FALLING OUT OF LOVE

Living In The Moment

ELLIOT P.O.V

I turn having trouble sleeping. It's been weeks I can't sleep. Every single time I try, all I can see is her, lying in a pool of blood. She keeps trying to reach out to me but it feels like the more she tries, it holds her. I just want to wrap my hands around her, wipe all her tears. I keep hearing this familiar laughter, it wants me back but I can't go back after all those times of pain and abuse. I was just four, how will they do that to me. I want to help her, but I'm afraid, I can't go back. I see him, his tormenting her, just like how he used to me. His laughing as I watch every blade go into her skin.
I wake up, feeling the urge to scream, I'm so scared he might come back for me, after all this year's. His going to come back. I can't sleep anymore, I can't take the torment. I hear the voices in my head they sing only one song:
Take the blade and slowly dip
The object is of hands reach.

It keeps tormenting me, I scream. I want to get out of here, someone help me.
All those times I had it, I'm done.
I get a knife as my hands shake. I weep silently praying for God to stop me. The pain in my chest just wants to come out.

The door opened gently and I see her beautiful face. She sees me with the blade. She doesn't scream at me, she gently runs to me. Takes the blade out of my hand as I can see tears roll down my eyes. I didn't want her to see me like this. What will she think of me.  She hugs me warmly. I can hear whispers of prayers. She strokes my cheeks gently. Her smell is so wonderful.
She looks at me like she's trying to find something in my face. She gives me a warm smile, a smile I embrace and return.
"Is not your fault, we can go through this together, I'll never leave you".
She gently pulls me up the blanket as she lies beside me. I feel so safe with her, more than anyone in my life. Not as safe with my brother, or my girlfriend, not even with mum.
"Could you read me a story from the Bible El?". I must have sounded like a child but I didn't mind, I just want her to do it.
"Sure thing El". She sirs up as I lie gently in her laps, gently stoking my ear. She puts on the lamp and brings her Bible, she looks at me and I give her a smile.

She keeps reading slowly, keep emphasizing on every strong word. She read many parables and explained everyone of them. She smiled when she reached to the meaning of the parable.
"what do you want to be when you grow up, Lee?"
"I wanted to be a singer, but when I met Chase, I chose to write poems about God's Love, change people life. Make the broken feel loved, homeless, stops wars, stop racism with my poems. I want to show how one word can make a difference... " she spoke so passionately, giving a warm smile as she spoke, her eyes was full of so much passion as she spoke. It was like she was so sure she could do it.
She looked at me as she suddenly blushed." Sorry, I must have been lost and been blabbing, I didn't realize you just wanted to... " she was feeling do embarrassed, and her smiled at her more. She was so pretty, I wonder her such a girl will have so much scars in and out.
..." What do you want to be? ".
" I want to be an artist, I love painting nature. I love making them come to life in a way. Every bit of sound I just want to draw them on my pad".  I subconsciously looked at my ceiling. They were stars that I drew on the ceiling and painted. It was when I started having the nightmares, I did it every night, letting the stars sparkle, like it was my own special world, I got lost in the. In a way I felt that it was not going to be just me lost in them, I won't be the only one lost in them, as I gazed at her, they were sparkles of amazement. Her lips were curled into a warm smile.
"Can I read one of your poems or can you write me one?". I must have caught her off guard cause she froze, making her hand shake on my ear.
"Oh yeah, my dad destroyed the book cause he was mad at me that I refused to do the business". I could see the sudden sadness in her eyes.
"What business?".  I said feeling the anger coming in but I controlled it, hoping she didn't hear it in my voice.
"My Mum and Dad, after Amber's death, would make their friends abuse me for money. Chase knew about it, I begged him not to tell anyone, one night I was in my bedroom, I had ran for my parents, cause that day Chase told his mum, I was afraid to go home cause I thought she was going to call my Dad or the child protection service, when I came home, my Dad told me I should lie down for his friends to rape me, if I ever refuse they would tie me up and cut me. This time Chase told me when I go home I should lock myself in the room, I ran upstairs and locked my room. I began to write a poem about how lives struggle and how Jesus will help you.  He kept banging and threatening me, I begged trying to call Chase. My dad broke my door, he pulled me by my hair and threw me down. He took the book from my table, I tried to control the tears cause he warned he never wanted to see any of his child cry, he looked at me as he saw the tears streaming down. He didn't have pity and he took the scissors, cutting every page of my book. I wanted that book to go through my child with Chase. I thought he was going to leave, but no he didn't he used the scissors to cut my skin bringing a knife from his bucket as he cut me, he forced me to drink my blood. I screamed, my mum walked in, laughing at me".
I was surprised she didn't cry, but she gave me a smile. How will a father do something so heartless to his blood. I forced myself to sit up.
"When he was done, I saw Chase coming in, I ran to him, I was crying so badly, I didn't understand what I ever did to him. I tried my best, for him to just love me, but I was wrong I was the arms of only the person in the world that will only love me. Chase stayed with me all week, I refused to go to school if not all they'll do is call me names. Chase didn't leave me I cried every night when Chase will wipe the blood that came out. Chase mum told me to move in, she wanted to call the police, but I refused I didn't want my Dad to be in jail. Chase helped me to write the poems back together, he was artist like you. We made another poem book for me, he drew in every poem I wrote, making it much better than my old one". Her eyes shinned with so much love as she brought out a book from her bag.  She opened it as she leaned on shoulder as I put my hands around her.
"I carry it everywhere I go, to know that no matter where I go, Chase is still with me".
"Can you read it for me, if you like too, please". I wanted to hear her beautiful voice read every line for me.

