Complexity

I Don't Mind

"I'm Xinyu, nice to meet you?"

Just kill me.

Because I could already guess what my homeroom teacher was going to say next.

"You can sit over there."

Of course.
Next to me.

Even with my forehead pressed hard against the table, I could still hear the soft, graceful steps of someone approaching the seat beside me—the seat that had been empty for who knows how long.

"What's wrong with her?"

I can hear you.

"Hi? I'm Xinyu. I hope we can be friends."

The pattern is the same. Always.

The same lines. The same voice. The same energy.

You must be the same as them.

"You must be the same as them."
I muttered the words under my breath. So soft I wasn't even sure she heard me.

Do I need to explain this feeling?

Of course.

I stood up abruptly, my heart suddenly racing in a way that didn't feel like anxiety. It felt like fear wrapped in anger.

"I won't be your friend."

I hadn't planned to walk away after saying that. I didn't want to be dramatic. But a sudden wave of nausea hit me like a truck—unexpected and heavy.

Was this... disgust? Rage? Or just a panic attack coming out of nowhere?

I couldn't tell. I just wanted to disappear.

I ended up in the infirmary, again.

"What's wrong with you this time? I don't see any wounds," the nurse asked, her tone casual, familiar.

We were... friends, kind of. You become friends with someone you see almost every week, even if it's because you're emotionally falling apart.

"Nausea. That's all."

"Have you eaten?"

I gave a chuckle and pulled the blanket up to my neck. 

"Of course not."

That part wasn't even a lie.

"That's the reason, idiot. Lucky for you, I bought this bread before school. Eat it. I was gonna have it for lunch but you need it more. Don't feel bad. After the lunch bell, go eat properly. Understand?"

I nodded silently. She closed the curtain gently.

Thinking back...

This was the first time someone's introduction made me feel sick.

Not physically sick, but... sick in my chest.

Was this my anxiety creeping back?

Was it her?

Was it because she reminded me of her—the perfect one from the past who turned out to be a monster?

I didn't know.

All I knew was that five minutes before lunch, I couldn't handle staying there anymore. So I slipped out to the canteen early, hoping no one would question me.

They didn't.

The staff just smiled and let me eat. Maybe they knew me well enough by now.

"Well, at least this time it's calm. Hopefully it'll stay calm forever."