Kissing the Agony (Agony Series #1)

Chapter 32: Emotional Ruin

Alam ko naman na mahirap talagang tanggapin ang kung ano man ang nakaraan ko. Hindi lahat ay maiintindihan, o gugustuhing intindihin, ang mga dahilan ko kung bakit ko nagawa ang mga bagay na 'yon dati. Sa totoo lang, kahit ako, hindi makapaniwala na kaya akong tanggapin ni Cyrus kahit alam niya kung ano ako noon.

Ni minsan, hindi niya pinaramdam sa akin na marumi ako, o na dapat akong maliitin dahil sa trabahong pinasok ko. From what I recall, he was only concerned if I consented or not to those past experiences. Iyon lang ang inalam niya at wala nang iba. Na para bang wala na siyang pakialam kung ilan o sino-sino ba ang mga naging kliyente ko. Basta alam niyang pumayag ako, ayos na sa kanya 'yon.

I left Cyrus before because I was so insecure. It took me a while to admit to myself that I got insecure, and that I wasn't good enough for him.

Nag-trigger lang din talaga si Gaspar, dahil naalala ko ang ginawa niya sa akin noon. Pero pagkatapos no'n, pinili ko naman maging sex worker mag-isa. Ako ang nagdesisyon no'n para sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko ikinakahiya ang naging trabaho ko. Doon ako nabuhay, doon ako nakabili ng mga gusto ko, doon ako nakahanap ng maayos na tirahan, at may sasakyan pa. Ang mga kasamahan ko noon, gaya ko rin, na walang choice. Tinanggap na lang din nila sa sarili nila na trabaho lang naman 'yon.

As for me, it was a tough decision to walk on a different path. It took me long enough that I had to encounter the man who assaulted me, just for me to realize that I can do better. That I want a different life and career for myself.

Hindi ko ikinakahiya maging sex worker, pero wala rin namang masama kung susubok ako ng ibang trabaho, 'di ba? Wala namang masama kung gugustuhin kong mas may marating gamit ang ibang kakayahan ko, at hindi puro katawan ko lang.

I was able to be equipped with teaching and modeling. I became a Licensed Professional Teacher and one of the top models in the Philippines.

I worked hard for everything I achieved. And before, a part of me actually dreamed of all of this because I was insecure about Cyrus. That he needs to be with someone as respectable as him. Kahit pa noong umalis ako, hindi naman ako sigurado kung magkikita pa ba kami ulit o hindi na. But way back when I was a kid, I saw myself as a teacher once I grew up. The reason why I pursued Education.

So then I realized, all I have been doing... was really for myself.

Mabuti na lang at paglabas ko sa kanilang bahay ay may dumaan na taxi, mabilis kong pinara 'yon nang makasakay na ako at makauwi na.

Tsaka lang tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luha ko noong nakasakay na ako sa loob. I wasn't crying because I pity myself, no. I was crying because I was frustrated.

Ano bang kailangan ko pang gawin para mapatunayan ko ang sarili ko sa ibang tao? I wasn't the same woman I was five years ago. I have grown, and clearly, I have changed.

Nang makarating ako sa condo ay sumalampak agad ako sa kama at doon ipinagpatuloy ang pag-iyak. Matapos ang halos dalawang oras ng pag iyak at pagiging tulala, tsaka lang ako nagpasyang maligo na para makapagpahinga na.

It was almost 11 in the evening when I got out of the shower. I took my time showering and doing my skin care because I want to cloud my mind with other thoughts. I want to remain preoccupied. I don't want to think about other people, even Cyrus.

Pero magkalabas ko sa CR ay nakita ko ang cellphone ko sa kama ko, umiilaw, dahil may tumatawag. Cyrus' name flashed on the screen and it made me breathe harshly. Natapos na lang ang tawag at hindi ko na sinagot 'yon. Naka pitong tawag ata siya bago tuluyang sumuko. Hindi ko kailanman sinagot ang tawag niya.

I should have slept immediately after that but I was awake until three in the morning. My mind was busy with thoughts that are not good for my mental health.