Living London (An AmazingPhil and Danisnotonfire fanfiction)

Chapter 37: Too Close

*Rachel POV*

The only flights available were to take off early in the morning. I felt myself developing a grudge for Abby's mom for scheduling the memorial service at such short notice. Ticket prices were high when you bought them close to the flight. But, in a better light, we could have not gotten tickets at all. But who was traveling in February, anyway?

I shuffled through the dark London streets at night. Everything seemed dead with the darkness and all. Except London was never dead. There were always cars going by, and sirens springing up from all over the place. Maybe it was that I never could see these things but only hear them pass. Maybe it was that walking in the dark I would fear that the shuffling of leaves was actually what would lead to me being dead. That one of the sirens would be coming for me. After all, I never thought sirens would end up at my door, but they did. I never thought Abby would be murdered, but she was. So what were the chances of me being murdered? Probably pretty high. I shivered because it was cold out, not because of that thought. I was afraid, but I wasn't. I was more accepting it at this point, feeling not too much about it. Not the normal thoughts to have while walking, I suppose.

I knocked on Dan and Phil's door. A shiver spread through my body. I suddenly remembered all the other times I had done so before. The door across the hall was no longer mine. It looked the same as it had, but it wasn't mine. And I wasn't knocking on their door to see them, or to run to Dan in emotional distress. My quarrel was now with him. Both of them. And I wasn't here because I was losing Dan. I was here because I lost Abby, Dan, Phil - all of my friends. And now the remaining of these lost friends would be trapped with me on an airplane for ten, god forbid eleven, hours.

Phil came to the door this time, which was expected. Dan was aware I would be coming this time and didn't want to make the mistake of an awkward introduction again. I didn't blame him.

"Are you ready?" I asked him, feeling tired in more ways than one, but trying to sound like we were going on some sort of adventure with a happy ending. I didn't know who I was fooling.

"I am," he responded appropriately.

"And Dan, is he still coming?" I looked behind him. The light from the flat was too bright on my eyes.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Dan said rather snootily. I couldn't see him until he walked toward the door where I could see him in the lower light of outside.

"I didn't mean that," I said sharply in defense.

They both returned inside to grab their bags.

...

The Tube was never too full at this time, thank heaven. I wasn't looking forward to be squished up next to people whom I had the most uncomfortable situation with. Like, hello I know I've ruined everything and practically killed my best friend! Hope you don't mind that I'm forced to put my ass on your leg!

It was a long ride, though. I learned when I first entered London that Heathrow isn't exactly in London, but it's certainly considered London even though it's not. It was about an hour ride from underground to seeing the outside air briefly, to going underground again.

Dan stared out the window, even though there was nothing to see but dark walls.

Phil sat across from me, next to Dan. He tried making polite conversation, "Have you ever seen those tracker maps that they have in airplanes? They show you which country you're over while you're flying!"

"Yes, I like them a lot. But sometimes they're torture to look at. Like 'Hey we haven't moved barely at all!' Sometimes it's nicer to be disillusioned that you've moved more than you have. And being over the Atlantic is incredibly boring."

Phil smiled, "I like closing my eyes for while and opening them to see I'm much farther than I was before. I can never sleep, though."

"I can when I'm incredibly sleep deprived. Otherwise, I really can't. But I thought you were a heavy sleeper?"

"Once I am not being thrashed around," Phil said.

I smiled at that and even laughed a little. How true.

I was good at polite conversation. But after a while I started looking out the window. Things felt awkward. I wondered if things would ever stop feeling sad and awkward.

I thought about Abby a little bit. I was really tired. I was dissolving in my thoughts more than anything. I wondered if Dan was doing the same. I didn't cry. I just thought about all that happened. I still couldn't stop wondering what I could have done to save her. If anything, I wish he could've killed me, not her. How could I live with myself knowing that I could've taken her place?

I must have looked distressed, because when I turned my attention away from the window, I found Dan and Phil looking at me with the same concerned look.

Leave it, I thought to myself. But I couldn't say anything out loud. I turned to the window hoping they would stop. When I turned around, it seemed my wish was granted.

...

We made it through the jungles of Heathrow's international security. Everyone was very polite. The man stamping Dan and Phil's passports was very witty. He joked that they were becoming "yanks". When he saw my passport, he gave me a pretend stink-eye, and mumbled "they are turning them to the other side". We all had a good laugh, but Dan and I were more tired than anything, so we sounded insincere. I felt bad about it, because it was genuinely funny. And what a guy to try to brighten our morning. I didn't deserve it if I couldn't even return the favor in laughs.

It was going to be a long wait for boarding. Dan left to get breakfast for Phil and himself. He asked me cautiously if I wanted anything. When I said no, he nodded and left.

"Phil, I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry if I'm making things uncomfortable by trying to console with you about Dan, but I feel that I must. I feel like everything is falling down."

He gave me a sympathetic look and begged that I don't apologize, "Tell me anything that will help, and I will do the same for you."

"It's that I have nothing left. I have school. I have a future. But I have no one. I'm lonely. No friends, no family. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I sincerely feel like I'm going to be forever alone."

"You won't be alone. Life moves on," he said.

"I'm tired of life moving on and me screwing everything up in its path. Everything's my fault. Everything."

"What's your fault?" He asked me.

My stomach pinched in on itself. I knew exactly what was my fault. I lost all of my friends. I could have taken Abby's place. I could have not fallen out with Dan. I could have been a better friend to Phil. But I knew it was absurd. Abby resisted my help, Dan was an ass when I lost my friend, and Phil was kind as ever, so there was never a problem with him. So why was I still holding on? Why did I still think it was my fault? It wouldn't let go. I wouldn't let go. I didn't even know what to think because of it. Was I holding on to something? Or was I being realistic? I didn't know. The more I tried to figure it out, the more I confused myself.

After not answering, Phil dropped it, and Dan returned with breakfast.

While they ate, I was still thinking. But I was thinking about something else. Why had Dan even come here? Why did he even want to come? He hated Abby, he was resentful of me. He could do without Phil for a few days. Maybe he was trying to make sure I didn't pull Phil to my "side".

I noticed myself accidentally watching him as he ate. He looked up from his meal. His eyes said something different. I didn't understand what I could see, but it was different.