Kissing the Agony (Agony Series #1)

Chapter 21: Broken but Breathing

They say healing isn't linear, but no one tells you how much it aches when you finally want something better.

I couldn't remember everything that happened to me—not clearly, at least. Maybe because I've always tried to forget. But there were fragments. Always fragments. A skirt being pulled up. A voice calling my name. That disgusting smirk. Pieces of memories I never asked for, but couldn't fully escape.

My work made me numb. Or at least, I thought it did.

So why did it affect me so much when that bastard tried to book me?

Was it because I was still hurting? Was I still afraid of him, of being harassed again, of being violated? I didn't know the exact reason. All I knew was that I used to think I was doing fine. I thought I had already moved on from my past.

But it only took one trigger for everything to come rushing back, like cold water poured over my body, jerking me out of a dream I didn't know I was having. I suddenly woke up from the life I thought I had already rebuilt. Turns out, I hadn't. Not yet.

The memories hit me all at once that night. The memory of no one believing me when I said I'd been touched inappropriately, just because I was the daughter of a woman who sold her body. The memory of no one seeing my pain. The memory of my own mother wanting to get rid of me. All of it poured over me, harsh and sudden, and it left me breathless.

But in the middle of that breakdown, something shifted. I realized that I wanted something new.

Not because I look down on women who chose the same work I once did—I don't. I know women who live that life by choice, and I respect that. But I didn't want that for me anymore. I wanted more. I wanted a future that felt like mine.

Why would I settle when I know I can still change the course of my life? Why wouldn't I try?

I don't want to look back one day and regret not trying harder—regret not fighting for the version of myself I could've become. Maybe if I changed, people would stop mocking me. Maybe I'd finally believe that I could be someone worth looking up to. Maybe I'd start believing in myself.

And then... I thought of Cyrus.

A man like him deserves someone who can stand beside him. Someone who knows who she is. And right now, I don't think I'm that person. Not yet.

It's not just because of my past work, it's the fact that I haven't even begun to chase what I truly want for myself. I don't know who I am beyond surviving.

I only finished grade eight, while Cyrus is a Captain in the military, part of Military Intelligence. He walks with purpose, while I'm still trying to find my footing.

My past is bitter, and there are memories I still can't let go of. I don't want those ghosts to become his burden. I don't want to be a weight he has to carry.

So now, I'm trying to work on myself. Not for Cyrus. But for me.

Because I want to move forward. Because I want to breathe differently. Because I know, deep in my gut... I can do better than this.

And I will.

I stared at the huge arc in front of me. It states the school I am going to inquire about. The sides of my lips rose as the gentle breeze of the wind caressed my cheeks.

"Dito ako mag-aaral," bulong ko sa sarili ko. Ngumiti ako ulit dahil hindi ko mapigilan.

Mag-aaral ako ulit! Sobrang saya ko.

Akala ko hindi ko na 'to magagawa dati dahil kahit nagkapera naman ako ay nawalan na ako ng pakialam. Naging kuntento na ako sa buhay ko noon kaya hindi ko na inalintala pang mag-aral ulit.

Isa ito sa tinanong ko sa landlady noong lumipat ako sa apartment. Sampung minuto ang byahe mula sa apartment ko papunta sa public high school na nasa harap ko.

Mabuti na lang at abot pa ako sa school year na ito, dahil kakasimula lang din ng school year noong isang buwan. Hindi pa masyadong huli kung mag aaral nga ako.

"24 years old ka na, ineng?" ani Principal.

Tumango ako at medyo nahiya. Napagtanto na masyado na ngang matanda kung magsisimula ako ulit sa grade eight dahil hindi ko naman natapos iyon noon.

Kumunot ang noo ng principal at bahagyang nag isip.

"Pwede ka naman kumuha ng special program na inooffer ng DepEd. Para iyon sa mga may kaso na katulad ng sa'yo, na hindi na angkop ang edad sa baitang na gustong tahakin."

"Talaga po?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at bahagyang natuwa sa narinig.

May pag asa pa ako!

Tumango ang principal sa akin. "Oo, Pwede kang mag Alternative Learning System, yung Accreditation and Equivalency Program. Anim na buwan hanggang isang taon lang ang iguguhol mo rito para makakuha ka ng certificate."

My smile grew wider. In six months to a year, I would be a step closer to my dreams!

I want to finish what I didn't get to do all those years ago. I want it not for anyone else, but for me. For the girl I left behind when life forced me to grow up too fast.

There was a time I believed I'd already missed my chance. That some dreams weren't meant for people like me... people who've been broken, used, or left behind. I told myself I was okay with it. That surviving was enough. That moving forward without looking back was the only way to live.

But it wasn't.

The truth is, I had robbed myself of this, and this chance to start again. Out of fear. Out of shame. Out of thinking I didn't deserve more. I kept pushing my dreams aside, hiding behind excuses and pain, telling myself I was fine without them.

But I wasn't fine. I was just numb.

Now, I want to try. I want to dream again. And I'm done apologizing for it.

This time, I'm making a promise to myself. To the Rhian I am now. The Rhian who has bigger dreams and clearer eyes. The one who no longer wants to disappear. The one who wants more than survival.

Because I know I can be more than what I was. And I finally believe that I deserve the chance to become her.