Living London (An AmazingPhil and Danisnotonfire fanfiction)

Chapter 13: Distorted

*Rachel POV*

There was a hollowness in my stomach, and an emptiness throughout my whole being. I stared forward at the clock on the oven in the kitchen, but I didn't see anything. I was in my thoughts.

It was certain that in just a week's time I had lost everyone close to me. Maybe I had been to harsh on Abby. I meant all of it, of course, but I was irritated. Nothing ever comes out right when you're irritated.

But still, I was alone. It was the worst feeling.

London was my home and would always be. Even if the roads were confusing and the street was loud, I was meant to be here, Dan or Phil or not, London was were I was supposed to be. But now the image of London was distorted into a dirty place of unhappiness. Even if it was just all in my head, I knew I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. But this was the best I got. And it was miserable.

I stood for about another half an hour in complete silence, staring ahead, and trying to think of everything I could've done better as if it mattered anyway.

Dan hates you. Abby sees you as bad as your mother used to be. You're just like her. You let the experiences of your past corrupt you. You became who you didn't want to be. You haven't changed.

Something in myself died.

I went straight to the bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were cold, my face expressionless. I wasn't recognizable. The person in the mirror wasn't me. I have it all together now. I'm doing things well. I've gotten so far.

But nothing really changed, did it? You're still a failure. You still are horrible to people who care. Everyone still leaves. You are still alone. Nobody wants you here.

I grabbed my old-fashioned razor from the counter and unscrewed the blade from its interior. No one would notice a blade that was replaced.

I held it between my fingertips. I felt the marks on my thighs return momentarily in memory.

I had a fateful decision to make.

Am I better than that or do I want to feel?

...

*Abby POV*

I marched down the stairs furiously as I went. I didn't care where I was going to go.

I ripped open the door to the outside of London. The immediate smell of cigarettes filled my lungs. The sound of cars rushed from one ear to the other. The sun was low in the sky.

The closest place was a pub I often went to with Rachel. I didn't care. I needed a drink. So I went.

...

"How strong of drinks do you have?" I asked the guy behind the counter.

He smirked at me, "What?"

I crossed my arms in front of me. "You heard what I said."

"Alright, lady. Mind Vodka at all in drinks?"

"Not at all," I replied readily.

"Not the best day?" He poured something into my cup, and then swished it around. I watched as the drink mixed together.

"You have no idea."

He handed me the drink.

"Thanks," I said.

He nodded sympathetically.

I found the closest table I could. I didn't care about how many seats were there or if it was reserved.