I'll Be Your Light In The Darkness [brustoff]

Chapter Nineteen

*Warning there is smut in this chapter I wasn't on planning to but I've only just decided this now XD. There is also a trigger warning too*

Ben POV

We had finished with the doctors but I still felt like she didn't really help. We headed back to the apartment with the others.

"Hey how did it go?" Asked Cameron as we entered the apartment.
"The doctor said he's lost a little weight but not a lot" responded Denis quietly.
"Why don't we order something your choice Ben" said James. They all turned to look at me with agreement.

I felt a little under pressure but I understand that there only trying to make me more comfortable with the situation. But to be honest I felt uncomfortable, I constantly felt eyes on me like last time.

"Um...we could order pizza" I suggested. They all looked at me with agreement before opening the leaflet for dominos before ordering the pizza.

When the pizza arrived we all sat down in the living room and decided to watch a film. I felt nervous I mean yeah I wanted to eat the pizza but I knew if I ate it I would feel guilt and disgust.

As I felt eyes on me I turned to look to see Denis his brown eyes wide with sympathy. "Please Ben..just one piece that's all I ask" he whispered softly.

Especially looking at Denis' puppy eyes I didn't want to disappoint him. I feared that he would leave me even though I don't deserve him.

Slowly with shaky hands a grabbed a piece of pizza slowly taking a bite. I wanted to get this over and done with so quickly I ate the piece. I turned to look at Denis.

He gave me a soft smile before rubbing my thigh "I'm proud of you" he whispered before leaning in the kiss my cheek. 

Hours had gone by and I felt guilt and disgust for eating the pizza.

"I-I'm going to the bathroom" I muttered before walking out the living room. Heading to the bedroom I walked into the separate bathroom linked to my room.

I felt torn one part of me was saying
'Do it! Vomit it back up do you want to get fat?'
Whereas the other part of me was telling me
'No don't do it! Do you want to disappoint Denis?'

I felt torn and didn't know what to do I suddenly felt overwhelmed and sat down in the bathtub fully clothed before turning on the shower.

"STOP STOP LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to suffer alone" I sobbed curling up into a ball head buried in between my knees as I began to cry.

I heard someone walk into the bathroom shutting the door behind them before kneeling down in front of me. "Hey it's ok" whispered Denis wrapping his arms around me.

"Shhhh" he hushed before kissing the top of my head.
"I can't do this Denis I'm so close to throwing everything up in the toilet" I sobbed clutching onto him.

He let go of me before grabbing the mirror off the wall. Just like Danny did when he found out I self harmed.
"Look in the mirror! Describe yourself" he said placing the mirror in front of me.

I looked up in the mirror to see myself and I hated it. "Ugly, disgusting, fat, weak, helpless, broken" I listed spitting it off the end of my tongue.

"Do you wanna know what I see?" He asked.
"I see someone at a healthy weight and strong"
"How?" I asked as I continued to look at myself in the mirror.
"Why? I see you as strong because you went through this once and you got through it. Yes you're going through a relapse..but you strongly admitted to me that you have a problem that's why I see you strong...and crying doesn't make you weak it just means you have bottled up your emotions for too long" he explained to me. It kind of made me warm inside but it didn't feel enough.

"Do you wanna know what else I see? I see a man so fucking attractive! You are lying to yourself and want to know why? If you are so ugly then why do I feel so attracted to you every single day...and if you were so ugly why would Danny want you back? Everyone thinks you're good looking and I couldn't be luckier to have anyone else Ben" he explained to me. It kind of made me feel better but it wasn't enough because of the pain I was feeling.

"You don't understand" I muttered standing up in the shower drawing the curtain forward so Denis was no longer looking at me.

I watched as Denis stepped into the shower fully clothed now soaking wet. His adorable brown eyes looking into mine. "Then talk to me!" he said never taking his eyes off mine.

"It's just hard I hate myself" I muttered
"When I was in that horrible abusive relationship with Dusty I hated myself too I thought I was disgusting and weak....but like you I got back up and look at me now I'm the front man of one of my favourite bands and I'm in a relationship with the most fucking amazing guy I've ever met! That's what I've learned in life it's not always going to be bad but you need to pick the pieces up before you fix the puzzle" explained Denis.

"It hurts me seeing you like this! And I can't watch you suffer so let the band help you...let me help you!" He continued.

He was right...he was right I need to pick up the broken peaces before I got to the bad state I was last year.
"You're right I'm sorry Denis" I apologised.
"It's ok" he said wrapping his arms around me pulling me into a hug.

As we broke from the kiss we looked into each others eyes. I don't know if it was a spur of the moment or something but I wanted him...

I leaned forward crashing my lips onto his. He clutched onto my hair as I deepened the kiss.

Quickly we removed each article of our clothing before I pushed him up against the shower wall. We paused for a minute looking at each other.

"What?" I asked.
His soft brown eyes looked up at me before he gave a soft smile. "You're really beautiful and you're not fat" he said before leaning forward kissing my neck.

I clutched onto him as he bit a soft spot on my neck causing me to moan. He kind of made me feel better. I still didn't really believe what he was saying because I didn't see it, but I didn't really care at the moment I just wanted him.

Once he let go I pushed him further up the wall so I could grab onto his legs before pressing against his entrance.

As I began thrusting into him moans echoed through the bathroom but hopefully the running shower blocked it out. So no one else could hear.

"Ben" he moaned clutching onto me as I nuzzled my face into the side of his neck sucking on a sweet spot behind his ear. I thrusted harder as I could feel myself getting closer and closer. Denis' loud moans echoed through the room as he climaxed me following after.

I closed my eyes resting my head against his as I felt myself begin to calm down. Leaning forward I pressed my lips against his before pulling out of him.

"I love you Ben you know that right?" He muttered.
I nodded my head before I slowly brought us town to the bottom of the tub to sit.

I needed to start accepting myself. Part of me believed that Denis was telling the truth that I'm not ugly or fat. But part of me was saying that it's a lie and that he only feels sorry for me. I need to accept the fact that Denis is telling the truth because one day this could kill me. If I were to die I don't know how he, the band or the fans would cope.

I love Denis too much to let him go.