She kept reading every line, it was up to 108 poems in her book with so much beautiful drawings. When we reached to the last page. Their was a beautiful drawing of Emily, holding a baby, with a boy who I assumed it was Chase. It was just beautiful. It was like a happy family he had, the smile on the drawing was so beautiful. I traced  my hands on the drawing. It was so beautiful, I looked at her as she was also looking at me with so much live in her eyes. She smiled at me warmly. I couldn't believe it was so much pain for her while growing up.
She lac3d our hands together. We sat in silent, enjoying the moment. I will do anything for her, too make her stay with me. I need her every moment to just look at me this way.
My other my hand continue to run on the drawing, I felt something at the edge of the book, like she saw it she brought out a scissors. I couldn't help the horrible image of how her dad cut her with the scissors that kept playing in the mind. The page that was covered was finally shown.

To my baby girl., Lee, I made this page, for you and the special person you are going to spend the rest of the years with. I have been having dreams of Mr dying and I see you in the future so beautiful. I'm sorry you are reading. To that special person, he will love you every step of the way, I hope you may learn to love him too. The picture at the end of the book is your husband which I saw in the dream, and drew for you. I love your smile everything about you. I'm sorry I would leave, but just know that God has every reason to separate you and I, it's for the best. I want you to live in the moment everyday, want you to know that you'll always be a good girl as long as you do what is right. In every fear and pain, he'll be their, in every worries he'll hold you. Please when is time for me to leave do not cry to ruin that beautiful face made of the purest sand. Lee, I want you to have our child with this man, to know he'll never leave you. Be strong for Mum, take care of her, for she would also need someone. I will miss you as I go. Believe me if I had the chance, I'll stop time, so it will just be you and I forever in our universe alone. Pleas be happy with me. I will never hate you and I know you want to spend every waking moment in my arms, but I want you to have every waking moment in his arms. Look at the drawing, you'll realize the one is right next to you. I want you to know that I'm very sorry, I thought I would tell you now since I know you'll eventually want answers for my death. I want you to be a good girl so we cold leave together in heaven. I will have a portrait of you, when you come. Never forget their a great light in you, a great gift in you.
I loved you, I'm loving you and I'll always love you. Tell Aiden about me, tell him about our experience. Tell Him about me also, your husband. I want you to know that I love you and want you to move on. I never meant to hurt you, if your reading this now, I don't want those beautiful face to be wet, I never want you to cry.
Believe me I'm waiting for you. I love you, I'll never hurt you. This isn't goodbye forever, but just making you stronger, cause that's what I always wanted for you, to be stronger.
We both read it silently, she flipped the page to the drawing. I looked at the drawing as she looked at me, we both stared at each other. The drawing was of me, the dark blue eyes and the hair. It was of me, I couldn't
believe me.
I left out a sigh still looking at her. I didn't know what to do, I held her waist in a hug as her face was sad. I couldn't understand what just happened, how did he know me?, how could he draw me?, I was so confused. I was so scared, I swore I won't let a girl close to me again, but this doesn't make sense. I had to strong for her. I slid down, she was still in my arms, I held her so tight. She laid on my chest. What if his right, all I'll do its hurt her.
"I love you, you know that right?". I told her stroking her hair. Who I'm I kidding I loved her ever since. A smile played on my lips as I thought of her carrying my child.
I saw her smiling too, thinking of what I just said.
I was deep in thoughts, but I could still hear her heartbeat so calm.
I'm just scared, what if I can't love her or never make her...
"I love you too, Elliot". She said in a whisper. I could see her smile, she kissed me on my cheeks.
I would do anything tho have her in my arms. To make her smile every day. Anything.