly gets? There truly is no excuse for what I did. What I did to her.

I really did think I was doing the right thing. Honestly, I was confused at first when Gilly didn't join *him. I had figured that just because she had found one royal friend, didn't mean her whole perspective had changed. I thought she was still my Gilly. The same thief that got sent to reform school for stealing me a birthday gift. How foolish I was to believe that her thievery was the most horrifying thing a person could do.

My own actions horrify me. I hurt people. I hurt my brothers and sisters. I hurt everyone I loved. And the thing I find the most horrifying is that there's some things that I don't regret doing. Some terrible, evil things that I felt good about. My blackened heart had beaten with pride when I saw that look on Gilly's face as I rode away on the pan. I had liked it. And I can't bring myself to change that.

Alva really was right. I am evil as Gilly is good. We are opposites, although Gilly tries to act like I am not. And that brings me to another point: Gilly's foolishness. Specifically to continue to trust me when she knows in her beautiful heart that I am still the same Anna that handed over my brothers to be sacrificed. Jax, her prince friend, has every right to hate me. He, at least, knows bad when he sees it. Gilly is still stuck in her world where I am everything she believes me to be, where I am choosing good, when in reality, I've just chosen in between.

Dear reader, do you know what I mean by in between? I mean that I chose evil, and for the span of a week I truly chose good. But evil is, well, evil, and good gets tiring. So I choose to be neither, not kind nor rude, always striving for ok. I don't use my 100%. I try to be invisible, blend in with the crowd. Do you understand? You don't. That's normal, it just means you're good. And if you do understand, I feel terribly sorry for you, but not really because I couldn't care less.

And there is my opinion. I do not care about anyone but myself. I am selfish and self-centered and I had worked hard to reach there because if I ever, ever let myself care for anyone else, I know I'll just end up hurting them. And that would end up hurting me too, which isn't a particularly nice feeling. I'm not fond of hurting myself. I would let the world burn so long as the flames never reached me.

My parents hate me as well. I can feel it in the unwelcome stares they send my way when they think I'm not looking. They are disgusted to call me their daughter. Even if my mother were to still have an ounce of love left for me, my father certainly does not. He hates anything less than Gilly nowadays. Han, Hamish, Felix, and Trixie now have a high bar set for accomplishments as they grow older. I reckon they'll be disappointments to our father if they don't save the world by the age of 14.

And so I sit at this bakery, watching common people go in and out, and wonder what it would be like to be them. Without a care in the world, laughing with friends and family, feeling happy. I live in the isolated prison of my mind, where a horror movie runs of all the terrible things I've done in my life. And as that movie runs, the people sitting and watching throw tomatoes at the main character, me, and boo when I show up. They hate me, just as they do in real life. Just as I wish Gilly would do because I hate myself for what I did to her.

I enjoyed seeing her pain at times, but I'm starting to realize that the joy I felt is slowly melting away to reveal fiery guilt, always growing bigger. Each ounce of happiness I felt slowly dripping into the chasm until the ice burg is gone and regret is all that's left.

I've tried everything to make myself feel better about it. I've told myself that Gilly deserved it. Some part of me believes it, too. After all, she was the one who left our family in poverty, living her best life at that terrible reform school. She is the selfish one. She is the problem, not me. If only everyone else believed that.

So yes, my actions horrify me, but I don't regret them right now. Maybe later in life I'll grieve all that I lost in my stupidity, but as of now, I'll live my in-between life and live a better life in my dreams at night.

Gillian is the hero in the family after all.

a/n: I've never proofread a single story, and I'm not starting now