Kissing the Agony (Agony Series #1)

Chapter 19: Runaway Again

Dumiretso ako sa hotel. Saktong alas cinco y media nang makarating ako, bago pa lang sisilay ang araw.

I opened the door slowly, afraid that I might wake my friend up. I sighed when I realized that no one was there.

Hindi ko chineck ang cellphone ko simula noong umalis ako sa Samal kagabi, ngayon ko lang nakita 'yon at nabasa ko agad ang mensahe ng kaibigan ko sa akin. Hindi pala siya umuwi dahil may booking daw siya kagabi. Hindi na ako nag-reply dahil iiwanan ko naman siya ng note.

I fixed my things in an instant and grabbed my suitcase. Nag withdraw na ako kanina sa bayan. Kulang pa 'yon dahil hindi pwede na isahang withdraw lang ang amount na naibayad sa akin ni Cyrus. Magpapadala na lang ako kay Dorothy sa mga susunod na araw para siya na ang magbigay kay Cyrus noong natitirang pera na nasa akin.

Iniwan ko ang halaga ng nawithdraw ko at nag-iwan na rin ng note para sa kaibigan ko. Sinabi ko na rin na kakausapin at kokontakin ko siya agad, kapag nakapag-settle na ako sa panibagong lugar. I made sure that my note is not something to be worried about. I kept my tone happy and worry-free.

I just said that I realized I wanted to go on a trip... a solo trip where I can think. That I will contact her anytime because I still have to ask her something to do for me, and that is to give Cyrus' money to him.

I sighed and realized what I did to him. He must feel like I only used him. All I wanted was pleasure from him and his money. That wasn't true, the reason why I have been very vocal about giving him the refund of what he has paid me.

I realized that what I did must have hurt him if he really liked me... based on what he has been claiming.

I left him there on his bed, after a heated night and a day filled with happiness, our laughter, kisses... our intimacy.

I didn't look back.

But I knew he would search.

I could almost imagine the crease between his brows when he wakes up and finds the room empty. The way he would scan every corner as if I was just hiding behind a door.
I could almost hear his voice calling out my name... confused, maybe even angry.

But I couldn't stay. I had to choose myself this time. I had to think properly and decide for myself what I had to do... what I really want to do in my life.

Weeks ago, I never thought I would actually consider switching to another job because being a sex worker is fine with me. It was actual work for me. Maybe to some, it was disgusting, immoral, and unjustifiable, but not to me.

It made me survive when I had nothing. It provided me with the things I never thought I would have in my life, and those are not just the designer things, the gadgets I have, the stuff money can buy for me, it also provided me shelter and food, the ones that I really needed from the very start.

But now... after realizing how I feel about Cyrus, though it is still slightly unclear to me because I have no one else to compare my feelings with for him, and how I am so uncomfortable with how Gaspar could trace me, could book me for my services, things have to... change.

Some people dream in gold and glitter. I dream in chalk dust and blackboards.

Even before everything, before Gaspar, before the shame, I always wanted to teach.
Maybe because it felt like the only place I could rewrite stories without getting hurt. A classroom where the past had no place, where my voice could be heard without shaking.

I have always wanted to teach kids, because I never really enjoyed those years I went to school. I have always been bullied by my classmates and schoolmates. And most of the time, if not, every time, the teachers would only smirk, shake their heads at my situation, some even laugh at me. No one dared to step up for me. No one dared to save me. They all ignored every horrible thing I went through.

Once I become a teacher, I will make sure that my classroom will be filled with happiness and laughter, genuine learning, and students helping one another. I will make sure that bullying will not be tolerated, and I will do everything in my power to prevent horrible things from happening to each of my students.

I will make sure that no children will be left behind... because I have been in that situation, and I won't wish that on anyone.

And so I left, carrying that dream in a suitcase full of crumpled clothes and broken versions of myself.

I realized that there are ghosts I still breathe with every night. Gaspar was one of them.
I don't remember exactly the time when he touched me, not clearly. Those horrible memories don't come in full colors... it's smudged, out of focus, but the pain sharpens every time I blink.

The panic attacks don't knock. They crash. They burn. They choke me while I'm brushing my teeth, while I'm trying to laugh at a joke, while I'm trying to sleep in peace.

I left the hotel abruptly when I got all my things and I left Cyrus' money alongside my note for Dorothy. I turned my phone off, because for sure, they will try to reach out to me, and I don't want that. Especially for Cyrus.

I will contact Dorothy on my own, once I get a new number for myself. I booked a flight earlier and I cried the whole time I was on the plane. I didn't have enough rest, because I have been traveling since last night. Not that I was feeling any exhaustion though. I just feel empty from my emotions and my memories that came without warning.

Pagkalapag ng huling gamit sa bag, tumayo ako sa tapat ng salamin at tiningnan ang sarili ko.

Namumugto pa rin ang mga mata ko kahit ilang beses ko nang pinunasan. I tried to smile, pero halatang pilit.

"Okay lang 'to," bulong ko sa sarili ko. "Magsisimula ulit."

Sumakay ako ng taxi, kagagaling lang sa airport, patungo sa lugar kung saan ako lilipat.

Tahimik lang ang biyahe, pero ang utak ko, gulo-gulo. Paulit-ulit ang mga tanong.

Nasan na kaya si Cyrus ngayon? Nagising na ba siya? Nag-aalala na ba siya? O baka galit na galit?

Hindi ko alam. At ayoko munang alamin. Pumikit ako ng mariin at suminghap.

Pagdating ko sa Siquijor, sakto namang palubog na ang araw. Ang kulay kahel na langit ay tila ba yumayakap sa buong isla. Tahimik ang paligid, walang busina, walang ingay ng siyudad. Puro tunog ng hangin, dahon, at malalayong hampas ng alon.

Dumiretso ako sa bahay na pansamantala kong uupahan. Malayo ito sa kabihasnan, nasa isang tahimik na kanto sa paanan ng burol, malapit sa tabing-dagat. Maliit lang siya, gawa sa kahoy at may cream na pintura, pero ang pinakaunang napansin ko ay ang hardin sa unahan.

Punong-puno ng buhay ang mga halamang nakikipag-agawan sa espasyo, pero hindi magulo. Parang kaluluwa kong sinubukang magpatuloy kahit nagkakandarapa. May mga bougainvillea na gumagapang sa bakod, gumamela, santan, ilang wild sunflowers na tila sumusunod sa araw. May maliliit na paso ng herbs na amoy mint, rosemary, at basil.

Dahan-dahan akong pumasok sa loob. Amoy sahig na kahoy, amoy bagong umpisa.

Walang masyadong gamit, isang kama, isang lamesa, isang bentilador, at kaunting kurtina na sumasayaw sa ihip ng hangin. Pero sapat na ito. Tahimik. Maluwag. Walang humahabol.

Umupo ako sa harap ng bahay, sa maliit na bench na nakaharap sa hardin. Tinanggal ko ang sapatos ko at pinikit ang mga mata ko. Malalim ang buntong-hininga.

Wala si Gaspar. Wala ang trabaho ko. Wala si Cyrus. Wala ang kahapon. Wala ang sakit.

Ako lang. Ako at ang katahimikan ng lugar na 'to.