Complexity

Safe zone?

Ever since that sentence from Xinyu, I kind of understand that I should not put all of my effort into people who never cared about anything I already did. I mean, look at me—being their errand girl, their silent shadow, the one who cleaned up their messes and obeyed everything they barked at me, and yet what do I get? A shattered guitar and a shattered soul, that's what, and no one seems to care, not even the teachers, not the world, no justice, just silence. But Xinyu, she's different, she explained things no one ever dared to say out loud,

"please don't do everything they ask, this is your life, do what you want, whatever they threaten you with—don't be afraid, if you are... find or call me," and she gave me her number and her address like it's that simple, like calling her is the easiest choice, but how can I? How can I show up at her door all beaten up and bruised, exposing how pathetic I truly am beneath all the cold glares and sharp tongue I use to push her away, to push everyone away?

"It's really Park Sohyun," a voice snapped me from my thoughts and I had to squint a little before realizing who it was, oh right, Seoyeon.

I should at least remember my classmates even if I don't talk to them, but it's hard, when your whole life is a string of dodging landmines and surviving storms, you forget the flowers.

"Seoyeon," I murmured apologetically, hoping she won't take offense to my memory gap, and then she looked down at my notebook, her voice curious and strange.

"what are you doing? Making theirs or yours?" and the way she said it made me stiffen because how much does she know? How much have they talked about me behind my back?

I answered quickly. 

"this is mine," and she chuckled, soft but meaningful, as she handed me a drink, a drink I recognize because it's Xinyu's favorite. the one she always sips on while humming nonsense songs beside me, the one she always brags about like it's some divine nectar.

"that's great, you really should not make theirs. To be honest, all of us want to help you, but we understand your trauma so we give you space and time, but Xinyu, she doesn't know anything, so let's not be harsh to her," and those words pierced me right through my chest.

Because she's right, they all knew and they stepped back out of care, while Xinyu barged in with nothing but her loud mouth and blind sincerity, and I punished her for it—why?

So I did something insane—I called her, not thinking twice.

one ring

I was already panicking.

two rings

my fingers were trembling.

three rings

I wanted to disappear

"Hello?"

and I hung up immediately. breath catching in my throat. heart pounding in terror.

Thank God it was her number she gave me, not the other way around, or she'd know it was me and I'd never hear the end of it, she'd probably tease me for a whole semester.

But I don't know, maybe I wanted her to know, maybe a part of me wanted to hear her voice just once, like a lifeline in the middle of my sinking world, but either way.

after that call—even though she didn't know—I somehow slept easier that night, ignored the assignments they threw at me, ignored the insults, the slurs, the petty manipulations, I didn't care.

I walked home in silence only to be greeted with a bottle thrown at the door, and I didn't even flinch, just stared at the shattered glass on the floor and picked them up like they were nothing but dead leaves. my hands numb to the pain, and the voice behind me slurred its venom again.

"where were you this whole time,"

I muttered.

"study," without looking up, already knowing what she would say next, already knowing the madness that soaked every word.

"study? You'll never be anything, this world is harsh, even if you're a genius, you'll still be nothing, you better work and give us some money,"

And I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout that I will study, I will get a great job, I will escape this hellhole, but I bit my tongue. Because I knew if I said anything, that bottle would not land at the door next time—it'd land on my face.

I walked past her, holding my breath, hoping she'd pass out soon, and then her voice again, slurred and slow.

"you know... you could sell your body... you'd get much money by it," and just like that, I froze, every cell in my body recoiling, nausea rushing over me like a wave of sickness, bile in my throat and tears in my eyes, because that one sentence was enough to drag every nightmare, every memory, every moment I've buried so deep that I forgot they even existed.

I ran to my room, slammed the door, locked it, curled up in a ball, and just let myself tremble like a scared child. I didn't want to speak, didn't want to breathe, didn't want to remember.

and yet my mind chose now of all times to bring Xinyu back, her smile, her weird jokes, her worried eyes in the warehouse, her voice saying "call me" like it's no big deal, why is she in my head now? Why does she feel like safety?

I didn't want to stay here anymore, I cleaned up, threw on my PE uniform, packed my bag with just enough to not raise suspicion, and waited. waited until midnight when the house fell into drunken silence, and I slipped out through the back like I've done a thousand times before.

But this time, I didn't go to the store or a park bench. this time I went to school, straight to my classroom.

because that space, that four-walled silent room, felt safer than any other place in this world, no keys, no teachers, but I knew how to get in through a back maintenance hall and a shortcut I discovered by accident—my secret, my escape, my only shelter, and I laid down on two chairs pulled together and wrapped my jacket like a blanket and fell asleep. uncomfortable but untouched.

waking only when my alarm buzzed and I quickly changed from PE to uniform, hiding all signs of my night-out, and as I tried to sleep a little more before school started, I heard the door open and a familiar voice whispered.

"it's... half past six... Sohyun, I'll do my class duty, sorry if I disturb you," and it was her.

Xinyu.

I didn't move. I didn't answer. I just listened to her steps, light and cautious, as if she didn't want to wake me. And in that moment, despite everything, despite all the walls I've built, I felt safe again.

Thanks for coming, Xinyu.